The Itch

Don’t scratch it, people are watching…

Put up with it; you have no choice.

Other parents will surely notice.

Oh man, why is it moist?

I should have grabbed myself a coffee.

Who’d have known it would be so cold?

My hands are freezing sitting here,

waiting for sports day to unfold.

Is that Beth’s mum I see, over there?

Dressed up to the nines, of course.

Anyone would think she’s on a date,

skirt so short, with no remorse.

It’s becoming unbearable…

Let’s pray she doesn’t sit next to me.

Maybe put your bag up on the chair?

I don’t want her getting any closer,

with all her slap and perfect hair…

Who dresses like that anyway,

when it’s barely ten A.M?

Only to sit and watch the kids compete,

and then go on home again?

Try subtly shifting in your seat...

We know she isn’t working.

She brags about her freedom as a mum,

spending all her husband’s money,

with her fake boobs and perfect bum.

Oh look, there’s Mr O’Connor,

fashionably late, I see.

He’s the new P.E. teacher.

Wouldn’t mind him teaching me.

Don’t do it...

Look at all the other mum’s blushing,

as he’s smoothly saunters past…

Ben’s mum’s single and fixing her hair,

just hoping he might ask.

How long do they plan to keep us?

This whole thing’s disorganised.

To keep all the parents waiting,

whilst they rush around inside!

Stop checking your watch,

you look bored and unimpressed.

You need to set a good impression,

just hope that Ben can do his best.

You might have to…

Gosh, that wind is bloody chilly,

and I’m just dying for a smoke.

Perhaps there’s time to go for one?

Their starting time's a joke.

Oh look, is that the Andersons?

They’ve been the talk of the town,

with Mrs A’s extracurriculars,

We've all heard she gets around.

Rumour has it, he found out!

And there’s divorce papers in the mix.

I hope it was worth it to her…

A high price to pay to get your kicks.

Why is it so bad?

Finally, the kids are coming out.

Uniforms all decked out for war.

Lining up in their classrooms,

some look embarrassed and unsure.

You can tell the athletes instantly.

They’re standing taller than the rest,

sizing up their competition,

whilst sticking out their chests.

Is that Jimmy running for the bushes?

Look at him, waddling as he goes.

Trying desperately to hold it in,

but he’s light upon his toes.

It’ll only take a second…

His teacher looks distraught.

Oh god, now she’s given chase!

To stop him from peeing in the bushes,

right before the race.

If he competes against our Ben,

he’s probably going to win.

Ben’s fast, but not that fast.

No mind, he’ll take it on the chin.

Think how good it will feel…

Mr White, over there, is a single dad,

of a teenage girl, no less.

It’s clear he’s overwhelmed,

but he tries his honest best.

Though someone needs to tell him,

he seems unaware of puberty…

He needs to buy his girl a bra,

or it will hurt to run, you see.

It’s driving me round the bend!

I do hope that Ben gets on okay,

and doesn’t trip, for all to see.

Our boy’s coordination is slim to none,

something he’s inherited from me.

Oh, that’s him right there, I think?

From this distance, I’m not quite sure.

Wave, but not too much, just in case,

you’ve embarrassed him before.

Perhaps you should see a doctor?

Guess I better get the camera out,

the other mums are all recording.

Though the school told us that we couldn’t,

In a polite email or forewarning.

Sod it, he’s only young once,

They’re all growing up so quick.

Blink and you’ll miss it, they say.

Therefore, my camera will always click.

Oh, here comes the Headteacher,

looking frazzled but undefeated.

Someone should mention her mic doesn’t work,

all of that will need to be repeated.

Excuse yourself, perhaps?

Pay attention; they’re in position.

It should be starting soon…

The sky’s threatening to open,

and reign down its depressing gloom.

I should have brought I coat,

Serves me right for having to rush.

The playground’s fallen quiet,

With anticipated hush.

And we're off now, finally!

Better late than never.

Maybe next year the school will focus,

attempt to get their shit together.

Oh! There’s that little cow, Katy.

The one who takes Ben’s lunch.

Hopefully, karma will find her,

and retaliate a punch.

For God’s sake, just do it. Who cares what people think?

I wonder how much trouble I’d get into,

for attempting to fight a kid?

If I claimed she tripped and fell,

I’d get arrested, God forbid.

Can’t teach him to hit girls though,

but I’d rather he didn’t hide.

I could always fight his mum,

she’s a tank though, let it slide.

The kids are getting closer,

but my camera lens looks hazy.

Oops, that lad has fallen over...

Get up now, whoops a daisy.

How many laps are they doing?

Why does Ben’s team look so slow?

Though he is speeding up now,

Good heavens, watch him go.

No one’s looking, now’s your chance…

I hope there isn’t a parent race,

to surprise us at the end.

I’ve not worn my running shoes,

I don’t hear them, I’ll pretend.

Jack’s dad will win it anyway.

He’s ex-military don’t you know?

He’ll tell anyone who will listen,

he did three tours in a row.

Finally! Sweet relief! Now you can concentrate…

Perhaps I should look into

getting a space on the P.T.A.?

I could show them how to organise

so that it doesn’t take all day.

This whole thing is a shambles,

maybe my time they could reimburse?

There’s the whistle, the race is over!

Oh shit, who came first?