A Gambler's Remorse

A Gamblers Remorse

“Oh my God, I can’t believe I did it again. Oh no”, Lisa thought to herself. It was at that very moment she realized she had both won and lost over twenty thousand dollars. Her heart dropped to her stomach and she instantly felt numb. The slot machines at the casino were lit brighter than New York Times Square on a Saturday night. No longer could Lisa hear the chimes, chings, rings, whistles, bells, or laughter she had enjoyed just moments ago. She was stuck in a trance until she felt a tap on her shoulder. It was Judy, the cocktail waitress. “This one is on me”, said Judy. Lisa grabbed the glass of white moscato offered to her and drank it rapidly. Immediately Lisa felt embarrassed because she knew Judy was all too familiar with the face of defeat.

Lisa gathered her belongings, grabbed her jacket from the back of the chair she had occupied and placed the strap of her purse on her shoulder. She reached in her purse to grab her car keys. As she headed towards her car she felt a strong cold breeze hit her face. She didn’t realize she had been in the casino so long. She unlocked the door and started the car. Lisa drove for minutes in complete silence.

Lisa’s thoughts started to overwhelm her. Suddenly she could mentally hear her husbands’ voice. He’d just spoken so highly of her to their friends. He had told their friends Stacy, Bob, Tina, and Frank that Lisa had gotten over her addiction. He told them she would never jeopardize their livelihood that he trusted her with everything. Lisa’s body temperature increased as she pulled into her parking space at her apartment building. Lisa looked up to the second floor window. She noticed the bedroom light was on. Lisa instantly started to shake as nervousness overtook her. She turned the ignition off and grabbed her handbag and proceeded to walk up the stairs. The cool breeze was colder than what Lisa had felt not long ago. As she put the key in the lock the door was pulled open.

It was Brian, he pulled Lisa to him with a look of terror in his eyes. It was as if he were on the verge of crying. Brian grabbed Lisa and said “Where have you been?” He stepped back from her to try to read her facial expression. Brian had never thought of Lisa as a cheater. Different relatives and friends always said Lisa would be his downfall. Brian went with his heart and chose her. Brian took Lisa’s hand and walked her towards the living room. He motioned for her to sit with him and finally he spoke. “Now Lisa, I’ve called you at least twenty times tonight.” Lisa reached in her purse and noticed her phone was completely dead. “My phone’s dead bae, I’m sorry”. Lisa said. “That’s not good enough”, Brian stood up and started to pace the floor. “I mean I’m confused when did we start not communicating? Anything could've happened to you. I’m not angry, I just need to know where you have been all this time?” Brian asked firmly.

Lisa reached down to take her shoes off, she took her jacket off, and decided to get comfortable on the couch. She knew it was best to tell the truth than to try to make up lies. This definitely wasn’t her first rodeo with this casino addiction, so she figured Brian would be the same as usual. Brian looked at her and asked again, “Lisa where were you?” Lisa took a deep breath and said “ I was at the casino”. Brian’s facial expression let Lisa know things definitely weren’t going to be the same. Brian sat down and with aggression in his tone said “I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU, I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU WOULD GO BACK TO THAT PLACE. YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT TOOK US TO GET BACK ON OUR FEET AFTER THE LAST TIME YOU DID THIS.” Tears started to flow down his eyes. Lisa started to cry because she knew this was nothing like any conversation they had, had before. Lisa had only seen Brian cry one time within their six year relationship. Brian took it really hard when his stepmother died. He sobbed so hard he had to be escorted from the funeral. Gracie, Brian’s stepmom took care of him after his mother was killed by a drunk driver and his dad was murdered while working as a loan agent for a finance company. Brian’s mom was killed on a Wednesday and his dad was killed that Thursday. Gracie raised Brian as her own. She was the closest person to him with both of his parents deceased. Out of all his family and friends Gracie was the only one fond of Lisa. In reality that was the only persons’ opinion that he cared about. He and Lisa were married the day after Gracie met her.

Lisa walked over to Brian put her arm on his shoulder and said, “I’m so sorry”. Brian pulled himself from under her and with tear filled eyes asked “How much did you lose?” Lisa was shocked she sat there with the sad reality hitting her right in the face. She had lost. She thought to herself I won, but without a doubt I lost and I lost big time. Reality started to hit Lisa hard. She began to think of how long it had taken she and Brian to get out of debt from her last casino fiasco. She and Brian had one hundred ninety thousand dollars of debt that took them six years to get out of. She suddenly started to remember the sacrifices he had made for her. Their social life ceased to exist, they no longer indulged in weekend dinners with friends. They both had gotten really good at couponing, Brian would have the coupon pouch loaded and in chronological order before they made it to the stores. Hell, a good day for them was being able to eat burgers with all the fixings;fries, or some good tacos with nachos and extra queso dip. Lisa felt faint as she realized the endangerment she caused for their household. Lisa’s head began to spin. Her palms were sweaty, she felt faint, and everything went black.

When Lisa regained consciousness she was in the emergency room with IV’s in her arm and a heart monitor attached to her. Brian jumped out of his chair when he noticed Lisa blinking her eyes. “Oh my God baby you’re okay” “What happened?” Lisa responded. “You fell out”, Brian said. Before Brian could get another word out the doctor came into the room. “Hello everyone!!” Dr. Patel spoke as he entered the room. “You gave us a scare, all of your test results came back fine, it looks like you may be a bit stressed and might need a little rest. Consume more fruit and veggies and you should be good in no time. I am going to give you an excuse from work for a couple of days, just rest up. My nurse will be in shortly with your discharge documents. Do you all have any questions?” Dr. Patel asked Brian and Lisa. Brian expressed his gratitude as he shook the doctors’ hand before he left the room.

Lisa woke up the next morning to the smell of bacon. Brian thought he would start the morning on a good note.” I’ve prepared a fruit parfait cup, bacon, scrambled eggs and bagels”, Brian said as he proceeded to serve breakfast in bed. Lisa lit up because she loved breakfast and she couldn’t wait to eat her bagels. Brian knew he’d have to be less aggressive than he was last night, not wanting Lisa to faint on him again. “So baby you know love you and I want what's best for the both of us, just tell me how much monetary damage you did?” Brian was nervous but he had to know what their lives would be like. He thought to himself she wouldn’t hurt us like she did before. “The good news is I won twenty thousand dollars, the bad news is I lost sixty thousand”, Lisa said. Brian dropped the glass of orange juice he had been holding in his hand. He told Lisa that he was going to Harlems’ house and that’s where he would be until he figured out what he needed to do next. Harlem is Gracies’ only biological child, she and Brian felt the exact same pain when they found out her mom was dead. Brian knocked on Harlem’s door. “Hey big bro”, Harlem exclaimed, happy to see Brian. “What are you doing here?” Harlem asked. “Well Lisa messed up again at the casino”. “Oh no”, Harlem said. “Yepp and she lost sixty grand this time.” Brian tried to be strong, but he knew he would never be able to have anything as long as Lisa was in his life. He wanted a home not an apartment, he had to sell his 1970 Porsche to help the last time she lost at the casino. He realized he would never be able to live, retire, die or be debt free with her addiction. He told Harlem “this is the final straw, I’m done. This marriage is over, she can have nothing, but I work too hard not to have anything to show for it, I’m done.” Harlem knew by the tone of Brian’s voice he was serious.

Brian was gone five days, so Lisa decided to go visit Harlem. She knocked on the door, and Harlem welcomed her with open arms. Harlem hugged Lisa really tight and told her to come in. "You want something to drink?" Harlem asked Lisa with the refrigerator door open. "Yes, I'd love something to drink, Thanks Harlem". Harlem brought Gracie's favorite wine glasses to the table and poured two glasses of moscato.

Harlem sat with Lisa. "Look Brian told me what happened and he is over all of this mess, you have to get help Lisa. Brian wants a life, he wants something to show for all his hard work. You gotta do better girl." Harlem cut the small talk because Lisa's gambling caused Gracie pain before she passed. Although Gracie never said it, she always acted as if she fully understood Lisa. “Where is Brian?” Lisa asked. He actually moved back to NewYork, he’s determined to do something different, and he left these papers for you”. Lisa’s face reddened as she read the divorce papers, she couldn’t believe she had lost it all. “You hadn’t visited me but mom left you this little black book, said Harlem. I peeked in it and I believe you will find it very useful now”. Lisa’s face was full of tears because she couldn’t believe Gracie left her anything. Lisa made it home and sat in disbelief. She couldn’t believe she had single handedly ruined her life, her home was ruined, her savings were gone, her husband was gone, and to make matters work human resources had called and let her know that she was terminated from her job. “God I know I don’t talk to you much please forgive me for I am human. I did everything I wanted to do and now I’m here with my results. Please just help me through it and I promise not to gamble ever again in life. These are my honest prayers and thoughts. Send me help God please. In the name of Jesus I pray Amen,” said Lisa. She stayed on her knees and prayed for what felt like hours. Then she fell asleep. The sun came shining bright into Lisa’s room that morning. The first thing she noticed was the little black book Gracie had left for her. She sat up in her bed and decided to see what Gracie had written. She opened the book and it seemed as if God had heard Lisa’s cry.

Hi Lisa, it’s me Gracie and if you’re reading this letter that means I’m in the heavens above. It was on my heart to write this so here goes. Lisa I struggled with an addiction most of my life and it wasn’t until I let it go that I was blessed with a home,a husband, a career, and children. I was instantly blessed with everything I thought was unattainable. That urge and that instant fix I thought I had to have was gone. I never loved myself, so why would God put me in a position to harm others. I want you to take 30 days to recreate yourself, to refocus your energy and if you can do these thirty days you will be okay for the rest of your life. Do each affirmation at least an hour a day and speak these good things to yourself about yourself and over your life.

Day 1 Clear your mind and your thoughts

Focus on what you want for yourself

Day 2 Everyday is what you make it

Day 3 Your attitude determines your direction

Day 4 Dreams don’t work unless you do

Day 5 Think big! You are capable of more than you know.

Lisa read and focused on these affirmations daily. She meditated, she started to take morning jogs, she started listening to positive quotes all day long. Gracies’ notebook put Lisa on the right track and by day thirty she felt like a whole new woman. She apologized for her wrongs, she got a new job, and she was friends with Brian again. On day 30 Gracie’s words rang with encouragement.

Lisa, you made it day 30. I know the quotes and daily affirmations were hard at first, but if you are on day 30 you have officially conquered your demons. Congratulations, I know you feel as if you can accomplish anything. Lisa be wise, be kind, keep the spirit of gratitude, keep a wealthy mindset, love without limits, and take care of yourself. I love you as if you were my own. Now I want you to look at the very back of this little black book. I have a small envelope taped to it. Be great Lisa and live your best life.

Lisa looked to the back of the notebook, she opened the small envelope and there was a cashier’s check for $20,000. “Lord I don’t know why you chose to be good to me. I thank you for your child (my angel) Gracie. She managed to be good to me in both life and death. For that I am ever grateful”, Lisa prayed while bowing down on her knees. Thank you Lord was all Lisa could say.