100 Reasons Why

Sometimes the price of loving so deeply comes with the quiet wondering if I should just stop caring about other people and turn dark, the path I see so many other kind souls go down after feeling the pain of this world. So, I wanted to write a list of 100 reasons that I love exactly who I am - for the days when my heart grieves and aches as my mind explores the myriad of reasons that I should be anyone other than myself - to avoid causing myself so much pain.

1. I love that I freely give of myself. One day last year, I got a gift for someone else and told the recipient that I wanted them to do me a favor with the gift. I didn't give them the gift. It sat in my vehicle for quite some time and they asked me about it twice before I gave it to them - with an apology: I shouldn't have said that I wanted a favor. This is for you and I needed to get rid of the strings attached before giving it to you. I'm sorry.

2. I love that I am the kind of friend that I always look for in prospective friendships.

3. I love that I don't do anything halfway.

4. I love that I have a lot of grit and determination. Some may see it as a bad thing, but to those people: if you are upset with my grit and determination, what exactly are you trying to get away with that you shouldn't be doing in the first place?

5. I love that I feel so deeply and intensely.

6. I love that I am loyal and devoted.

7. I love that I am "naive" because that is what shows when I seem to give people the benefit of the doubt so naturally, that is what shows when I don't have the cynicism coming through, and that is the word so many have used to describe my sweet innocent nature - despite everything that I have been through.

8. I love that I am also able to stand firm in my values and fight for what I believe is right - even against my own self.

9. I love that I can make decisions based on facts and logic while realizing that emotions, while they have their place in the decision making process, are often ever changing and not something to build major decisions on.

10. I love that I can typically discern when people don't belong in my life and that I don't typically get blindsided when other's walk out of my life.

11. I love that I have some really deep insights into things that are virtues that I value - even though sometimes I feel like I am in the wading pool with people who feel like we are talking depth, and then, when I go to the deep stuff, they feel like they are drowning!

12. I love that I am wise because I am always seeking information, experience, and welcome other viewpoints because I know that I have blind spots - for example, even though some would say that point #7 is a bad thing, I have the points 8, 9, 10, and 11 to help me stay aware of the costs of presenting naive.

13. I love that my brain can play back videos of my life. The best way I can describe it is by using a film reference: the minute shown here from Stargate SG-1 Season 2 episode 22. (https://youtu.be/UKqN9U7B0Xk?&t=118)

14. I love that my brain can see things that aren't there - it is so creative! Again shown in Stargate SG-1 Season 6 episode 13. And I love that I can tell the difference between reality and not ... and that when the line starts to blur, that I stop myself from causing danger to others. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tuMuoT4HwWg)

15. I love that I am protective and will fight against the injustices that I see (if I can).

16. I love that I am able to see things visually the way the Cassandra can do in this clip from The Librarians. (https://youtu.be/Faza4HJGO0Y?t=92)

17. I love that I am a good mom who does her best to do what is right for her children - despite any pain that it causes me.

18. I love that I am a good writer!

19. I love that I am so good at book learning!

20. I love that I forgive - even though others seem to think I haven't forgiven because I remember... even after forgiving.

21. I love that I am able to still go through life without bitterness.

22. I love that I am kind.

23. I love that I am so willing to fix myself before finding fault in others.

24. I love that I wake up each day and just try to do better than what I did yesterday.

25. I love that I can do a bit more mechanic work than many people would have guessed.

26. I love that I am able to compartmentalize in a crisis.

27. I love that I continue to trust God - even on the days when I don't see how He will make this better.

28. I love that I believe that my God is kind and patient with His children's mistakes, yet still firm and unyielding about what is right.

29. I love that with my writing, I am able to communicate ideas and notions so much better than I do verbally.

30. I love that I have the ability to understand and use homeopathic remedies.

31. I love that I am open-minded enough to use crystals despite a number of people saying that Christian's maybe shouldn't believe in that kinda thing...

32. I love that I am resourceful, "scrappy," and do my best to make my money stretch.

33. I love that I can look good in a t-shirt and jeans.

34. I love that I can rock combat boots.

35. I love that I can outwork most guys I know if I need to for a short period of time - even though my body disapproves of me doing so and makes me pay for it for weeks...

36. I love that I am resillient.

37. I love that I am as honest as I am - despite the misunderstandings that can occur when I take questions the wrong way ... like "did you take drugs today?" haha

38. I love that I don't seem to see the image of other people in the same way as a lot of other people seem to. I have been known to scare friends with this trait, like when I wandered over to the homeless gentleman to sit with him while everyone else gives him such a wide arch of space. I still don't understand why others were worried... they could still see me, it wasn't like I vanished...

39. I love that I still have to remind myself that people are evil... and lie... it isn't second nature to me.

40. I love that I am pretty good with animals.

41. I love that I am passionate about several things - especially since I keep hearing that some don't find their passions until their 30's or 40's.

42. I love that I don't care about status... and despite it being an issue some days, that I see most as equals.

43. I love that I am eccentric.

44. I love that I appreciate the wisdom passed down - even if I don't agree with it.

45. I love that I can be no nonsense.

46. I love that I can just lose myself in my mind from time to time (see point 47).

47. I love that my kid's come first on every level on my being and that their needs outweigh any other problem that I am having!

48. I love that I am harder on myself than I am on anyone else in my life. More people should strive for that... but that is just my opinion.

49. I love that I can stun people when I wear makeup and put on a nice dress.

50. I love that I can shoot!

51. I love that my first thought when asked if I have access to a weapon that my brain remembers Home Alone... lol "Define weapon, please..."

52. I love that I am sweet.

53. I love that I am learning to accept my darkness.

54. I love that I am learning to allow myself to simply... do the things that make me so very happy!

55. I love that I honestly believe that everyone is good at art.

56. I love that I sing along - even if I can't stay on tune! lol

57. I love that I am learning that the things that I thought were weaknesses within me, were never things that I should have been ashamed about.

58. I love that I am learning that I am safe enough to show emotions.

59. I love that I am learning that I am the only one capable of truly loving myself for all of my depths - and that that is alright.

60. I love that I am learning that anyone who expects me to shrink in order to stay in their life... well... they are simply not my people. *smile*

61. I love that I understand the difference between equality and fair - even though it irritates me that I seem to understand it better than some healthcare professionals.

62. I love that I want to help educate people - even when it means that I have to deal with more direct stigma in my personal life.

63. I love how my eyes sparkle when I am truly happy.

64. I love that I am prim and proper when it comes to language most days, but can still make even truckers and sailors turn red if I decide to start using 4-letter words...

65. I love that I have a very unique sense of style.

66. I love that I appreciate the little things the most.

67. I love that I enjoy the outdoors as much as I do!

68. I love that I have such a wide range of songs that I listen to.

69. I love that I enjoy history (not recent...) so much.

70. I love that I typically think of others before myself.

71. I love that I am learning that putting my needs first is not selfish.

72. I love that I have an amount of spice that some people are not ready for because my sweet nature throws them off... hahaha

73. I love that I try to advocate for my needs.

74. I love that I am alright with being the bad guy in other people's stories as long as I can look myself in my own eyes every night.

75. I love that I can love and wish better things for those who really hurt me.

76. I love that I can't quite make myself seriously and personally want to cause anyone else pain despite what they may have done.

77. I love that I believe that everyone will know everything that was every done one day. It really helps me to let go of some things.

78. I love that I can be super direct with people.

79. I love that I try my best to not be direct as most people cannot handle that in communication... *wink* It's labelled "having tact."

80. I love that, despite not showing it very well sometimes, I deeply care about how I impact other people.

81. I love that I am learning that there is more strength in being vulnerable than there is in hiding those parts of myself.

82. I love that I get such joy out of simply leaving a note for someone I know ... just so that they might have an extra smile.

83. I love that I can identify the stigmas that I have - especially with ADHD after some of my experiences - and challenge my own beliefs.

84. I love that I am willing to read, watch, and learn about things that I have no interest in if that means that I can relate to a friend or family member better. Among these things are a few that I have actually grown to enjoy: The Big Bang Theory, Farscape, Sweet Home Alabama, Raising Hope, and Seinfeld.

85. I love that I am willing to try new things - even if I seem to require a lot of convincing to do so!

86. I love that I simply want to be real and raw with honesty... and that my heart breaks when people are so used to dealing with liars and cheaters.

87. I love that I try to smile through the pain if it means that someone else has a better day.

88. I love that I am handy at getting projects completed.

89. I love that I have the capacity to break...

90. I love that despite point 89, I continue being brave enough to let the breaking happen if it has to happen.

91. I love that I am learning to care about myself first.

92. I love that I adore vintage items - like oil lamps and wax sealed letters.

93. I love that I continue trying to be a decent gardener ... even if I have a graveyard of plants...

94. I love that I do things that make me scared and uncomfortable because... that is how one heals, right?

95. I love that I am learning to appreciate the grey areas... other people might not agree, but life is simply shades of grey.

96. I love that I still prefer colors to the grey zones and the black & white thinking that my therapist says that I have regarding a lot of things.

97. I love that I can bite my tongue before too much slips out.

98. I love that I know how to breathe through the heartbreaking reality that not a single person will ever be able to understand me... how much darkness I have lived through with a smile on my face because that was the right answer, right?

99. I love that I can feel myself disappear and fade into the shadows as you tell me that even with injustice that I cannot help... and still choose to keep living in this messed up world.

100. I love that I am taking the job of loving myself extremely seriously.

I challenge each of my readers to list 10 things that they love about themselves. It is definitely a challenge! *smile*