Why I Wanted To Withdraw From The College Course Of My Dreams

I entered into the college course of my dreams, a dream I had since three years prior. To pursue being a full-time musician. Specifically, to be a full-time pianist. It was all I dreamt of studying during those three years. I figured that since I've always looked forward to piano lessons, studying it full time wouldn't be a problem. I'll enjoy pursuing what I love while earning a degree in the process. Even though I still have no clue what I want to do for my full-time career, I am happy working in the music industry.

But now that I'm studying it, I've never expected myself to harbour thoughts of wanting to drop out. Not to mention that happening few weeks into the first semester.

What I did not realise was that I was suffering from imposter syndrome.

It was hard sitting in a room feeling like you're the worse musician there. Everyone else possessed the high levels of technical skill that I could only dream of. These students already knew the techniques that I came here to learn. They came striving to learn beyond that. It was constantly demoralizing from week to week to play catch up in school. It was nothing against the other students but for myself. I've always wanted to be as good as they are. Stories that sound like 'I'll probably never make it' and 'I'll be taking forever till I graduate' were what I believed.

For context, I started self-taught, aimlessly as a hobby on and off for a few years since 2013, before starting private lessons in 2017. I auditioned and started the degree programme in 2020.

Since my peers had a stronger foundation than I did, I had to work harder to strengthen that. There was a lot of additional work that I needed to do to catch up on top of the weekly demands of the course. It felt like I had to take over ten years like them to be at their level and qualify to sit at where I was sitting right there in class.

What if I'll never be as good as I expected to be by the time I graduate? What if 'improving at my own pace' means I'll only be half as good by the time I graduate or worse-- later? What I realised later to be the infamous imposter syndrome kicked in hard. I started to think I didn't deserve the spot in school. What was I thinking? Why did I think I could survive in here? Most importantly,

I was afraid everyone else would find out that I wasn't good enough and didn't deserve the spot in school. Like, what is she doing here?

I started working harder. I figured I was behind time. If others are already better than me and are working hard, what excuse do I have for not working harder? I started clocking practice hours. I eventually developed feelings of guilt as soon as I was away from work. Carrying the mindset that those hours could've been 'better use of my time to improve my craft' as I no longer wish to feel like an imposter in the room. It felt like a never-ending cycle of constant work. I became so mentally exhausted. I lost interest in every single thing I did. I hate that lifestyle. I still do.

The next thing I know, I was suffering from major burnout.

I hated going to school. I felt that what I was putting in was not giving me the output and what I thought of as 'progress' that I've always wanted. I even wanted to back out of taking the piano exam that I scheduled to take during my semester break. That exam meant a lot to me as it was the minimum entry requirement to teach privately and in a school. Also, I've been preparing for about a year by then.

But all I wanted was to quit everything I was doing. I just wanted to stay in my room all day binging Youtube, doing nothing else at all. But I had an upcoming exam. It was also dreadful to think that a month after the exam submission starts my second year in college. In the meantime, I was guilty of not starting preparation early, learning the materials before the second year started. It felt like I had no rest at all.

While I was binging Youtube, I've watched Ted Talks and other videos on imposter syndrome and read up a lot on the same topic as well. I've learned that imposter syndrome is more than feeling like you don't belong where you are. It's the overwhelming feeling that you're not good enough to belong there. And like the title suggests, feeling like you're a fraud who somehow managed to fool everyone else in the room. That they made a mistake hiring or admitting you. You're constantly living in fear, afraid of people finding you out. It potentially is severe enough to self-sabotage, regardless of your level of success. Some of the most successful people we see today suffer from that as well. I had no idea it was that common.

I related to most of the things mentioned in those content. I doubted the auditioner. I constantly wondered if my admittance was a mistake or merely a chance to fill in a slot for the programme.

I was grateful. Knowing this had a name. Knowing many successful people that I look up to felt the same at some point in their lives. It helped me feel better. Many strategies about using imposter syndrome as an advantage to work harder was a great idea, but I wanted something more. I want to combat it entirely. I want to graduate.

In the meantime, I forced myself to work for the exam while practising self-care. Doing things I previously deprived myself to prioritise work and just giving myself a chance to relax and the privilege to do nothing at all. I still had this feeling of immense emptiness and despair. I later sought help from a school counsellor when I was at my wits' end, not knowing how to solve my emotional turmoil.

We figured the imposter syndrome only kicks in when it comes to being a musician. It did not occur when I practised other hobbies. It was me being a late learner that held me back from performing well in school. It also triggered and worsened the imposter syndrome over time.

I was advised during therapy to do more of the things that I think I don't suck at, to remind my brain of the idea that I was capable of accomplishing things. To replace the lack of sense of achievement that the brain craves. The thought replacement exercise works best when the brain contains lower levels of cortisol(stress hormone). The brain responds and functions better. A reward system was in place as well. Once I complete this, I will treat myself to __. Convince the brain that you are not a fraud, and you've earned EVERYTHING you have so far. You worked hard for them. None of that was a lie.

These stories of 'not good enough' also serve as self-limiting beliefs that we have of ourselves, which leads to self-limiting behaviours. The ego gets in the way as well. Feeling like you can't do something and being conditioned to not doing it well due to fear increases the chance of failing. It might even potentially result in a performance that is below your actual ability too. I've read that for some people it has nothing to do with self-esteem. Though, it can vary from person to person. Recognising and working to change these ideas of self-limitation can still help improve feeling less of a fraud.

It's also important to remember that the outcome of your performance in what you do has nothing to do with your value as a person. It does not define you.

Recognise the inner voice and how it compares to reality. Feelings are not equivalent to facts. You think you suck. But if you did, why would you end up here? They didn't make a mistake. No one did.

Listening too much to the inner voice can cause self-sabotaging behaviours. Look, I almost left college because of this.

Focus more on the process than the outcome of the solution. This one we've heard a lot. I've learnt over time that this means building behaviours and habits that help lead you there. Want to be better at anything? Build the habit of practising. Instead of relying on willpower and 'obligation', building habits can be more effective. Of course, building that up requires a lot of determination too. I also developed a healthier lifestyle for the school term that incorporates doing other things that I enjoy and not focus on working 24/7. Work-Life balance. Am I right?

To summarise the process,

- Recognise and identify the trigger (what made you feel this way)

- Identify the source of the trigger (parents, past experience, or expectations)

- Work on replacing thoughts when the brain is less stressed (brain, you are capable, you are not a fraud. You're doing great, and you can always improve.)

- Focus on building a healthier process (habits, work routine, and do avoid burn out)

- Identify thoughts and behaviours to change (you're still learning, it takes time, different people has different strengths and weakness, acknowledge every small win and milestone, and also please, don't overwork yourself. You deserve rest. Please? Thank you :)

This article was originally published on Medium.