When Passion Falters

I’m in a mood, and I’m not sure if it’s a possible sugar crash from this morning’s decaf apple crisp oat macchiato, someone else’s shit mood rubbed onto me, or my period is coming - hope not because if my mood is any indication of her potential wrath, I’m fucked.

The view from down here forces me to take stock of my life, what is and isn’t working, otherwise I’m usually too busy living life to truly evaluate its substance.

I’ve been making spiritual gains and, as a result, make a pointed effort to pass my days doing things that make me happy. Why am I feeling disconnected from those things lately?

Find your happiness. The complexity of that little sentiment is not so glaring until the thing that once brought happiness just no longer hits the same.

I realize humans are not static creatures. We change physically, mentally, and emotionally throughout life, which affects our interests, passions, relationships, etc. Finding happiness can be a finicky business. When you’ve built your life around what once made you happy, ushering in change can be difficult.

Writing is the only thing I’ve wanted to do since I was a child. It is part of my identity. Who am I if not a writer? Doing anything other than writing as a passion doesn’t even make sense.

I’m not posting as frequently. I’ve been busy with other things and didn’t realize that I was just delaying sitting down and writing until I was point blank told. Maybe I just couldn’t admit it to myself.

I wrote in a recent post that I’m attempting to be more open to life. I’m saying yes to opportunities instead of no, which at this point are the ones that pop into my head. Rather than shove it to the side, I’m opening myself up to it. I don’t truly know exactly know how an idea will manifest, which is why it’s worth exploring. It could lead to a positive experience.

I’m feeling a change of direction in terms of writing might be necessary. I’ve always wanted to publish a novel, and I have been working on some fiction. Fiction writing is a longer process, and much of my writing time goes into posting spiritual content on this platform.

My freelance journalism days crossed my mind recently, and I almost shoved it to the side before remembering to be more open to the thoughts in my head. Long forgotten dreams, like being published in the New Yorker, came rushing back to me. The independence I found in going out into the world to interview and research a potential story was exciting. Bringing that story idea to life on my computer and then selling it to a publication was empowering.

It’s okay to acknowledge what was once fulfilling no longer is. Being open allows for options that were once not clear to become visible. When a phase in our life has reached its end, and we are resistant to letting it go, we might delay the next part of our life.

It’s an uncomfortable feeling. Life is in need of a change, and I had just gotten comfortable.

I had a thought come through in meditation: whatever the moment asks of me is all I need to be. I don’t have to be one way forever, be it politics, career, relationships, belief systems, diet, etc. Go with what feels right in the moment.

We hold onto our identities because if we don’t it could potentially lead to a crisis. The concept of identity helps us to know ourselves, but humans seem inclined towards compartmentalizing themselves into neatly labelled boxes and staying in them forever. Humans are meant to change, and we only stand to sacrifice happiness when we resist change.