humor
Bloody Pencilvanian-Penlander War Continues With No End In Sight
The ink stains of the dead Penlanders are as fresh as the horror and dismay over the fates of the many Pencilvanians erased from the front lines. This centuries old conflict shows no signs of abating as fighting renewed again yesterday at the contested border between the two warring nation states. Hardest hit by loss were the famed Penlander fountaineers claiming some 500 dead in the first five minutes of fighting alone. They stormed the Pencilvanian front lines early and with numbers but ran head first into a hail of graphite re-enforced artillery shells lobbed from deep behind enemy lines. The battle tested #2 company of the Pencilvanian army then counter attacked with a neat pincer move attempting to sever the head of the Penlander BiC brigade, so named for its legendary leader General Brad (ironside) Cotton. General Cotton called for a counter-attack but the Pencilvanians gelled as a unit, hardened their lines with their mechanicalized troops, and repulsed the counter easily with a simple brush stroke. In a last ditch maneuver to salvage something from the horrendous string of losses the General fielded razor company and the 101st lighter brigade consisting of several thousand battle tested Penlander shock troopers. They attacked in ball point formation exploiting a small crack in the Pencilvanian lines. At the point of impact ink and black carbon flew in all directions as the ancient enemies met in bloody tip to tip fighting. This reporter will never forget the horror of that sight and prays for a swift end to this seemingly never ending war.
By Everyday Junglist2 years ago in Poets
Mellow Yellow and Orange Crush Maintain Dominant Position in City Public Pool Soda Vending Machines
Perennial also rans of the soda wars Orange Crush and Mellow Yellow somehow managed to remain the most popular offerings of city public pool vending machines despite continuing to see major reductions in every other sector of the soda vending industry. The continued dominance of this microniche by two sodas that have seen much better days has puzzled marketers and industry watchers alike. Soda analyst and author of “Cola wars, How Coke Beat the Stuffing Out of Pepsi and Left it Crying on the Side of the Road like a Little Bitch” Stephen Palmer said of the strange result. “I guess it just goes to show how out of touch city officials are with the tastes of the children and adolescents of the primarily low income families that make up the main users of city public pools. Also, of course many of the larger cities municipal public pool systems locked in multi decade vending machine contracts back in the late 80s when Mellow Yellow and Orange Crush were actually considered semi-respectable soda brands that some people actually liked to drink. Back then many people thought these two brands could be the next Coke and Pepsi. God, we were such idiots. How could we have been so blind?” Les Thompson, 35 year employee of the city of Cleveland and city pool manager for 20 years echoed those sentiments saying “Look we all know Mellow Yellow and Orange Crush are terrible soft drinks. They blow. They look and taste like garbage, but we simply have no choice. The contracts have us locked in until 2030 at the earliest. Sorry kids but water is always available for free out of the fountain by the restroom, when it’s working.”
By Everyday Junglist2 years ago in Poets
Last Remaining Transhumanist Swears the Singularity is Still Gonna Happen
The worlds last remaining transhumanist reported today that the singularity is still just around the corner and will be here before you know it. Ted Stephens, speaking from his parents basement, made the following statement describing his belief in no uncertain terms. “People called us crazy five years ago when we began sharing the news that the singularity was coming with the non woke people of the world. They said a utopian future fueled by runaway computer growth featuring ultra intelligent machines catering to our every wish, allowing us to live in work free luxury while they do all the work of maintaining our world and civilization, was nuts. That saying man and machine would bond to form a new third species that transcends the limitations of both, sounded like the ramblings of a madman. Well, who’s crazy now, I ask them, who’s crazy now? The singularity is coming. This week for sure, or next, possibly next month, likely this year, almost certainly in the next five years, no doubt about it this decade, can’t miss absolutely certain this century, you’ll see, you’ll all see.” He then cackled strangely, turned, and slowly walked away. Reached for comment the rest of the world replied “the singu what now? Was that the thing where all the drones were going to be delivering our packages and filling the skies in a cloud so thick it blocks out the sun? or the thing with the cars that drive themselves? and aren’t computers already ultra-intelligent, I mean machines are learning left and right out there and they have beaten us at a bunch of games, including some humans consider very hard. A non intelligent computer could never do that. That dude is a weirdo.”
By Everyday Junglist2 years ago in Poets
Up to 5 Million Doomsday Preppers Suddenly Disappear
Bunkers across the Country Empty, Gun and Gas Mask Sellers Predict Catastrophe In a mysterious occurrence like nothing the world has ever seen up to five million people, all part of the so called ‘preppers’ movement, have suddenly disappeared, leaving nothing but their neatly folded clothing behind. Many non-preppers who were left behind were suggesting that the Biblical end time known as the rapture had come. Local pastor Tim Stephens said in an interview “There can be no doubt that the rapture has indeed come though it has taken a form few had predicted. Instead of taking all the holy and believers in God up to heaven and leaving behind the sinful to fight to the death in a hellish afterscape where only the strongest and most well prepared would survive, it took all of the people who were the most well prepared to survive that nightmare world of death and destruction. What will become of those like us who were left behind now that the preppers are gone? I surely can’t say?” As of 1pm EST the day after the so called prepper rapture the world had declared an end to all wars for all time and began preparing for a utopian future without discord or strife.
By Everyday Junglist2 years ago in Poets
