A Letter to the People-Pleaser Personality: Why You Should Never Be Excessively Polite?

To break free from your people-pleasing personality, the first step is to stop being excessively polite.

There’s a harsh truth: in the world we live in, everyone loves polite people, but ultimately, no one truly respects them.

Why is that? Well, politeness itself isn’t the problem—it’s when it goes too far that it starts to have negative effects.

First, an overly polite person gives off a cheap vibe and comes across as low in emotional intelligence. Excessive politeness also causes others to automatically view you as a weakling or someone easy to bully. For example, constantly saying “It's all my fault” in public, speaking too respectfully, or voluntarily taking on tasks that aren't your responsibility—these behaviors subconsciously prompt others to adopt a superior attitude toward you. Psychological experiments have shown: every time you say “I'm sorry,” your aura weakens by 3%, and every time you say “Please go ahead,” you effectively cede 17% of your decision-making power.

Second, your “excessive politeness” can obscure your true capabilities. A common misconception is using politeness to replace proof of ability. For example, being too humble during an interview can obscure your professional strengths. Scientific experiments show that overly polite job seekers have a 42% lower hiring rate than those who are neither overly humble nor arrogant, as interviewers may doubt your ability to take on responsibilities.

Thirdly, each instance of excessive politeness depletes your emotional and mental energy without necessarily earning you respect. Scientific research has found that overly polite individuals are more likely to fall into a cycle where the more polite they are, the less they are valued. Excessive politeness can lead others to misinterpret your true intentions. For example, during a meal, being overly reserved, constantly declining food, and hesitating to express your needs may make others feel you are intentionally distancing yourself rather than showing respect, creating an awkward atmosphere that makes further communication difficult, as it essentially reflects a state of self-defense.

At a deeper level, excessive politeness actually contradicts the survival logic of modern social interaction. There are three reasons for this:

First, overly polite people fall into the old pattern of people-pleasing social behavior. In the past, this was a survival strategy for the weak, but modern social interactions emphasize equality. Interactions should abandon the outdated notion of “surviving through politeness” and instead adopt the new rule of interacting based on mutual value. The core of healthy social interactions is a balance of value exchange, and excessive politeness disrupts this energy balance.

Second, politeness is like pocket money in social interactions—if you give it too frequently, it loses its value. The correct approach is to demonstrate politeness based on the situation. For example, with elders, be three parts polite and seven parts sincere; with peers, be half polite and half focused on showcasing your abilities; with juniors, be two parts polite and eight parts guiding. This is because people naturally and unconsciously test the boundaries of others. For example, when riding an elevator, those who voluntarily step back are likely to be pushed to the corner.

Third, excessive politeness is detrimental to maintaining the balance of social dynamics. If you lower your stance too much, it effectively elevates the other person. In fact, the first three minutes of interaction between people determine the nature of the relationship. If you are too polite, it is like labeling yourself as “inferior to you.” The correct approach upon first meeting is to smile at the other person, pause appropriately while speaking, and use these body language cues to convey the message that “we are equals.” To master the appropriate level of politeness in social interactions, try the “moderation principle.” However, when speaking, use different levels of politeness depending on the situation. For example, if a colleague helps you, instead of saying, “Thank you so much for your trouble,” “ Instead, say, ”Thanks, I really appreciate your help.“ This avoids sounding overly deferential. When declining a request, avoid saying, ”I'm truly sorry, but I can't do that.“ Instead, say, ”I have a more urgent project on my plate right now.“ This sounds more professional! When communicating with a superior, avoid constantly saying, ”You're absolutely right, I completely agree.“ Instead, say, ”Your perspective has given me a lot of inspiration. I think we could add this and that..." ..." This is both respectful and constructive.

In action, remember the 3:1 balance rule: for every three polite responses, do one thing that demonstrates your value, such as sharing a professional idea after thanking a colleague. When refusing someone, don't just bluntly say, “No.” Instead, say, “I need to think about it and get back to you.” This preserves face while maintaining your boundaries. You must understand that politeness is a way to express respect, not a means to trade your principles for goodwill. When you feel you must be polite, ask yourself first: is this genuine respect or fear of offending others? This will eliminate most unnecessary formalities.

Additionally, we should avoid three common misconceptions.

1. Politeness does not equate to the level of one's cultivation. True cultivation is neither humble nor arrogant; it is polite yet confident. The appropriate approach is to replace “politeness + compliance” with “respect + principles.” For example, when refusing an unreasonable request, you can say, “Thank you for your trust, but this is beyond my scope of responsibility.”

2. Don't assume that excessive politeness equates to high emotional intelligence. In fact, excessive politeness is a sign of low emotional intelligence, as it fails to adapt social behavior to the specific person. High emotional intelligence involves using humor to show respect to friends and formulaic politeness to strangers. The appropriate approach is to note how different people respond to politeness, such as artists preferring sincere communication and office workers requiring formal respect.

3. More politeness does not necessarily mean closer relationships. Excessive politeness can make further communication difficult, as the other person may feel you are using politeness to distance yourself. The appropriate approach is to adopt a no-politeness principle in close relationships, such as telling your partner, “Pass me a glass of water,” rather than “Could you please pass me a glass of water?” This maintains intimacy through natural interaction.

True social wisdom lies in internalizing politeness as an instinctive expression of respect, rather than a performative skill. When you learn to communicate from an equal position, you can naturally demonstrate respect without effort, remaining humble in the presence of the powerful and humble in the presence of the weak. In this state, politeness is no longer a social constraint but a garment of character, both warm and appropriate. Ultimately, others will respect you for your value, not your politeness, as the survival rule in social settings has never been about who is more polite, but who can create value through equality.