What Changes In A Year

When I look at where I was last year, I see loss. Not in the physical sense, but mentally? I didn't know where I was, where I was going, or what the future held. Since then, so many things have changed for the better- a strange feeling considering we are living through a pandemic.

But there were stages to this, stages to regaining the glow that I have always known I have. So what did it take?

Last year, on July 16th, 2019, I was sitting in my cubicle at my job, taking calls like every night. I had started working nights a little before because I didn't want to think about how I wasn't hanging out with the right crowd. I figured that if I worked nights, I would have an excuse to not hang out with anyone. I would hide myself away at work every night when everyone else had their free time. I would be untouchable then, instead of dealing with the fact that these people weren't good for me, and that I wasn't hanging out with the right people.

My skin was horrible. No matter what skincare routine I went through, I had bad acne all over my cheeks and chin. That wouldn't change, no matter how much scrubbing, masking, and washing I did. It was an almost physical representation of my unhappiness- the worst acne I have ever had in my entire life, at twenty-three years old. At my lowest.

It's sad to look back on the interaction that made me change my mindset. The fact that it took that. It completely changed my life for the better, and I haven't looked back.

So let us go back to that for a minute.

Friends are supposed to love and care for you. To help you through hard times, to make sure that you know that they are there for you. The interaction that made me change my way of thinking and my life went like this:

We were at our local mall one night, having dinner and taking shots. We were seeing a movie afterwards, so I wasn't too worried about getting tipsy. We even had an hour between when we paid our bill, to when we had to be in our seats in the theater. We walked through the mall, and I would walk into stores- my usual. I do it every time we go to the mall. But this time was different, because this person was looking for issues with me.

Nothing negative was said to me. We went to the movie, and we left. As we walked outside into the chilly summer night, this person told me I looked like a cheap whore. That the way I acted, the way I dressed, and the fact that I was actively on a dating site meant that I was asking for something bad to happen to me. I never questioned my self worth before- but in this moment, I was looking at my outfit. An almost knee length skirt, a long sleeve, off the shoulder top that covered everything, and a pair of platform sandals. My hair was up, and my makeup done, but nothing more than I usually did. For a moment I contemplated the fact that this person may be right- but then my brain snapped. They weren't right, I wasn't asking for it, and it was insane to think that they thought that saying these things to me was okay.

I stood up for myself for probably the first time in my life that night. They didn't understand why I was upset. They didn't understand it two days later, either. They actually doubled down on it. So I cut them out of my life, because I didn't need that.

A couple weeeks later I heard that they were telling all our old coworkers that I was running around in the middle of a bad part of the city, drunk out of my mind. We were at the mall. There were a lot of lies going around that night.

But what did it matter? I thought. In reality, what DID that matter? What good was keeping these awful things in my heart doing? It wasn't doing anything, it was hurting me. Tearing me apart, really.

And that's when I decided that I was done with that. I wasn't going to hodl these things in my heart anymore. I wasn't going to be upset about past situations. This was my first glow up of the past three hundred and sixty five days of my life.

The second came just a little after that. One night I was deep in my feelings, and I had a sit down talk with myself. Why did I let these things happen, why did I let these people in my life, and why was I always disappointed when it ended the way I always knew it would?

Self reflection- seriously critisizing myself, was my second glow up. From here, I understood. I understood my own faults, and why I didn't always get along with every personality, and I realized why these friendships didn't work out, and why I seemed to be attracted to them.

And then... I changed it.

I went on a work trip to Buffalo, NY last November. That was my reset period. I had quit the second, part time day job I was working during the day to keep me busy. I changed my schedule from nights to days. I invested in the right skincare for my skin. I started putting together playlists. I dropped all the hate and hurt that was harbored in my heart for so many situations, and I moved on.

I let someone into my life. A friend of a friend who would end up being my best friend and partner in crime. One of the best people I've ever met. I settled my core group of friends. I started dating a little bit, but not seriously. I didn't want to dull the high I was starting to feel when it came to life.

I started a skincare routine. I remember watching so many youtube videos about it. What products to use first, things to remember, etc. I didn't know any of it at first. But I did what I could. I started using a cleanser, a toner, and a moisturizer. Then I started adding some things in. A facial oil? Okay. I could do that.

Gradually, my face started clearing up, and so did my life. I became genuinely happy. I loved life.

That was another glow up.

But this came with new problems. I was dependant on others to be happy. I felt like if I had free time, I wasn't being productive, and if I wasn't with a friend, nothing mattered. I was constantly at a friend's house when I wasn't at work. I dependeed on having plans to keep happy.

And then the pandemic hit.

I had nothing else to do but to sit in my house. I worked from home, I didn't leavee. I had my housemate who still works in an office.

I had no one but myself- just my brain.

And that's when the last glow up happened.

It was rough, because it involved me actually having to like myself. I meditated, I did my skincare routine. I journaled. I did everything I could to futher my career. And... it worked eventually.

You see, glowing, it isn't about just a routine, it isn't about some kind of... science. It's about loving yourself and accepting yourself.

When you're left in a room all alone and don't have anyone, who is going to care for you? No one... but yourself. And you can do it.

That's when I really learned what it meant to glow, and to shine. And now I do almost every day.