Spoken Word: Unsent Letters III

I’m starting to feel more of me again

I wonder where she went

The remaining part of me thought that she was dead

The trauma of losing me

Suppressed all my memories

Digressed all my energy

That I didn’t even know I was mourning her loss

because I forgot that she was

I forgot she was real

And forgot she had life

I forgot she was warm

And she laughed

And she cried

I am her

What happened?

What caused her to hide?

I’m here, it’s me

I’ve been here the whole time

Maybe it was the anxiety that ate away fragments of my soul

And maybe it was the depression that absorbed the joy I used to know

And maybe it was fear that trained my thoughts to their control

But somewhere deep in limbo

I heard my cry for help

The remainders of my being fighting hard and reaching out

Speaking loud

Dreaming bout

The life I’d have if I could grab the wheel

And just reroute

Flip a bitch and turn around

“It’s do or die

Take it now”

The words that echoed out her mouth

Overruled all other sounds

Fear was in the driver’s seat but I got one hand on the wheel

I knew my demons had some hands

And their mission was to kill

My mind they tried to steal

Destroy all my peace

And destroy all my will

One hand steering

One hand swinging

Damn what a thrill

I should get compensation

Invoice that bill

When I got my seat back

I seen the weather change

And though my soul rejoiced In sunshine

It wasn’t time to celebrate

Because it wasn’t just depression

But a pattern I had to break

What emotions are triggering this darkness

And what situations are triggering these emotions

So many layers

And thoughts

And commotion

I observed the cycles

Now that I’ve gained control I can finally see what’s inside

I saw anger

So much that it felt wrong

Anger hidden under depression

And then I thought

Maybe angry people are just people who’ve been depressed for too long

And then I looked under Anger, and under that I found Bitterness

I think bitter at myself for staying lost in the wilderness

And under bitterness was resentment

I resented myself for not being more protected

And under resentment

A deep sadness

A sadness I’ve abandoned

Unseen

Unheard

Malnourished

And damaged

It was then I realized that it was so much more that just gaining control

It was achieving emotional freedom

And that was the key to making me whole

Acknowledge

Feel

Resolve

Release

Embrace don’t suppress

I matter to me

I accept all these things

Here’s my patience

Here’s my love

Here’s my forgiveness

And Peace

Peace at last

And the little things that make up what I find beautiful about me are slowly coming back

I like to wait until I’m in my car to hear a new song

Then sing with all my heart at the top of my lungs

And I like taking pictures of cute ladybugs

And I love to dance alone in the living room to songs like ms Jackson

And I love going on pointless rants that get people laughin

I love room decor sections so I can feel the soft blankets

And I love walking after it rains because the air is so fragrant

And when I cook I like pretending that I have my own show

And I love that I love to sit and write poems

I love smoking weed outside when it’s warm

And I love lighting candles all night til the morn

And I love that I’m getting myself back to me

And I love that I’m healing

And love that I’m free

I love my discouragement that evolved into dreams

I love all of the passion and fire I bring

And I embrace all my brokenness cause it’s given me peace

It’s opened my lungs

And now I can breathe

It’s given me life

I’m alive

I’m loving myself back to life