Why is it so hard to say no

Do you have a hard time saying No to people? Do you agree to things and then find yourself resenting the fact that you did? If so...let me just say you are not alone. Is this a good habit though? Saying yes to things or agreeing to things when you really want to say no? You already know the answer – it is not healthy at all, but still we do it all the time. We place the satisfaction of others in front of our own. I don’t know how many sleepless nights I have been through where I keep arguing with myself over the fact that I have a hard time saying no to people, just to keep the peace or as to not start arguments. I have come to the conclusion that it is time to stop; sometimes we just have to put ourselves first.

So why is it so hard to say no?

There are some main reasons and most of them stem from the fact that most of us have been raised with the idea that refusing to do something is considered selfish and accepting to help others is an act of kindness and generosity.

There is also the fear of rejection. We want so badly to be liked by others so we tend to seek their approval – by being agreeable and unselfish.

Fear of confrontation is another big reason we tend to say yes when we would rather just say no. By saying yes we try to avoid unnecessary conflict. We don’t want the relationship with the other person to suffer as a result of a negative answer.

Guilt plays a large part in how we act towards others as well. By saying no to someone we often get worried afterwards. Feeling guilt over standing up for oneself is too common since it is often considered being selfish.

It’s not about saying no all the time, but we shouldn’t do things that aren’t worth it; it hurts us, literally, How can we deal with these situations?

You have to change your thinking, putting yourself and your well being first. Let’s face it, if you don’t feel good emotionally chances are it will negatively affect both your relationship others as well as hurt yourself. It can very easily become a vicious circle where you feel bad about standing up for yourself so you try to be accommodating towards others – saying yes to things when you would rather say no – and the problem compounds.

We need to start treating ourselves with integrity and self worth. Put yourself, your projects, commitments and personal interests first. If someone asks you to do something that either interferes or goes against what you deep inside know and feel – just say no. Value your time. Saying no to some things allows you to say yes to other things that are more interesting for you. If you show people you value your work, time and priorities, you will be respected for that.

If a relationship with a person is impaired after a refusal, it wasn’t a sincere relationship to begin with. Don’t let people blackmail you. You can be generous, but you should prevent abuse. If what you’ve asked for is abusive or goes against what you feel is good for you...say no.

When you are saying no to someone, be polite but firm. Show that you respect their feelings and opinions. Establishing the limits from the beginning and expressing what you don’t like, will help you earn their understanding. Don’t make excuses or the situation will be repeated over and over again. You don’t even have to explain anything. You are the owner of your time.

Before accepting something, think of its implications. How long it will take? How will it affect your work, family or personal life? What other projects are going to be sacrificed? In short, you must learn to be assertive, to value yourself, to defend your rights and to seek relationships with good foundations where there is give and take.

Learning to say no is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself. By valuing yourself you will teach others to value you as well.

The best way of learning to say no is to do it. It will become easier over time.