An Elephant From The Ashes Of The Phoenix

“Where are our skis? Oh no! Did we leave them there?” I asked, staring at him with wide eyes and an open mouth. He looks at me from the corner of his eye and laughs with disbelief.

We left our skis and poles sticking out of the snow around the corner from a ski lift, and realized it when we were only minutes from home.

Neither of us knew how to ski when we met, and we wanted to learn. We liked it so much we began planning an annual ski trip, and it has resulted in many unforgettable memories. The highlight of this trip was learning how unpleasant skiing in the rain is.

It was odd to see such a limited crowd on the trails, even during a weekend at the height of the season. It only takes a few descents to discover what rain does to the snow and gear. As we contemplated our next move, hoping to wait out the rain within the remaining time on the tickets, we took our skis off and jammed them in the snow upright. We headed to the parking lot in our ski boots and took cover in a gazebo. As the banter wore off, the rain intensified, and the temperature dropped, we gave up waiting and headed home.

We were a mere two miles from home when I remembered we had jammed our skis and poles upright in the snow. I blurted out my realization in the car. We called the staff at the ski resort, but they had trouble finding our gear, and we knew we would have to return tomorrow. Luckily, we found them right where we left them.

Years later, as our love continued to grow, we decided to collaborate on a tattoo design. We love this story so much that it has become a well-worn inside joke; therefore, we designed the tattoo to celebrate this memory and the joy we have while skiing together. Along with a variety of other unique symbols, it features four skis and four poles protruding from the snow, with the phrase "Based on a true story" included under it. Skiing has become such a big part of our relationship, and when we finalized the design, we decided it was time.

We visit a local shop to make an appointment, and we browse through portfolios as the needle buzzing continues in all five stations. We agree almost instantly on our favorite artist, and his next available appointment happens to also be our anniversary, so we book it.

As the years pass, our relationship changes. Although our physical connection has never been that passionate, the sex life we have is dwindling. The sweet and sexy moments in our marriage have faded away, and we've been on a bit of a roller coaster.

All relationships change, I know, but it seems to be going in the wrong direction. I thought your love was supposed to grow stronger as a marriage continues. Why do I feel so lonely all the time, then? Why do I feel so confused about my life? I have a fantastic son and a loving husband. What is my problem?

He became increasingly sexually closed off, and we could never have an honest conversation about sex without him blushing and getting angry at me. It didn't feel like he even liked looking at me anymore. He flirts with women right before me, and he isn’t home much, often claiming to work late and going in on weekends to finish up his hefty workload. We've never had a conversation about our relationship, our expectations, our needs, or our goals. I know children change relationships, but I feel like I'm raising our son alone. He was up most nights until early in the morning, like 2 a.m.

I opened the laptop one day, and there was a porn site open. I am hurt and understand why our sex life is practically dead, and that he doesn't find me attractive. It's me he doesn't want to have sex with. I share my discovery and ask him about it, and he tells me about some of what he has been up to. He tells me he is watching several hours of porn daily, and he hides it so well I have no idea he is doing it. After learning of his digital adventures, I understand my suspicions of infidelity are on point.

He has a sex addiction, which created an enormous dry spell in our marriage, leaving me wondering why I'm not good enough. I want to know what I can do to regain his attention. Perhaps I should consider changing my hair or start wearing different clothes. He often tells me the things he doesn't like about me and suggests changes for improvement. Perhaps I should check in with him more often to make sure I'm doing everything correctly. I hope I'm not the reason he has a sex addiction.

We both agree that therapy is the next logical step and almost immediately creates a dramatic shift in our relationship. After only a month of consulting with therapists and working tirelessly on our relationship, we both want a fresh start and are making tremendous progress. He is putting effort into it, and it just feels different. I'm seeing changes in him that I never expected. He is doing chores around the house and complimenting me. He is spending a lot of time with us, and we are having honest discussions. This must mean it will go back to how it was when we first met and fell in love.

Now that we are finally heading in the right direction, I go into high gear. I do research, attend support groups, I'm always on standby to talk about the addiction and make sure he has adequate alone time and mental energy for his healing. This will allow me to offer him additional support, and it seems to be working. I make sure he understands how solid we are as a team and that nothing will get in the middle if we don't let it.

We are talking about his sex addiction late one night, looking for a way to move on from the pain of the betrayal his sex addiction caused me. I began to wonder why he didn't tell me of his addiction sooner, consisting of chronic masturbation and infidelity. I ask him, "Why now? After all these years of hiding it and bottling it up, why did you decide to tell me now?"

“Because I knew you were desperate,” he smirked.

I fell to my knees, hung my head, and started sobbing uncontrollably. This is the moment my world comes crashing down. I finally understand the true horror behind what is happening in my marriage, facilitated by the person who claims to love me. I cry so hard I find myself in a heap on the kitchen floor. “You hurt me so much!” I yell.

I am in so much pain that I am numb. I honestly do not know how much pain I am carrying, but he knows. His plan was working, piece by piece, little by little. I am emotionally burning alive and am so desperate to be reborn.

He likes that I'm in pain, and it makes him feel strong, powerful, and happy. He finally receives the confirmation he is seeking. I see just a touch of a misogynistic smirk on his lips as he mutters an empathetic whisper, “I know. I know.” Not I'm sorry, I know. I do not understand what is happening, but he knows I am close to figuring it out.

When he called me out as being desperate, something clicked inside, and I felt different. Between long sessions of crying, I tried to figure out what I needed to do and where to go from here. I know I am in an unhealthy amount of mental and emotional pain, and there is a chance my life might depend on getting out of this marriage.

“Through all this, you have shown so much strength, like a phoenix. You know what those are, right? We can still turn this around.”

My crying had temporarily ceased as he backpedaled, trying to convince me he loved me and everything was going to be ok with his addiction because he was dedicated to recovering.

We are brainstorming tattoo ideas to represent my horrific journey from tragedy to recovery. I am so lost in the fog, a phoenix sounds like a great idea. I love birds and fire, and yes, it seemed representative of the situation. He was owning his abusive behavior, and while proudly flaunting the strength of it, as he watched me burn alive emotionally. He is distracting me with the idea of a miracle rebirth while reminding me that even though I am reborn, he can still get me to burn again if he chooses to.

I even let him draw a few tattoo prototypes on my back.

My birthday was approaching, and he had a track record of discarding it or being invited to a guys' night out. After repeated years of this happening, I got used to crying myself to sleep. I was surprised when, at the last minute, he took our son out to buy a gift on the day before. This is unusual for him, and I am hopeful I won't wind up crying myself to sleep this year, too.

“Mommy, open your gift!” My son came running into the room from upstairs after wrapping the tiny package with my husband's assistance.

My son picked out a necklace for my 42nd birthday. I love necklaces, and it's beautiful and perfect. My amazing son gives me the thing that inspires me to change our lives for the better, forever going forward.

“Mommy, do you like it? It’s an elephant. Put it on!” I didn’t take that necklace off for more than two years.

I was wearing it a few days later when I called 911 to report my husband for threatening to pull a gun out of the cabinet. I was wearing it when he told me he is a child pornography addict. I was wearing it as I'm granted an order of protection in the domestic violence court. I was wearing it during multiple court visits, fighting for our safety from his threats. I was wearing it when my son told me his paternal grandmother was sexually abusing him. I was wearing it at the child advocacy center when I took my son to report his grandmother as a pedophile to authorities. I was wearing it when the investigator told me about my ex-husband's final conviction and that he is going to be on probation for a while. It ultimately gives me the motivation to get out of my terrible marriage and teaches me I am stronger than I ever knew.

Strength comes from places that seemingly don’t even exist in our lives. I have already exhausted myself by being in an abusive marriage, thinking I could fix everything: him, our relationship, his betrayal, our lives. Little did I know the journey had only just begun.

Just days after my birthday, some of the secrets start revealing themselves, resulting in two arrests in 96 hours. His criminal activity was catching up with him. After finding out he is a child pornography addict, I understood the person I fell in love with is an illusion, a made-up person orchestrated by one of the most abusive people I know. Every day is a struggle to get out of bed, give my son the intense support he needs with his sexual trauma, and continue on my healing journey while living my life acting as if everything is fine.

When I look back and see the symbolism of the necklace, I am filled with gratitude and awe for my son’s strength and character. My journey presented me with so many challenges that I needed the power of ten elephants. He allows me to see that I already have the strength of ten elephants just by giving me one. The necklace is the most validating confirmation, as if he said, "Don't worry, Mom, we got this!"

I’m no Phoenix. I may have burned, but an elephant emerged from the ashes, not the phoenix everyone expected.

Breaking a generational cycle of trauma requires a level of commitment and strength that even the cycle breakers aren’t aware of, and we constantly doubt our abilities. The elephant was so small, just a newborn, and it has grown big enough to conquer just about anything.

A tattoo cover-up landed on my to-do list when I served him with the evacuation order. There is only one thing I can think of using for the cover-up. I took the necklace to the shop, and he gave me a beautiful, strong elephant.

There are only a few small spots where you can see the other tattoo showing through, and you only know where to look if you know it's there. And just as it says: Based on a true story. My true story.