How I Know I Can Be a Mother

I have always struggled with the idea of being a mother. The idea of being responsible for the life of another being. Making sure they’re fed. Bathed. Clothed. Getting enough sleep. Entertained. Happy. I feel like I’m barely capable of managing those basic needs for myself.

Sometimes I can see myself being a mother. Pregnancy. Maternity leave. Part time work. But I also see the other side. Sacrificing my spare time and energy. My body. My mind. Maybe I am selfish in that way, or maybe I am just being realistic. I guess it could be argued both ways.

Many people say that the sacrifice is worth it. That there is so much fulfilment and love that you feel when you have a child. I once struggled to believe these people. It's easy to hear those things, but it's hard to believe it when you haven't experienced it.

But I finally got a taste of it in the middle of last year when my partner and I brought home Alby, our beautiful little Hungarian Vizsla puppy. And he has given me hope that those people are right. That I will love being a mother.

I'm allergic to dogs. So when we decided to get a vizsla, it was for three reasons. They love to cuddle and be around their owners, they're energetic but know when to relax, and they have short fur. I was of the belief that a short-haired dog would be better for my allergies. How wrong that turned out to be.

From the very first day that we picked him up and I put him on my lap for the long drive home, my arms and thighs have been constantly irritated. Everywhere that his short hair digs into my skin instantly becomes itchy and springs tiny red welts.

But even though the itchiness is enough to drive me mad, I ignore it. When I gaze at my little man who is so content to be in my arms having a cuddle, I know that I will always sacrifice my comfort for him, in every aspect. Patches of red itchy dots will never stop me from having morning cuddles with him in bed. Something that both Alby and I can't go without.

The moment that I knew I would love to have children is when we took Alby to the beach for the first time. He is obsessed with splashing in water, so at the beach he's in his element. It was his first real adventure, because it was the first weekend he was fully vaccinated.

Seeing him filled with so much joy and wonder while splashing in the salty waves, meeting new dogs and digging in the sand opened something in my chest. I felt such happiness through his happiness that I realised what parents were finally talking about. It was fulfilment in raising a happy and healthy little boy. It was pride in seeing him being so well-behaved and polite when playing with other dogs. It was satisfaction in knowing that although he was off leash and there were hundreds of dogs and people at the beach, I was the one he always chose.

And when he would run up to me, his snout covered in sand and his whole body wagging hard, I couldn't help but burst with love. Just like I know I'll burst with love for my children.

Because of him, I know I can feed another living thing three times a day. Because of him, I know that I’ll find joy in finding ways to entertain and excite them. Because of him, I know I will find delight in my children everyday that I see them. Because of him, I know that I will love my children even when they are their naughtiest.

He will forever be my first child.