Mommy’s Toy

Awake. On her head. Awake. Mommy. Sleepy time. Awake now. Play time.

Toy? Hedgy Hoggy. Then brother Henley. Lick his face. Kissies.

Kiss Mommy. Hand licking. Tummy rubbies.

Lick hand. Mommy up. Lick lick lick. Kissies.

Outside for peepees? Peepee time.

Mommy in bed now. Toy. Throws it. Get it! Hedgy Hoggy.

No room on lap. Mommy, throw. Mommy, throw. Mommy looks at her toy on lap. Stops throwing.

Nap. Near Mommy. No room on lap.

Mommy goes outside. Want to come? Ok? Henley no. Outside quick. Inside again.

Mommy makes food. Thing in hand. Not toy. Food. Sit. Mommy. Mommy. Ok. Food. Good girl. Mommy other words to thing in hand. Walk to couch.

Mommy with no place on lap. Lap gone. No. Nap. Nap with Henley. We are babies. My brother. Sleepy time.

Mommy plays with toy. Hates toy. Mommy is sad. Puts toy down. Not her favourite toy.

Mommy is sad. In bed. Lick her face. Kissies. Mommy holds me.

Mommy has to go back to toy. Hates toy, but still plays. Lick Mommy. Nap time.

Maybe Mommy wants out?

Mommy let’s me out. She goes out too.

Mommy hates her toy. But goes back.

I take a toy. Not Hedgy Hoggy. Kill toy. Take off face. See Mommy?

Girl comes home. Mommy loves the girl. I sit beside Mommy. Mommy gives belly rubs. I love Mommy.

Mommy hates toy now. No more toy now. She will play again tomorrow. Loves toy like Hedgy Hoggy.

Mommy is here and if she is outside, I miss her. Mommy is home. I pee on her toy. Toy makes Mommy sad. I will give her kissies.

*******

I open my eyes. My little dog is licking my eyes. I don’t know why I let her do this. It’s probably unsanitary. But she loves me so freaking much. Whatever. She wakes the big dog up too. Licks his grumpy face. He doesn’t need to get up until I do. And I do. Don’t want to. My kid is at her father’s. I’m so fucking depressed. I have to though.

The little dog is so happy in the morning. I have to pretend I am too. Gotta throw that toy and use the happy voice.

Get up. Stick to the routine. Let the dogs out. Feed them. No shots of tequila for breakfast. Nothing. No… Diet Coke. Keep on keeping on.

Back to the fucking bedroom after a shower and way too much makeup. Never knew how to do makeup like my sister. Watched some YouTube tutorials. My daughter showed me this shit. Never used to care. Have no money now and have to. And thank god for filters. My Laptop is on my lap and my little dog can’t climb up there, which saddens her. It’s not her fault, so I try to keep her nearby. Gotta love end-of-days lost-my-job can’t-undo-depression decisions.

Tokens are worth five cents. Five. Some people tip one token.

Used to want shit. Got a degree. Wrote. Worked fucking hard. Had a house. Had HOUSES. So don’t judge me. Still alive. And now Live. Check it out. There’s a market for everything.

Had to finish so they all could. Go downstairs and make some food. Never really hungry any more because of the drugs. Shove a grape in my mouth. Feed the dogs leftovers. They love me no matter what.

I do it on the couch this time. Closed the blinds, don’t worry. Fucking embarrassing. After this I’ve made enough. I hit the bed. Cover my head. Enough, you piece of shit. Enough. The dogs never leave my side. That’s love. Right?

The phone rings. I look at the number. It’s him. I can’t. Let it go. Instead text my dealer. He’ll be a couple hours. I’ll take a nap. I hold my little dog. She lets me. That’s nice of her.

Alarm. I have to drive to the store to get money. Leave it outside. It’s coming soon. Made enough money today to stay oblivious and alive. No one would get this but at least I’m alive. I used to be good at life. Now I work with my dogs and they see me spread my legs and don’t understand but still love me.

My daughter is coming today. She knows. Not everything. But that I’m fucking up. Tell her I worked online again. She wants something nice.

Can’t find my phone. My daughter helps me look. Maybe it’s gone. Maybe if it’s gone I can stop. Want to stop.

The little dog crawls on my head. She kisses me. Like a lover. Like the best love. Another day alive. Thanks baby.