Why?

All I've ever wanted to know is why.

Just one simple question with an answer I'll never get.

Why am I different from my sisters?

Why do you love me differently?

I know you care, but it's not the same, and it never will be.

You give them your all.

I get what's left.

Why?

Did I do something?

Say something?

Am I too much like my daddy?

I've spent the majority of my life wondering why.

I've cried, I've screamed, I've wondered why you even brought me here if the one who gave me life didn't even want me.

I've learned over the years that my worth isn't found in you.

I have other people who love me, care for me, and are there for me in ways you never were and never will be.

Tell me why is it, though, that when you care for my sisters so deeply and it's something I've been through too, you weren't there for me.

Tell me, dear God, I want to know, why does it feel like you've sliced my heart open every time and poured salt straight into a fresh open wound?

A wound I swore I healed long ago.

Why won't this damn thing stay healed?

Comfort comes from knowing that my soul is loved by the Creator of the Universe.

I'm stronger than you and I'll keep going despite everything but damn if it doesn't still hurt.

I came from your womb, why am I treated like dirt?

Why am I treated as if I don't matter?

Why do your eyes light up when my sisters walk in the room, but they don't for me?

You think I don't notice, but I do. Everyone notices.

How many times have I questioned my worth because of you?

How many times have I wanted to die because I didn't think I needed to live if my mother didn't want me?

Too many...too damn many.

Why do I do this to myself?

Is it worth it?

No.

I can't seem to stop it, though, and I'm tired of fighting myself and telling myself I should know better and expect this, so quit crying over her.

The little girl inside me needs to cry.

She has always wanted you and needed you.

She always will, no matter how many times you hurt her.

But I'm here to reparent myself and let her know she can count on me.

I'm here, and it's ok.

It's ok to cry.

It's ok to feel this pain over and over.

You don't have to apologize.

You have every right to ask why.

I'm sorry that there is no good answer to your question.

Your why will fall on deaf ears.

So, instead, we ask, why not be kind to that little girl?

She deserves to cry and ask why as many times as she wants.