How apropos
For writers and poets
That ‘womb’ and ‘tomb’
Rhyme so effortlessly.
And it's morning, and I'm mourning
For the child I'll never meet–
I can see them so clearly,
His eyes, my smile,
Our minds (poor thing).
And yes, I love this life
That would never have been
If I'd stayed…
But I can't help but wonder
How it would've played out:
What would they love?
Who would they want to become
If they'd had a chance
To be?
I'm sorry.
I was never ready…
I wanted you to have a better life
Than mine,
And now
You have
nothing.
I wanted to be
The best parent I could,
I worked on myself
Until I worked out
How unhappy
I was,
Then I had to change
Everything,
And you got lost
In the shuffle,
All our carefully-laid plans
faded…
I would rather regret
Never having you
Than face the fact
That I'd hurt you
(ultimately, irreparably)
I couldn't do it.
But now you'll never have
The chance to heal,
Or do, or feel.
The reasons I wanted you
Weren't enough, in the end:
A child is not
An experiment,
A way to bond,
A legacy,
An assurance
That I'll never be alone;
You would've been
A full person,
Not a vessel for
Expectation.
Who was I to create life
When mine was half-lived?
When I was still trying
To be everything
Everyone wanted of me?
They'll cut away at
Any possibility, and
I turn away,
Your face too sweet:
So innocent, a thing
I protected so hard
You never had a chance
To sing.
Now I have to raise
My inner child
In a gentler way that they
Never experienced
While I cry
For the child
I'll never meet.
About the Creator
Bex Jordan
They/She. Writer. Gardener. Cat-Lover. Nerd. Always looking up at the sky or down at the ground.
Profile photo by Román Anaya.
Bluesky: @umasabirah.bsky.social
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Comments (27)
Wooohooooo congratulations on your honourable mention! 🎉💖🎊🎉💖🎊
Congratulations on Top Story!! - Well Deserved!!
Heartbreaking ❤️ much love to you xxx
Congratulations on TS🥳🥳 So much you have said in this poem…brave what you decided and brave to share it with us! 💕 it was well done!
Congratulations...on top story.. Merry Christmas
You face these tough emotions with such bravery and vulnerability, and it's so wonderful to see. Every inch of hurt shines through in this piece without being too meandering. The writing here is sharp and as clear as an exhale during January. Congratulations on Top Story.
What a lovely and emotional read with so much underlying meaning. Congratulations on the Top Story.
"Wanted" and "wondered" are two different things, separated by a choice. A baby is not a baby until it is wanted—that's the current conventional thinking. True, the blameless are those who make their decisions based on what they must face at the time, as capably as they can; but regret is a ruthless haunter, nonetheless and bullying, when capability's failings fade into the past. Great poem. Great message for those who can read between the lines. And it champions the untying of the knot of regret by realizing that it's never too late to love them. Love in the present is love in the future and the past, as well. Love transcends the number line we plod along on.
Movingly mature and deserving of Top Story.
TS well deserved 👍
Merry Christmas. and congratulations on the top story.
The child i never met awesome lines
Your poem is a profoundly moving and introspective exploration of regret, loss, and the complexity of making life-altering decisions.
Heartwrenching and powerful...
This is such a powerful poem, Bex. You truly convey the heartbreak with the flow of beautiful words. Congrats on the well-deserved Top Story!
Wonderful 🏆
This is so beautiful and heartfelt. I feel the yearning and sadness in your words. Being a parent is not an easy feat, and I’m glad you were able to make the decisions that were best for you and any possible child; that’s not an easy feat either. Congrats on top story. Well earned!
Back to say Congratulations on Top Story!!
Congrats on your top story.
Such a deserving top story. I could really feel the raw emotion in each word. Genuinely beautiful.
This was so moving and deep. Love your vulnerability in this poem. Also congratulations on top story.
I think the story was incredible interesting, out of this world
The expression here goes deeper than we all know. So well done and heartfelt. Congrats on your TS.
I will admit that I am nearly in tears right now, but Bex, this is absolutely gorgeous writing. I lost one of my twins when I was pregnant years ago and I've always wondered what kind of life she would have. Thanks for writing this poem and congratulations on top story!
This is the saddest poem I have read so far. Perhaps because I lost a grown child myself. Most likely because it hit a nerve. Beautifully written.