What I have learned in times of finding myself

I am currently on the path of finding my own happiness. I have been for a while. It has not been easy- not in the slightest. There were times that I hated myself, times that I have questioned my purpose in the world, times that I had just wanted to give up.

What made this journey so hard was that I had felt like I was all alone. I did not feel like I had anyone to turn to, not my family, not my friends, no one. I went to a school that I felt like I did not belong. I had no one in my family that I could express my emotions to. And I had friends that I was not close enough to share my pain.

When you feel truly alone, there is this emptiness inside your heart that is indescribable. Nothing gives you joy anymore. The career path that you so desperately wanted to be turned into a nightmare. The foods you loved became nothing in your eyes. The music and TV shows that made you joyful became another task. And your daily routine turned into another day in hell as you wake up with lifeless eyes.

I have lived like that for six and a half years. But, last year, I decided that I did not want to live like that anymore. Like a lifeless zombie. Because I knew that it would only give me a more dreadful future. So I decided to turn into my heart and God for what to do next. And I was not prepared for it AT ALL. Who knew that the path to happiness still required gloomy days and mistakes. Who knew that I would have weird dreams and days that are a pain in the butt. Who knew that I would have to make mistakes and fail in order to get better.

To keep this not too long, I will summarize what I have done so far, what I have learned, and what I still want to do in this new journey. So far, I have chosen a new career path, given myself positive affirmations and praises, fixed my emotional eating habits (and still working on it), allowed myself to get more breaks, worked on not tieing my self worth to accomplishments, and allowed myself to express my emotions.

I have learned that although it feels like it, I am not truly alone. Even when I feel alone, I acknowledge it and express whatever emotion I am feeling. I also remind myself that I will not be alone forever. That in the future, I will meet like-minded individuals and have my own family to give and receive love from. I have also learned that it will not always be kisses and rainbows on the journey to happiness, and that is OKAY. You are allowed to feel whatever you are feeling. But you must also remember that tomorrow is a new day and allow yourself to get a break. Lastly, I have learned to not tie my worth to my accomplishments. That was (still is) a hard lesson for me to learn because I thought that people would love me and accept me more if I could make them proud or if I was the version that they wanted me to be. But, I learned that I was killing myself in the process. I was not myself; I was just a mold that people tossed and played with. So, I decided to put myself first because all I have is myself at the end of the day. No one will live my life or do the work for me, so I have to do what I want to do to achieve a good happy life.

Although I am proud of the milestones I have made so far, there are things that I still want to accomplish. Some examples are: being okay with the thought of being alone, finding new passions in life, develop a more healthy lifestyle, being able to stand up for myself, and not being scared of not meeting people's expectations.

As I have shared the most intimate parts of myself with you, I hope this gives you the courage to be the most truthful version of yourself. I hope that there will be fewer hopeless nights and more joyful days in your future.

Thank you