(something) happened

today i cut my hair

and i still feel fucking ugly

-

ma says

we wish for what we don't have

so i wish for it all

-

i repulse myself in every mirror

hand on the bulge of my stomach

feel the mass of my hate

-

the world is persistent

it still turns

and i still breathe

-

everything within now

is cold

and lifeless

-

i fight to regain the fire

of what i once was

of who i pretend to be

-

something happened

along the way

to make everything hopeless

and wrong

about me

-

maybe i was Made broken

maybe it has always been

like this

-

it was doomed from the start

girls will be

fucking bitches

and boys will be boys

-

ask me what i'm thinking

and you wouldn’t believe

the worlds i've made for myself

the way i can't exist in my own mind

for a second

-

monsters underneath the skin

fight to rear their ugly heads

to rip themselves free

to soak our sheets with blood

-

if God is real

why will he not destroy us

the question permeates

my thoughts and dreams

-

i do not touch or feel

anymore

to touch is to lose

and i've lost

so much

-

let my misery sink and simmer

let the pity sink into my bones

to feast on my festering soul

-

i will smile

in the darkened face of death

i will let them all see

a glimpse of the true self

along the way

and it will set me free