On Waking Up

What the heck did I just dream?

Something something walking in a grey-gray city-

The Big Apple?

Rotten apple, more like. In the dream, I mean.

And now I'm in the FBI

And I'm the brains behind the unit

Okay, that's freaking funny-

Yeah, I'm smart, but I don't think I'm THAT kind of smart

Though Doc did try to get me into forensics in college

Because his star protégé was the one who worked out the maggot timeline on corpses.

Yeah, sure, I could have done it

But I really didn't want to give up my life

Because that's what I would become, an obsessed killer-stalker

With no life outside the hunt.

But I do like watching Cold Case to see some of my old colleagues

And wonder what if?

Mmmfff. What time is it?

Do I have to get up yet?

Don't wanna open my eyes

Because then I have to be responsible and shit.

I have to pee.

I have to eat.

I have to take a shower first

And I'd rather lie here and try to remember the FBI dream

Oh, yeah, it turned into a TV show

That I was in, and then they got rid of all of us

Like fired the actors, and wrote our characters right out of the script

One by one, like some kind of Survivor meets Without a Trace.

Replaced us with well-known names, dumbed down the plot, got rid of all the cool

Intriguing stuff. Jerkwads.

And now I'm in my apartment

Talking to a friend

Who came over and was scrolling through the channels while I made dinner,

Found my old show, was asking questions.

Yeah, I get residuals. No, I don't want to talk about it, I got six stinking episodes.

It got popular after we were canned.

I was one of the first to go, because I'm fat. Can't have that in a show, now can we?

I don't even watch me anymore, I know the lines by heart

And get up and go to the bathroom when I'm on screen.

Why? Well, I'm fat, aren't I? Who wants to watch that?

Wow, it is so weird hearing my voice coming from another room, it sounds different,

Just like people say it does

I haven't heard my own voice in a recording in a long time

Except I am, just now?

Weird.

Okay, okay, I'll watch it, give me a minute, I gotta really pee

Like a Pavlov experiment that went all wrong.

All right, I'm coming. Hand me the popcorn?

Hit play, because I know you're perched on the remote

Like some strange portent of doom.

Ah, yeah, I remember that dress!

I love the color! Emerald green, with a touch of blue to give it a shimmer

Still have it hanging in my closet for special occasions.

Haven't had one in a while. Occasion to wear it, I mean.

Eh, I don't look as fat as they claimed I am.

I mean, I've put on weight since,

Time and diabetes will do that, but the show's not so bad,

I loved the intricacy of those first shows, setting up these complex situations

That were dropped for stupid shagging each other like doesn't happen in real life.

Wait, am I still dreaming?

I still gotta pee.

Like, kinda badly.

Do I have to open my eyes? That dream was kinda intriguing. Layers of meaning, that one.

Bleaugh. Sunlight.

Don't wanna.

Where'd my fuzzy socks go?

Musta kicked them off in the night.

Ugh. Daylight. Gotta get up.

Shower and clothing before foods, which is what I really want.

Exercises...

Gotta do exercises before I get up.

Fine. Quad lifts, else my knee seizes up.

Then the leg lifts, because I hafta.

Don' wanna.

Hungry.

Bladder.

Shower!

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP-