there’s dirt again
beneath my fingernails
buried deep
I could try to scrub
try to wash and dry
but the dirt
is not physical or tangible
the dirt is there
but only I
and those I’ve hurt
can see it
the dirt is a reminder
of past offences
of past digresses
the dirt, though invisible
is visible always
the dirt is a reminder
I am no better than I ought to be
my self-confidence
needs to be held accountable
kept in check
even when I shower
wear something fresh and clean
the dirt is ever present
ever marking me
#
rather than despising the dirt
feeling its weight on me
I look at the dirt
as a reminder
of what I have been
of what I have done
past tense, not present tense
the dirt is the remnant
it serves as a warning
to not overreach myself
to not think too much
to know that even as I stand
I can and will fall again
into the dirt
the dirt
that finds its way
under my fingernails
*
Thanks for reading!
Author's Notes: This poem was originally published on Medium via Scuzzbucket on Apr 6, 2025. You can view the original here.
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Paul Stewart
Award-Winning Writer, Poet, Scottish-Italian, Subversive.
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Comments (13)
Like how it the final lines echoed the first, opening and closing with a very powerful anchoring image! If it’s under the fingernails time was certainly spent deep in the dirt whatever it might be
so well put, Paul <3 cut right to the quick of being human
The dirt of everyday living is what makes us all human. Lessons will be learned. Good job.
I absolutely love this! The staining theme reminds me heavily of Lady Macbeth with her "Out damned spot". The dirt, the blood, the memories never leave and you've done a stellar job of capturing that feeling.
Whoaaaa Sir Paul, this was so deep. Loved your poem! 🍩🥐
I feel like you’re always so honest but also so tough on yourself. I think the fact that you know you’ve made mistakes (haven’t we all) makes you a better person.
I believe I have probably told you before of the metaphor popular among many an evangelical concerning God's forgiveness: how God throws all our sins we've confessed into this sea of forgetfulness where God also posts a "No Fishing" sign. I think I told you about how my prayers changed overtime. I don't want God to forget my misdeeds. I want God to remember so that God can help me to do better. In this poem you go a little bit further into another area of spiritual discourse which I treasure, & it has to do with the names Devil & Satan. Before either of those names became capitalized, they were simply words, both meaning "to accuse" or "accuser", & they served a vital spiritual function. They remind us that we are not God, that we cannot do this on our own, & that without God, the Spirit, & one another (for Christians, Jesus fits in all three categories), we are naught but dust. And for that reason, I am thankful for them, for Satan/Devil remind me as good friends should that to be who I have been created & called to be I cannot forge ahead solo. God's purpose for them is not to condemn (as though they could ever have such authority), but to remind us--oft having to make it overwhelmingly & abundantly clear (I shudder to think how plainly they have had to make that to my face)--that we need God. Your poem takes me there as I read it, reminding me of this undeniable truth.
"the dirt is the remnant it serves as a warning" So beautifully put, Paul... sometimes I wish the dirt could wash away, or that the new friends we meet would never come to see it too. Chilling!
How apt to see this now, when I'm still reeling from this one, on a similar theme (not my work): https://shopping-feedback.today/poets/plant-darkness-wk18170a2s%3C/span%3E%3C/span%3E%3C/span%3E%3C/a%3E%3C/p%3E%3C/div%3E%3C/div%3E%3C/div%3E%3Cdiv class="css-w4qknv-Replies">
God, this hit like a bullet. I know exactly what you mean about keeping yourself in check and about using those remnants of shame as fuel to be better. Brilliance, Paul.
A fascinating treatise on the subliminal markets we place in our own minds. Open to many interpretations but certainly thought provoking.
This poem felt metaphorical for me in the sense that you can never wash away regret, anxiety and the mistakes we make. All you can do is carry on and try to better next time. Well dine Paul, this was really relatable for me!!
but only I and those I’ve hurt can see it. This is the essence I think I got. If people try to shape their mind like they do to their body!!!