Addicted Mom

I am a mother to 5 year old boy, he is the greatest thing in the world. But I am also an addict, I’ve been an addict since well before he was born. I love him dearly but love doesn’t conquer addiction. I wish he was all I needed to stop. I’ve been a great mother most of the time and sometimes not such a great one. There have been times addiction has gotten the best of me and my mother in law was the one that helped me with my son, so my son didn’t have to seen me like that. I am greatful for the support I have around me, but I didn’t always have that support. Before I had that support I was a mess ! I would go back and forth from being clean to not being clean and back to clean again, all the while I had my son. Trying to put him and his needs first some days I could barely get out of bed from being sick, but I still got up and did the things I needed to do. The worst part was me using around him when he was a baby to a toddler. I always did what I had to make sure he had everything he needed and made sure he was taken care of. Even though I did make sure he was taken care of and had everything I still felt like a horrible mom because I couldn’t give up the drugs and even more horrible because I couldn’t give them up for him! No one understands that no matter how much you love someone especially your children, the drugs always have a tighter grip on you.

Now to today he’s 5 and in school and I still struggle. My mother in law has been a god send. She has helped by taking over when I couldn’t. When the drugs had beaten me once again and I worse than I had ever been. And all the love in the world couldn’t make me stop. I recently got clean again, but I still struggle with wanting to go back to using, but I get up every morning and get ready for school on the days he actually goes into the school and the other days I get up and help him get ready for his zoom classes and help him with his work each day. I wish he was all I needed to get and stay clean, his love is so pure I couldn’t ask for a better son. I want more than ever to do whatever he needs and to be able to continue being there for him and being his mother. I hope one day I won’t struggle so hard to stay clean.

Thanks for reading.