An Agnostic’s Prayer

Lord I am drowning

The water is sloshing

Over my head and through my brain

I try to swim

I try to break the surface

But the waves keep pressing me down,

I am tossed and tumbled

And I cannot tell which way is up

So I swim deeper.

The light was only ever dim but now it is gone—

How am I to believe?

God, you are only a glimmer in the cold, red distance

And how is the red so wet and how is the red so cold?

I taste this water and it burns my tongue

My lungs ache for air

I swish red water through my teeth

Salt….

But not as sharp as the ocean should be

Oh God— what is this terrible sea, in which I drown?

I swallow to make space for some air…

But why the taste of copper?

I can drink no more of these atrocities!

But they flow down my throat, regardless

The storm scrambles my brain, and

There used to be good in my soul but now it is all washed out

Hope feels foolish,

Hope feels blind

I taste this loss like a deep cut on my tongue

But it is not my own blood that seeps through the cracks between my teeth

I know I need help

But I cannot ask

I dare not

For who am I too complain of drowning

In a sea of pain that is not my own?

Who am I to ask for help,

When the people who filled this ocean are still bleeding?

No,

If I should drown at the sight of their suffering I must not be spared

If I should despair at the sight of their agony I must not be saved

For I am merely a witness.

I have not bled

I taste their blood, coagulating in my mouth

But I have not bled

I feel their blood, congealing in my lungs

But I have not bled

God almighty! do not let me ask for help

—Do not grant me relief—

From the pain of others

For my pain is nothing beside theirs.

God Almighty, let me not be sheltered from the sight of these horrors!

*

God, I do not want the serenity to accept the things I cannot change

Because serenity here would be apathy

Instead grant me the courage to continue to care, even when my soul is ragged and torn

Let me not go numb

In the face of this live-streamed genocide

***

Authors note:

I’m mostly agnostic, but watching the people of Gaza endure so many crimes against their humanity is challenging the last little impulse of faith I could feel.

I’ve seen so many videos that I’m becoming numb: numb to images and sounds of orphaned and injured kids crying in pain and fear. I’ve seen testimony from rescue workers that Israeli snipers are targeting children…

The human toll is hellish.

And the international community cannot put an end to this?

Crushing.