Spoken Word: Unsent Letters II

The time he hugged me from behind

While we were goofing off in Barns n Noble

And how he declared his feelings to me for the first time in the Safeway entree way

How could the sweet delicacy

of butterflies wings

Be used to describe this raging anxiety?

There’s foreign objects flying inside of me

And they take all control

I try to be cool

But I’m in panic mode

I’m typically so charming

So pray it doesn’t show

But I keep wiping my palms

And boys are always so calm

Literally unbothered

While I literally wanna die cause I’m so fucking awkward

Like the time when he compared our hand sizes so he can interlock our fingers

Then said my nails were pretty

But I’m sure he didn’t care about either

And the time on the phone

I joked

and said “you hate me”

And he laughed and said “no”

“I lov- LIKE! I LIKE YOU!”

I said “you love me”

He said “…maybe”

And when I said

I just want to be perfect, perfect all the time

And he replied with

“But aren’t you though?”

Damn I hate it when he’s right

And when we sat at my table

And I had a case of bouncy knee

And he locked it in between his legs

Held it down and looked at me

You know when you can’t stop bouncing your knee

Because subconsciously

Your body is just leaking out anxiety

Well he

made me feel grounded

In the moment at least

Because before I knew it there they were again

Flapping their muthafuckin wings

Like that night by the lake

When I was ready to through some hands

But then he picked me up

And kissed me

And I forgot why I was mad

And when he FaceTimed me drunk

Because I’m always on his mind

It was 3am, I answered

First thing he said “I love you”

About 6 or 7 times

And when we were both so scared

To let each other in

And he pulled out his guitar

And sang “we could happen”

“I know we could happen, cause you know that I’ve been

Feelin you, I hope you want me too”

And I did

And all the nights he held me close because secretly I’m clingy

And all the talks that had me thinking

Damn this guy can read me

And that time he went to the beach with his friends

And wrote our nicknames in the sand

He always broke the rules

And always made me laugh

Things ended really ugly

Like really bad, But damn

I really did love him

And deep down I believe he really loved me back

We were all meant to be

but not meant to last

But who knows

We shall see

It’s still beautiful and liberating reminiscing on the past

To focus on the sweet things

These memories are so humbling

Because I always focus on the worst

Turn my Prince into a Villain

Because what he did fucking hurt

It’s easy to blur

What was once a blessing

And remember it as a curse

And it’s easy to blur the line between love and hate

Because my descriptions of them turn dark

But the passion stays the same

And I don’t want my book of love

To be chapter after chapter

Of another heartbreak

I want life and I want electricity

And I want to remember the sparks from the first time he kissed me

And I want to smile at the thought of

When he first touched my hand

And I want lust and adventure

From the bitter sweet romance

And hopefully it inspires me

To take another chance

To let the butterflies fly again

Even if their wings don’t last