Alone

Yes it’s me again, laying in bed, prisoner in my own mind. I never knew how real depression and anxiety are. I thought it would never hit me. Oh it did! I am in a spiral of the same thoughts, screaming silently. I am in a house full of people but alone in my mind. No one understands, no one reaches out abs no one catches me when I fall!

I shot for the sky but never left the ground! Everything is falling apart and I can’t fix it. I try every day to smile and make everyone around me feel ok and happy. I lost myself!

Who am I? Do you know? Do you know I hurt and break too? Who am I? Do I know myself? I know I am here and I want to be heard and cared for too!

I will not let go even though I sometimes walk close to the edge! I am stronger that that! I won’t fall and I will will find myself, my smile, my dreams and my me!

I have one life to live, one love to love and I will never give up! My day will come!

I will find my passion again, my dreams are what keeps me going!

Again I am alone, yes everyone is here but they are doing their thing and I am here alone! I am silent! I have nothing to say, nothing at all. Sometimes it scares me to know how close I walk on the edge and no one seems to understand! I want to scream, scream so loud that they here me! Hear how I am hurting! But I stay silent!

One day, one day it will be my day where I walk barefoot through the warm beach sand and feel the salty air on my skin. Pain not g my life with colours and my thoughts on my canvas! A new canvas called life!

Full of colour, sweet smiles of hope, gentle kisses of love and soft touches of me. Me and me alone! Maybe someone will recognize me! The old me! The one that laughed, created and loved life! I want her back!

Today I cried, I begged for someone to tell me why things happen, why it happens to my family and most of all me?

I looked into my sons eyes and all I could see was love, hope, happiness and dreams! When he put his arms around my neck and kissed my cheek all my worries and pain went away! His unconditional love and his ever caring heart made me melt and keeps me going! Every day he makes me push out if the depression and into pushing harder to be me and the best me and mom one can be!

I look at my daughters, such strong young women that push through heartbreak and work so hard to find themselves and figure out who they will be. Loving, full of hope and full of eagerness. I was once like them, I will push to be like that again.

I look at my husband, my soulmate and the strongest man ever. Always worked so hard and all with a smile until cancer took that from him. With his cancer my depression started. It is the hardest to watch him suffer but now to lose everything that we worked for so hard.

I am pushing, holding on and will not give up. I am wife, mom, friend... and myself I will find once the time is right!

Whoever is reading this: you are not alone! Many of us struggle but we are strong and we can do it! Stay positive and don’t give up!