I'm fine.

***

Remember how I never said

your tongue cut me like a sword?

Instead I smiled and reassured you

it’s alright

I’m good

it’s fine

I brushed it off as something small,

as something to forget.

*

Your tongue so sharp,

it slipped through flesh

and left behind no clear trace,

until the blood came flowing out.

Sliced through my skin

and heart

and bone

left behind an open wound

invisible to you.

*

Remember how you never heard

me tell you my true feelings?

One time I did

you acted as

my words were background buzz.

All you sought were sweet clichés

it’s alright

I’m good

it’s fine

But every cell inside me yelled,

I’m not okay,

not good

not fine.

I yearned to scream

I yearned to cry,

to ravage every cozy lie.

*

I kept saying it was nothing,

just something in my eye.

Day by day

I cried

and cried,

repeated,

it’s alright

I’m good

it’s fine

It should come as no surprise

that all the fines

were big fat lies.

*

Remember all the times I laughed?

Camouflage – to guard my heart.

The only answer to your jokes

was laughter well-rehearsed.

Not a single flying fuck you gave

when turned me into a lying knave.

You never knew, you never saw

the poison underneath your claws.

The virulence your touch let out

grew evil, weedy, twisted sprouts.

Your putrid heart and rotten mind

with hurt and hatred were aligned.

*

So, that is why –

I kept quiet

I stayed calm

to stay alive

and out of harm.

*

it’s alright

I’m good

it’s fine

are the darkest curses.

They’re cover-ups,

conspiracies,

victim reluctantly rehearses.

So when it’s time to put on the show

these bitter lines by heart I’ll know.

*

But now it’s time,

it’s overdue,

to let it out

and say the truth.

Yes, I lied,

for years on end,

in hopes to keep my shattered heart

from breaking thoroughly apart.

*

To know the truth,

to crack the code,

take all I said,

invert it whole –

upside down

inside out,

completely flip it all about.

***