The Duality of Laughter

I remember the first time I was struck

A swinging back hand colliding with my face

My ten year old mind grew ten years older in a second

I did not cry though, instead of tears, laughter took its place

I smiled, I don’t know why to be honest

I laughed through the sting on my skin, and the ache in my teeth

Maybe I wanted to appear brave

Trying to hide the pain underneath

The bruise faded in days

Yet the pain on the inside I would carry for years

As would the laughter, the jokes, the smiles I wore

Never revealing my pain, never revealing my fears

I remember the first time I had my heart broken

It broke me to have someone I loved discard me once again

I thought this one might be different from everyone else

I was naive to think they would love me til the bitter end

I walked home, and laughed, as if the whole scenario was a cruel joke

As if I would get the better of them by not revealing how they hurt me

But this time the cracks in my laugh began to show

A reluctant tear rolled down my face, a remorseful sign of vulnerability

I remember the first time a family member of mine passed away

I smiled, even though I tried not to, I laughed in front of everyone

To which they all responded with, “What the hell is wrong with you?”

I don’t know, a lot? I’m not sure. I thought, but couldn’t manage to say

I could not handle the devastation

The grief made me uncomfortable to be in my own skin

My mind could not fathom what I had loss

The cracks in my mask started to show from within

I remember the first time I went to therapy

Searching for a way to release this pain

Years of it that had collected dust within me

Even when I changed and grew, it stubbornly stayed the same

We unpackdd it together, the root cause of this blockage

Trying to find ways to bring it to the surface, to find a way to release

I went to that little therapy room for months

And after I started to understand myself, a new feeling arose; peace

She said I fooled myself into thinking that I was always okay

“You don’t show the real self to anybody, even you.”

See we show the world the mask we wear

But we also wear ones to hide from ourselves too

I remember the first time I took off my mask

To smile only for joy, no need to hide from the pain

I try to be vulnerable when I can

And will never have a reason put on the mask again