You're Damaged...

NP: Concentrate by Lucky Daye, Karma by Lucky Daye, Everybody Touch It by J*DaVeY, Private Parts by J*DaVeY, No More by J*DaVeY, Might As Well by J*DaVeY, Enterception by J*DaVeY

Time: Originally started at 3:30A got deleted, started again at 5:07A also got deleted, 6:30A third time's a charm

I am not hard to love, but I am tough on love. Tough on knowing my worth and protecting it. It is in my lonesome where it seems to be I am at my lowest where I have to set aside consideration for the times in my life where my partner(s) truly and genuinely loved me. Hell, even the toxic ones; those in particular have unhealed trauma to sort through and have to learn better expressions of love.

Some things to consider about me before I press forward:

• The poly life chose me, I didn't choose the poly life
• I grew up on survival
• 3 traits one would describe me as are: headstrong, assertive, and creative
• I am extremely vocal about my concerns

I consider myself to be a spiritualist and a direct reflection of God and all God encompasses. With this comes my capacity to constantly self-reflect and love unconditionally, both self and others. How this looks will vary from person to person, especially in regards to myself, which is of utmost importance. I find in my relationships, anywhere on the spectrum from casual to commitment, my partners almost never have an issue with who and how I am and what goes on in the relationship. They have little to 0 complaints (11 years into dating, I'm concluding I am excellent at relationships, so excellent, I could handle 3-4 partners at once).

I am not hard to love, in fact I am quite easy to love. However, the difficulty comes in when they have unaddressed insecurities as well as haven't tempered or begun to identify their own triggers and start projecting these things onto not only the relationship but me. This is the point where difficulty, deniability, defensiveness, and confusion settles in. Confusion specifically because at one moment it is complete bliss for them, the next moment is me communicating what I plainly know to be their unrealized projections and insecurities, and their subsequent behaviors. I am entirely intolerant of projections because this shows up in my life as the other party lacking accountability and a complete demonization and assassination of my character.

-Basically, folk be having me f*cked up and I really am too self aware to tolerate any of that. I know what exactly what energy is mine and isn't mine.

Why did he say you're damaged?

The last guy I recently (relative, but I met him 2018, tried dating in 2019) dealt with said this to me because he recognizes the damages within himself despite his multi-millionaire status and successes, and would feel better tearing me down by accentuating my own flaws. I grew up on survival, of course I have healing to do and behaviors to correct and this is no one's responsibility but my own, as my childhood experiences having literally nothing to do with my intimate partners. More often than not, contrary to the polyamorous belief, I spend most of my time alone so I can directly address and heal the trauma from my childhood into young adulthood. Even within committment, I would express to my partner that I am not my best self and my need for the their support while I take some time to get back to my better self. Projections are hurtful to the opposing party and I try my best to not ever inflict my pain and traumas onto people. They are heavy experiences, and I don't think anyone can handle the energies of these experiences appropriately (which is why self-love and healing is pivotal), unless of course they are a mental health medical professional and/or behaviorial specialist.

He called me damaged because it was the easiest thing to say to make sense of the toxicity that brewed out of our coming together. The very things he seemed to love me for he also despised/hated me for it. This level of contradiction was illogical and instead of addressing the broken parts of himself that has him in love with contradiction, it was easier for him to release that type of pressure and make me out to be broken, erroneous and ill-willed.

Remember earlier I mentioned I am polyamorous? While I had this man telling me I am damaged, as well as some other verbally abusive things, I had another beautiful soul telling me the complete opposite about my character, that I am a "delicate flower". Emotions aside (because the latter was poetic, very sweet, and warmed my cold heart), it was interesting to me the dichotomy of perspectives on my character because the former was projecting his experiences while trying to date me, while the other was simply living out shared experiences with me while actually dating, though he said this to me while we were broken up (another story post I will explain in detail later).

I know I'm not damaged goods.

Extremely self-aware, extremely self-analytical, forever releasing judgements. I can tell any living body exactly what my strengths, weaknesses, highlights, and flaws are at this moment and time, and will conclude saying "moving forward I'm sure I will discover more." So, yes, I know I am not damaged goods. I have done a lot of self-work and healing to undo feelings of brokenness, pain, and damage. I devote my life to be a testimony to others that you can overcome ALL trials and tribulations in life, no matter how dark. The power and choice is forever in your own hands.