You Don’t Want What You Want — You Want What They Want

If you’ve ever felt completely content with your life—until you opened Instagram—this story is for you.

This experience had a name, though I didn’t know it at the time.

The Hidden Influence: “Mimetic desire.”

A concept introduced by French philosopher René Girard, mimetic desire is the idea that we don’t desire things spontaneously or independently — we desire what others desire. We model our wants after the people we admire (or envy), subconsciously believing that if we had what they had, we’d be who they are.

We think we’re making independent choices. But in reality, we’re often chasing after what someone else has already chosen.

You weren’t craving that specific perfume, that iPhone , that car, that apartment, aesthetic... until you saw someone else wanting it, having it, loving it.

And the scariest part? It’s everywhere.

Think about it:

• You didn’t care about upgrading your phone until your coworker showed you theirs.
• You were content with your job until your college friend posted about her promotion.
• You didn’t think your home was small until someone else gave a house tour.
• You were fine with your car—until your colleague bought a flashier one.

It’s not desire, It’s mimicry.

The Material Trap

Let’s get real: our feeds are flooded with people showing off what they own — clothes, tech, aesthetics, lifestyles. And when you see them loving what they have, your brain quietly whispers:

"If they value it, it must be worth wanting."

This is where the trap begins.

You chase after that item, lifestyle, or look, not because it fits your needs — but because it’s socially validated.

Mimetic desire turns your brain into a scoreboard — where someone else’s win feels like your loss. Their joy becomes your jealousy. You’re always comparing:

• Their home vs. your room

• Their vacation vs. your routine

• Their body vs. your mirror

• Their relationship vs. your singleness

And here’s the worst part:

Most of what you’re comparing to isn’t even real — it’s filtered, cropped, performed. But your brain still takes it seriously. When you compare your real life to someone else’s highlight reel, you’re always going to feel behind.

But mimetic desire is a slippery slope.

Once you reach one goal, there’s always another just out of reach.

A better phone. A cooler vacation. A bigger home.

You're always comparing, always chasing — and never truly arriving.

Why It Happens

We humans are social creatures. We learn by copying — walking, talking, even dreaming. So, when we see someone wanting something, our brain takes it as a signal:

"Hey, that must be valuable! Maybe I should want it too."

It’s not always bad — it can push us to grow, improve, or try new things.

But it becomes toxic when:

• We’re constantly comparing.
• We lose touch with what we really want
• We’re chasing things just for validation
• Constantly Feeling that whatever we have is “not good enough”

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So... How Do You Escape It?

Escaping mimetic desire doesn’t mean giving up ambition — it means waking up, Becoming aware and realizing what you really want.

1. Notice Your Triggers

Pay attention to when a new desire pops up. Where did it come from? Did you see it online? Did someone talk about it? Was it even on your radar before that?

2. Ask: “Would I Still Want This If No One Knew I Had It?”

This question is a game-changer. If your answer is no, chances are—it’s mimetic.

3. Define Your Own Markers of Success

Not what your peers are doing. Not what the algorithm is pushing. You. What does a meaningful life actually look like for you?

4. Unfollow the Noise

You don’t have to cut off social media, but curating your feed changes everything. Follow creators who inspire you, not ones who trigger envy.

5. Return to Gratitude

Seriously. Not as a cliché — but as a daily discipline. Gratitude reminds you of what’s already enough

So next time you feel that tug to chase something, pause and ask:

Do I want this? Or do I just want to want it—because someone else does?

That pause might just save you years of pointless chasing.

Have you ever noticed this in your own life? What have you chased, only to realize it wasn't truly you needed? Share your experiences.