4 Million Steps Of Transformation And Healing

I mastered the art of running away.

And while the action itself can look pretty artistic and adventurous or at times dramatic even, the end result is as far away from a piece of art as it possibly can.

Rather it's a complete mess.

Like the studio of a painter or sculptor.

There are unconventional works of art that make us question if it's even art and some might even go as far as calling it ugly, still I always found these works admirable.

But that expression never occurred to me when it came to describe the result of my art of escapism. I never found anything in it to appreciate.

My latest attempt to escape my life was 4 years ago.

I just turned 30.

The roundness of the number itself screams "run away as far as you can". Can you hear it, too?

I could hear it clearly, even through the cacophony of all the noises yelling at me inside my head: "You're a failure."

I had all my life planned out and I miserably screwed up everything. At 30 I was a university drop out, with 2 degrees I never used, a non-practicing yoga teacher, changing jobs annually, with only one romantic relationship that could be labelled as 'proper' that turned out to a nightmare including mental, emotional, financial and eventually physical abuse. And when I needed the most, all the friends around me turned their back at me.

In addition I was so broke that I had to sell my blood plasma to be able to buy food, I lived in a ramshackle apartment over a pub and went everywhere by foot because I couldn't even afford the metro ticket. I could have asked for help from my parents but I was ashamed to admit any of what was happening.

When I passed out in the supermarket while queuing because a bag of Orbit reminding me of my narcissist ex caused a panic attack, I knew something had to change. I couldn't keep it together anymore, not even on a surface level.

But the only way I knew how to change things or face adversity, challenges and obstacles was by walking away from them.

Three decades got me really good at it. I didn't know what else to do, I just felt like I had to walk.

I kept thinking of a book I read as a teenager about an ancient pilgrimage in Spain, called the Camino de Santiago - a dream I nurtured ever since but never actually thought of turning it into reality. I started ruminating about it by day and walking it in my dreams at night. It was clear, I had to go.

I started to sell my belongings, and worked overtime to save up some more cash that I spent all on a hypnotherapist and hiking gear. I resigned from my job and took the plane to Madrid with a small backpack full of hopes to walk away from my life and never return.

I didn't know what to expect but this time the uncertainty wasn't frightening. I felt a surprising sense of emotional comfort, safe in the hands of the Universe. I trusted that whatever comes my way will be the exact thing that I need. I knew nothing can be worse than what I left behind.

I wanted to be alone, in nature so I chose the way that leads through the mountains and forests in the North of Spain - El Camino del Norte. It's said to be one of the most beautiful routes, with fewer pilgrims on it but also one of the hardest walks.

Quiet suffering with a picturesque background? Sign me up!

I was that desperate. I believed I deserve to suffer and that my growth and breakthrough will come through pain.

“The Bhagavad Gita — that ancient Indian Yogic text — says that it is better to live your own destiny imperfectly than to live an imitation of somebody else’s life with perfection.”

And that's all I wanted to do - to live my own destiny imperfectly. I kept this page with me as a reminder, which I tore out from the book of Elizabeth Gilbert, from her famous memoir called Eat Pray Love. It changed my life once when it set me out on a journey of self-discovery in India before my abusive relationship got in the way to continue my quest.

But this time I took it seriously.

I religiously listened twice a day to the recording my hypnotherapist gave me, while I tried to focus on placing one foot in front of the other. I had a journal and my yoga mat with me, both stayed untouched for two months.

The first two weeks I felt frustrated by not seeing any change. The fact that I could barely spend my days in solitude made it worse, plus I was running dangerously low on money.

One sunny day two pilgrims tried hard to befriend while we crossed a smaller mountain in the shadow of the windmills. I was listening to my recording, and they just wouldn't stop talking to me, so the moment they turned their attention from me, I disappeared into the bush.

It was always my first impulse to escape from every inconvenient situation, so what else could I have done, right?

I could hear them talking for a while, they were probably waiting for me, so I descended on the rocks to find a great place to sit. I found a large stone with warm, flat surface - it was perfect to sit on. So I threw my backpack down and took my seat in lotus position, closed my eyes and turned my face towards the Sun.

I listened if the two girls were still talking, but couldn't hear them anymore. I thought I'd wait a bit more so they get more ahead of me, to avoid meeting them again, so I continued sitting there, soaking up the warm, yellow rays of the Sun through my third eye.

It was a calming and grounding experience. My shoulders dropped and my jaw that always tightens when I'm anxious loosened, too. I ended up sitting there for over an hour.

I suddenly could see myself from the outside and I realized that my Camino was like a perfect drama therapy session where the Universe planned and laid out all the metaphors of the major events of my life. As if she wanted me to play them out again, so it can gave me a new perspective to analyze and learn from my past.

I understood that I can't run away from anything because it's all within me and it's gonna follow me wherever I go - all my pain, my traumas and wounds, but also the resolutions, the answers to my questions, my healing and a brand new version of me.

I laughed out loud thinking about how I just tried to escape within my own escape. I did not want to run away anymore, on the contrary I felt a sudden urge to experience it all. I almost ran after those girls but I didn't.

I knew my new lesson was to learn to be with whatever is happening at the moment - without running away, seeking solutions or trying to fix things. And for the first time of my life I didn't feel like there was a problem with me. I wasn't a failure - I was just trying to be someone else, doing things I thought I should be doing.

So I dusted my bag off and found my way back to the trail, and kept walking. Whatever comes, comes - I can deal with it. All I need to do is to put one feet in front of the other, rest when I need it and follow my own joy in between. The rest will follow.

When things seem to fall apart, it's usually the old things crumbling that don't serve us anymore, meanwhile new things fall together from the ruins- those are the things we need, but we can only see that if we face it. Not when we turn our backs to them, while running in the other direction.

And that's what I've been doing in the past 4 years. No running away, no escaping but facing everything that is. And while back then I ran away from my life, it lead me straight back into my life.