Generational

It took me years to get here

And I'm still going.

At first it was approval-

Seeking words of validation

-I'm proud of you mija-

Like a puppy seeking praises

Along the way it twisted

Molded by generational trauma-

Women who loved too hard for their own good

Women who were passengers in their lives

Molded by watching raindrops and hurricanes

Swirl behind their eyes

Tempered by hollow words

Words of validation and approval

Like magnolias in spring it blossomed into spite-

Bold and graceful.

I did things they told me not to

Voices saying

-All that trying and still you're crying-

-Validation and praises are impossible to reach-

-Standards too high to beat-

So don't.

I'm growing because they said I couldn't

Made me feel like I wouldn't

My feet anchored by the women before me

And the men above them.

The words

-I want to do better-

I will

But I won't be you.

The spite that coaxed me higher

-I don't want what you have-

The spite fed by their trauma

-I just want to be happy-

Deep down in my core I still seek those words

But I no longer seek them from silent corners

From he who told me

-it's us against them-

From he who told me

-I understand-

From she who told me

-you're stuck with me-

From she who told me

-You mean the world to me-

From me-

Who says

-In your face-

I'm watered with validity

I sprout in the care they planted

From their generational trauma

passed down like a prize

To the spite that grew from it-

To prove to myself that I can

Not out of hate-

I grow because I know I can

It's springtime now,

The magnolias outside are blooming

Bold and graceful.