Spoken Word: Unsent Letters

Dear Heart

It’s been a minute since we been connected

I thought of reaching out

But the way that things had ended

Was too messy and depressing

Couldn’t bare another second

I hope you’re not offended

Our talk has just begun

But I already sense some tension

That wasn’t my intention

I wanna heal these opened wounds

And there’s a lot that needs attention

Wound number 1

There’s nothing worse to me than feeling unwanted

Okay let’s unpack this

The obvious result of a parent being absent

I cried myself to sleep at night

Because I didn’t understand

Why I wasn’t good enough

to have a sober dad

Or the time when I was 14

and the first boy I ever loved

pretended not to know me

It’s always the ones that chase you first

I came to the conclusion that boys only loved the thought of me

And isn’t that the fucking worst?

Or when I was 21

And I prepared to be his wife

But he was screwing someone else

Because he lived a double life

Like I said, they only love the thought of me

He didn’t even feel bad

Not even an apology

That feeling of being unwanted

Turns into

Thinking I’m not “good enough”

Why am I never good enough?

It’s just

so much easier to never want anyone

Than to risk being rejected by the one I want the most

Wound number 2

How old was I the first time?

I was 6,

it was the same person when I was 7

The same person when I was 8

And then I moved when I was 9

Growing up in church

If you were a girl, you had to be pure

And I did it with a passion

And I did it out of fear

Because I was told if I didn’t wait

I would disappoint my future husband

Mess up once and you’re good for nothin

Actually let me rephrase

“Get taken advantage of”

I was 19

I was never really noticed

And never really seen

I was a good girl

A sweet church girl but

But an easy target apparently

“She makes it too easy for him”

Yeah I guess I did

I just wanted him to love me

But all he wanted was to touch me

Id push his hands away

Til I was weak and I was drained

But he never got tired

And he always got his way

Then he’d say that he adores me

As if a wolf adores his prey

I’m a sheep, sad to say

And I protected him

Because I wanted him to stay

I was 22, broken-hearted, and too drunk to walk

And he was there, he was sober

And since then we haven’t talked

But of course, I’m the one at fault

Im the one in sin

He’s the innocent church boy

And I’m the whore that derailed him

I decided to keep the fun parts of sex and leave the feelings behind

I’ve had friends with benefits

One night stands

And it made me feel alive

It made me feel powerful

I was in control

I had a sexual awakening

And I was on a roll

Don’t look me in the eye

I’m known for stealing souls

So heart, I disconnected you from my body

And maybe that was Bad

Because I’ve never made love

But damnit I can fuck

And I’m the best they’ve ever had

Wound number 3

I have to be perfect

Perfect all the time

I crave it

I need it

Perfection lest I die

I don’t think I fully love and accept myself unless I am

I put so many conditions on the amount of love and goodness I am worthy of based on where I land on my self made spectrum of perfection

As long as I’m perfect

No one has to worry about me

Perfection never raised questions

Perfection never faced rejection

Perfection blurs away everything I hate about myself and my life and gives me the illusion of wholeness

As long as I am perfect I am whole

As long as I am perfect I am complete

As long as I am perfect I can be loved

But I’m not perfect yet, and I never accept who I am in the present

To ever be enough

How do I love me in the present?

And not just this hypothetical version of me that is more successful and 50 pounds skinnier

And wears designer clothes

and travels the world

How do I accept me in the present?

And not the version that is fully healed and promotes self love and self care, and sisterhood camaraderie

How do I embrace myself

The raw version

Cause honestly

I guess I’m also just in love with the thought of me

Yikes, how’s that for reality?

Why do I only love myself when I accomplish things?

Yes I do believe

That I’m worthy of blessings and happiness and respect and love

But I’m hard on myself because life has taught me that many don’t agree with that statement above

So many are just talk, mainly all lies

Mainly all wolves

So run before they bite

Before it gets too late

Wolves are stronger in the night

I’ve been told that I’m a sheep

And sheep aren’t meant to fight

They’re meant to be protected

But I’m not

So I’ll hide

Hide under perfection

Because then I can’t be hurt

Heart we’re disconnected

Because that’s what’s best for her

The her that can be perfect

The her that feels no pain

The her that has it all

And dates with NSA

The her thats not depressed

The her that’s not betrayed

The her that’s not an anxious mess

The her that’s not afraid

We’re disconnected now

And that’s how we’ll remain

But I’m glad we got to have this talk

I’ll come back for you someday