Anniversary

My Love,

We didn’t even say goodbye when I dropped you off at the airport, we didn’t need to.

"It’s going to be okay, let’s not be sad! Don't worry baby, I’ll see you soon."

My heart breaks when I think about how fast our last moments were, how we were so casual and naive.

With paradise just in reach, we had been waiting forever already. Finally, we were ready.

Long-distance was our curse, our foundation was a pipe dream, 3 years I had been waiting patiently.

We used to just barely make it through the week, now forced to endure months, a school term was one too many, imagine three, four? Here we were at 9 months apart, and even though we had managed okay, our timezones were the worst.

I wish I could have accepted our woes, to simply call this an unfortunate circumstance, to not let my emotions overflow. I wish romanticizing our struggles could have kept me hoping and helped me cope, but it’s hard to stay afloat while wearing concrete shoes and to me,

this felt like a concrete suit.

Your smile that brightened my every day was a constant reminder that we were so close, we almost had it, and it hurt to see others who did.

At 9 months, I was numb, hollowed out, and I felt guilty for sinking further into my self-pity.

My illness was real yet there was no remedy, to leave or to love carried differing extremities.

The hardest part of all of this was that once again we were separated on our anniversary. We never had that luxury.

I wish this had been a day of blissful reminiscing.

I wish this had been a day that made me happy.

Out of anything that I could have wished for, what would have made these other wishes obsolete.

With every eyelash, 11:11, and dandelion seed,

I wish you had made it home to me.

For when the day came the last I'd see your face. Under blurred vision I reluctantly gave, I wish I wasn't but I'm grateful babe,

because letting you go

made the pain go away.

I love you, happy anniversary.