What do we really fear?

Although I am originally a psychologist, I don't understand either much about anxiety. Perhaps I can give a couple of useful advice for anxiety before the presentation, when there is big decision or a problem to face, but here I am talking about a deeper, void-like state of mind which I don't understand.

On a regular day, headphones to shuffle happy background music, life is okay. I feel like I am on track, I am where I should be. But then at night, when I take all the accessories off, sun gone and birds silent, I become anxious. No matter what the reality is, I just can't trust life. The grand thought of "everything is okay until it isn't". Not a pessimistic one, just the harsh reality to remind that things are secure until they aren't. At the end, my job is fixed contract, family is 4000 km away, there is no going back from being an adult and I don't know what will happen. That's the thing, I don't know what will happen and anything can happen.

Funny thing, I also know that things mostly turn out all right. Actually, even if every single thing that can go bad goes bad, we would still survive and be able to build something from scratch. We all lived the pandemic, I think you understand my point in here. We lost our jobs, loved ones, parts of our lives. The things we had solid trust in, they changed drastically. Yet one way or another, we survived. Everything wasn't okay and then things were somewhat okay again. Why is there so much anxiety?

I realised it's the uncertainty, that causes fear. Further, to face the uncertainty in an insecure place. Neither life nor we humans like stationary. Life could happen and everything can change. Everything could stay the same, but then we are really not the type to settle down for what we already have. Seeking for better is a never-ending story and even if we are happy with the status quo, we still want to build towards better. Find a better job, get promoted, maybe start a family, have a dog, buy the dream house, move to another country, have a happy retirement, anything. The trick here is, we want to have them "at some point", somewhere between not losing what we have right now and when we have what it takes to take the risk and make it happen. Every step in between has a lot of uncertainty and at that, anxiety proudly takes the scene. Under every scenario of trust, there is caution for protection. We trust only the amount that we can risk and life does not always play along. We don't know what is going to happen and we fear more when we don't feel emotionally safe.

Perhaps the first thing is to admit that life happens, mostly on its own terms. But then, we are the ones living it. We build our own safe spaces, design every part and choose freely. If you have something to trust in your life, someone perhaps, then you are very very lucky. It means you can have a baseline, something you can count on, build upon, return back to if you need. It means you can risk a little more and you don't need to face uncertainty at least without some support. The anxious thoughts may or may not have solid reasons behind, but either case having a safe space helps. When things turn out fine, you can enjoy together. When some of the anxiety-inducing thoughts come true, you are not alone and have somewhere to stay until the storm is over. Here what does not help is unsolicited anxiety, fear to lose our solid base despite all we have is unknown future.

But there is also the other side, that things can actually change. We can end up in somewhere which does not give much confidence. We may have real problems that we should worry about, we could be exaggerating, we can have people around but what I mean with confidence is that we are able to face whatever come next, and when we don't feel like that. Certainly what does not help is being angry or hopeless. What should we do when we lose our safe space? Or if we don't have one at all?

I'm afraid the only thing is to get back up and build something new. And hope that it stays with us for a long time. Because we are human and no matter how self sufficient we may get, we still need to feel safe. We need a sense of belonging to somewhere, someone, something. I realised that I've lost quite a few so far. I thought I was okay since I survived and things are fine now. Little did I know each has their place. But I'm working on it, somewhat I need to create a comfort zone despite all the people I love being far away and the -25 degree winters, 'cause I don't like anxiety stealing the precious happy soundtracks of my life.

Creating something new from scratch is hard because feeling safe enough to trust life is highly subjective. You can have everything, but not feel secure. You can have very little, but that can be all you need. It depends on what you fear, which side of the uncertainties you don't want to face alone, who is on the same path, going for the same direction as you and who is more than happy to tell you each time, that every little thing is going to be all right.