What mask are you hiding behind?

What mask are you hiding behind?

We all wear masks. We all hide ourselves from the world in some way but the mask you wear and why you are wearing it can help unlock your inner pain and worth.

We hide because we are scared.

We hide because we fear we are unworthy.

We hide because we worry others won’t accept us if we show our true selves.

Hiding helps sometimes. It makes us feel safe and less vulnerable but it doesn’t really help.

I always wore the mask of the good girl. I did what my parents wanted most of the time. I say most of the time because there were a few occasions when I fought for what I wanted such as leaving school at 16 and going to uni at 22. But in general, I was the good girl who stayed at home and took care of my mother. I was the good girl who didn’t go out drinking or clubbing. I didn’t run around with the ‘wrong’ crowd. I didn’t even have any ‘real’ friends. I just did as I was told and stayed home. But I was miserable and I ate to deal with my emotions.

I didn’t love or accept myself back then. That’s why the mask was so easy to wear. I got to pretend. Just like you do. When we put on our mask, we get to be someone else. Someone funny or smart or good. I was the good girl doing what she was told. Maybe that’s your mask too. Or maybe your mask is different. Either way, it works the same.

Our masks are about hiding. I was hiding from the fear and belief that I just wasn’t good enough or worth knowing or loving. I acted like I didn’t care. I pretended I liked being single, that I had too many other things going on to worry about or commit to a relationship. I acted like I was happy to care for my mother and if she had been genuinely ill (which occasionally she was after surgery), then I would have been happy to care for her. But I wasn’t. I didn’t want to be part of the family. I wanted to live my own life but felt I couldn’t. I was expected to be a certain way. I hid what I really felt. I kept it to myself. Just like you do. I ate away my emotions. Just like you or maybe you drink or numb yourself with drugs, or self-harm. Doesn’t really matter at the end of the day. We’ve both still numbing the pain. Both still pushing down those emotions. Both still trying to avoid what we are feeling so we don’t go insane from not living or speaking our truth.

But here’s the thing about wearing the mask… it gets old and it gets tiring. It’s bloody hard to maintain without causing yourself more pain. It is really hard to constantly pretend to be someone or something you’re not.

I wore a mask so that I could pretend I was okay and so I wouldn’t get hurt. All I did was cause myself more pain. I think you’re familiar with that, right?

So why do we do this? Why do we wear a mask that only creates more pain in our lives? Because we are afraid to accept ourselves and our worth. We are afraid that who we are inside isn’t going to be enough. That others won’t love us and accept us. So we judge ourselves and we wear our masks instead.

But…

Oh Lordy… But!

We are judging ourselves based on someone else’s opinion of us.

We are judging ourselves based on who we think others want us to be.

We are judging ourselves based on what we believe about ourselves.

We are judging ourselves based on what society says we should be.

We are judging ourselves rather than accepting who we are.

The only person who needs to accept us, is us.

Of course we want ourselves to love us and accept us. But not everyone will and often, we are surrounded by those who either will never love and accept us or who can’t love and accept us. We base our whole lives on whether or not we are good enough for others and we miss out on having the life we want.

It took years for me to get to a good place. I now have two beautiful kids that I am so grateful for and I am grateful for their father as well. I don’t regret the way my life turned out because I know everything I went through brought me here, doing what I’m doing. But there are moments when I wonder how different life might have been when I was younger if I hadn’t lived behind a mask. If I hadn’t tried so hard to be the good girl. If I hadn’t let the opinions of others dictate my life. If I had accepted myself for who I was and what I was capable of rather than judging myself for not being good enough.

Like I said, I don’t regret anything and I am grateful for the life I have and what I’m working towards. But to get here, I had to drop the mask. I had to stop hiding and pretending. I had to start being myself.

And so do you.

You don’t need to hide away anymore.

You don’t need to be someone you’re not.

You don’t need that metaphorical mask anymore (I say metaphorical because some of us are still needing to wear physical ones when we leave the house!).

It’s okay to love and accept yourself.

It’s okay to believe in who you are.

It’s okay to trust yourself.

It’s okay not to judge yourself.

It’s okay to just be YOU.