Every Creature Has a Backstory

The room of my apartment felt dark and the walls seemed as though they were caving in on me. Reflecting back on this chapter of my life, everything seemed as though I was seeing life through a black and white filter. The depression I found myself in, muted the colors and noises around me. I barely had enough energy to do the bare minimum-- often just enough to save me from getting fired from work. For an overachiever like myself, coasting hit my pride hard. I would muster up just enough strength to get out of bed only to find myself in the shower, crumpled into a ball, my chest throbbing with excruciating pain. I sat there sobbing and grabbing my chest until the shower turned ice cold. Maybe the worst part of it all was finally getting to work and acting like everything was fine. Gosh, it would take a lot of energy to perform and put on a show for everyone.

The most gut-wrenching feeling I ever experienced was when I discovered I did not love myself. My shoulders slumped towards the ground, my chest hung heavy with pain as I stared at the reflection in the mirror. Tears puddled in my eyes, at this moment I felt disconnected from my reflection. There wasn’t one thing that I admired about myself. How did I get this far in life without ever recognizing that I didn’t love myself? When did I start to find my value and identity in my accomplishments? When did I start accepting toxic people into my life? How did I care so much about others that It literally broke me, only to come to the conclusion that I loved them more then I loved myself? How did I ignore all the red flags that I saw in my friendships and relationships? What made me stop and take inventory of every action, thought, feeling, emotion, and memory of mine was the moment I put myself first. I finally put an end to a toxic and abusive romantic relationship and I finally showed myself a glimmer of self-love.

It was bittersweet, to envision the woman I wanted to be, and not yet see her reflected in me or the mirror. It hurts to let go of friends that no longer reciprocate the same friendship that I gave to them. It was ugly reflecting back on my past and trying to make sense of it all. It’s a lonely process pursuing dreams and working on personal development. I knew that this next chapter that I was stepping into was going to be an adventure of even bigger roller coasters. And in this moment, I found the second glimmer of self-love I showed myself, by seeking help for my depression and anxiety.

As I was working through my past I kept craving the calming presence of a cat. Fortunately, as a youth I grew up around cats and knew about the therapeutic benefits of pets; but, a piece of me was scared to get attached to animals again. I actually went to seek out a mental health professional and a medical doctor to discuss my experiences, my health and to make sure making a commitment to a cat would be the right decision for myself.

I know you are probably thinking “What the hell? Just get the damn cat”, But you see every living creature has a backstory, some may even need a second chance at life. You see, it was not the heartbreak that was making this journey so difficult, it was reflecting back to my childhood and yonder adult years that triggered me. The most recent heartbreak was just the moment that made me stop and realize that there is something majorly wrong. This wasn't the first heartbreak that I had experienced but rather it was a pattern I discovered.

As a child, I didn’t have control over my environment or the people around me. My heart was frequently broken by so many adults in my life. Family members who struggled with substance abuse problems, to family who would lie and steal from me just to get their next high. I became accustomed to understanding what causes people to harm me and to recognize those patterns. They have a problem and hurt people hurt people. Emotionally, I got used to quickly forgiving people because, frankly, I lived with them. It was easier to forgive and not acknowledge my pain and hurt and risk even more disappointment. I got used to the yelling, screaming, cops, and child protective services visiting. I became accustomed to the disarray of my environment-- the house I lived in would slowly get smaller and smaller as I saw the gradual accumulation of furniture, boxes, and clutter that eventually piled so high it reached the ceiling. The clutter crept into each room, invading every space it could. The walkways would become narrower and narrower throughout our house because of all the unfinished projects and hoarding. Eventually, it became difficult to maintain the property or live healthily in this environment.

I remember crying a lot as a child, I didn't feel emotionally safe around a lot of people especially adults so I would talk to our family cats. See, cats just listen, I never felt judged for being my complete self. I could feel safe being vulnerable. I never had to filter my feelings and thoughts so that they wouldn't weaponize my words against me for their own convenience. Our family cats provided me with enough emotional support that got me out of this house. My cats were my first true friends; they helped me cope in my childhood environment.

As I got older, I kept searching for opportunities that would help my family and me. Although I struggled in school, because of stress, lack of good sleep, undiagnosed learning disorders, and undiagnosed mental health problems, poor nutrition, etc. I maintained good grades. I became a women’s wrestler in high school and landed a scholarship to attend a university in southern Illinois. I left my home in West Covina, California to pursue a bachelor’s degree and to compete as a collegiate women’s wrestler. I was able to secure competitions that allowed me to travel around Europe. I graduated in 2017. Right after graduating, I was hired at a nonprofit child welfare agency, and I rented my first apartment by myself. I grew so much since my childhood yet I found myself staring in the mirror, disconnected. How could I have accomplished so much and still be haunted by my past?

I didn't know the answers to many of my questions, but I did know that I wanted a cat to help me cope as I unpacked the past. I knew that unpacking the past would lead to answers, self-awareness, improve my quality of life and help me move forward in a healthier way. I desired to become the woman I journaled about. I was scared to adopt a cat because I hadn't been around a cat since I left my childhood home in 2012, which at that time was over 5 years ago. I love cats but when I was considering adopting, it triggered flashbacks and memories of my childhood. Flashbacks and memories zoomed and flashed so vividly before my eyes that I felt like I was living these experiences again.

All the emotions and feelings resurfaced like a wave consuming everything in sight, locking up my chest muscles, drowning me as I desperately tried to catch my breath. In these flashbacks, I was triggered back to my childhood bedroom where I uncontrollably cried the most and sought consolement from our family cats. All the memories of my childhood flooded my mind and I was fearful of becoming like the adults who hurt me as a child. I realized, though, that as a child, the presence of a cat helped me cope until I was able to land opportunities that got me out of my childhood environment. And now, I was in a place where I needed a cat to help me unpacked all my childhood trauma to gain insight.

After an exhausting week at work, I would treat myself to visit and play with the cats at the animal shelter. I visited the shelter several times, spending nearly half the day sitting with all the cats there. I felt silly sitting there criss-cross applesauce, petting the cats, being that I was 25 years old. I remember laughing in my head at the thought of myself in this moment while pushing back tears hoping that the shelter workers wouldn’t see me get emotional with these cats! I felt that peace that I would catch as a child when I was comforted by our family cats. Somehow these mystical creatures were always a reminder to me that everything was going to be okay and that I would make my dreams come true.

I kept coming back to hang out with the cats because I wanted to make sure that whichever cat I adopted would be a good fit for not just me, but for them.

One weekend, I finally found this completely black, athletic-looking, young cat. He was anxiously pacing in his cage, rubbing himself against the bars, meowing loudly to get my attention. I let him out of the cage and he immediately reached up, placing his two front paws against my chest, urging me to pick him up. He reminded me of a child reaching up to a trusted adult wanting safety, comfort, and love. Something that I desperately wanted as a child. I immediately knew my search was over. He needed me and I needed him. He came home with me that day.

I didn't know much about him other than he was a one-year-old adult cat and was returned to the animal shelter by the same people who adopted him as a kitten. I didn't know his full backstory but I knew that we both had a story yet we never judged each other. It was such a breath of fresh air because of the contrast between this cat, my past “lovers”, “friends” and sometimes even family members that it brought me to cry tears of joy and grief. I was finally allowing myself to feel the pain that I suppressed deep inside me. I finally acknowledged my experiences and gave myself the space to grieve my pain.

Don't get me wrong just like any other relationship, this cat and I certainly bumped heads as we adjusted to each other.

I don’t remember ever having a cat with so much personality! He earned the name Theodore (aka Theo), a Greek name that means “gift of god”. It is a very fitting name considering how he helped lift my spirits. On the other hand, he has me laughing while simultaneously feeling aggravated because he sure acts like he is a "gift of god" with his stubborn, bratty, could do no harm attitude and pride! While he is a loving cat, it is only on his terms and conditions! Which is fine... I guess we all need our healthy boundaries, he was definitely setting his boundaries with me, as I was learning to set healthy boundaries with people. He has a very strong personality and is a very strong-willed, adventurous, playful, independent, mischievous, and the most loving baby I ever met! He makes me laugh because he walks around like he is the biggest and toughest cat around. He reminds me of a stealthy mini black panther always ready to pounce on unsuspecting victims and assert his dominance.

When I first adopted him I had to be patient with him because he was very stressed, moody, and aggressive at times; feelings that I personally knew all too well and could relate to. I didn't know how to respond and support him. I was still learning about him, his dislikes, and preferences, just as he was learning mine. I reminded myself that he has a backstory and trauma just like me. We both have to work through our past, learn to respect each other's boundaries, and learn new behaviors in order to improve our quality of life. Three years later I am so happy I made this life-long commitment to this shelter cat, my handsome black jaguar, Theo boy!

In retrospect, The growth that I have seen from both of us is astonishing. We learned how to be a better support to each other. Theo’s personality grew to be bolder than ever before while becoming less stressed, moody, and aggressive. He gets along with my current boyfriend and the other animals in the household. He always greets me like the first day I met him at the shelter, reaching up for a hug and cuddles. His colorful attitude, demeanor, and goofy outburst always makes me laugh. And, above all else, Theo is one of my biggest fans. He adds so much value to my life as I have for him as well. He taught me that relationships should add joy, peace, and love. He reminds me of this truth by putting daily smiles on my face as we take on this adventure together.

For me it’s been a slow process, I finally became the woman who I envisioned and journaled about. I became the unapologetic woman who doesn't shrink herself for the comfort of others. I learned to embrace my strengths and weaknesses. I grew to love and admire myself in the ways that I love and admire others. Finding stability in setting healthy boundaries is liberating. I am the woman who is reclaiming her joy and peace. Fostering my creativity has opened up new doors. Knowing and affirming that I am intelligent and worthy is empowering. I am not concerned with the outcomes anymore because my value is not defined by my achievements in life. I became the woman who fills her cup up first so that she can sustainably and simultaneously love herself and others. Best of all I became a better cat mom!

Now when I see my reflection in the mirror, I lift myself up with my smile, my shoulders are broad and strong holding my chest up high. I almost don't recognize the woman I started this journey with. In love, she has fallen. Confident in her intuition. Aggressively protecting her well-being.

I am Ali Marie Hoshide. These changes, self-awareness, self-love, and lessons have led to an improvement in my quality of life. The processes that led to such growth was made more efficient and effective because of the emotional support Theo provided me. Seeing myself renewed and fulfilled is a reminder that I sure needed a second chance to break the toxic cycles in my life. Giving Theo a second chance made me realize how similar we are to shelter animals-- many of us feel alone, come with baggage and things we need to work through, but regardless of that, we are all deserving of a safe, supportive and loving environment. Now that I am the adult that I needed as a child, I find myself dreaming again. It has me envisioning who I need to be in this next chapter of my story-- What skills and behaviors do I need to learn in order to keep bringing my dreams to fruition. I do not have all the answers yet. But, one thing I know for certain, Theo is coming with me!