We Accept the Life We Think We Deserve

I am a 20-year-old female, going throughout life with the intention of bringing my dreams and goals to life, despite my health challenges or any other obstacles. I've had Chronic Lyme Disease, Fibromyalgia, & Syringomyelia since I was 10 and was diagnosed with Narcolepsy with Cataplexy when I was 17.

I have been a professional recording artist/songwriter since I was 16 and am currently pursuing motivational speaking and my own clothing brand in addition to being in the entertainment industry.

I have recently drastically relapsed in my health and am working on what I can while I'm doing my best to recover.

Throughout my life, I have had times of complete lack of vision and hope, times of great strength and motivation, and also times of utter relapse and confusion.

Being misunderstood or not understood at all because I “look healthy” or am a (most of the time) happy and positive person.

Here I am with aches and pains worse than ever…

The need to see specialists is greater than ever. The need for medication, weight loss, therapies, and other aids to improve or eliminate as many of these symptoms is stronger than ever. My quality of life is lacking in the most important area... My physical health.

So tell me, having said all that, how am I standing in agreement of a future that is full of true living? A future that would require so much of even a person healthier than myself.

Let's rewind to the beginning of the year...

I paused to take a listen to all the New Years resolutions being thrown into the air like confetti at a party. It was the beginning of 2018. Here we are, in another “New Year.” Here I am with aches and pains worse than the year before…

“New Year, New Me,” they say…

But what does that even mean? It’s quite the blanket statement.

What does it mean for me? I sometimes feel this heavy and loud roar that comes and goes from time to time, attempting to shake me into believing that pain is all there is. My pain is all there is.

“Maybe I can’t do this life thing” will play inside my mind. “Maybe I should just throw in the towel and not pursue life. It would be easier to just exist in life than to truly live life.” “A new year and I still feel like my body is still my greatest enemy” will creep into my thoughts… But then I hear a voice inside that is truly my own. The one who refuses to accept that this is all there is...

"New Year, New Me," they say...

"New Year, Same Body, New Me," I whisper to myself...

Let me explain this thought :

“NEW YEAR”:

Imagine your life as a series of books in a bookcase…

• Each shelf of books representing a year.
• Each book representing a month.
• Each chapter in each book represents the 24 hours that make up a day.

In a year you will have 12 books (months) with roughly 30 chapters (each day in the month) each...

And every year on January 1st we put the books of life from the year prior on the shelf and begin to write the next volume of “THE LIFE OF (fill in with your name).”

We must start with the first page. The first word. The first letter. Nothing more, nothing less. Just start.

Take life one chapter at a time. Each day. Each moment. Don’t rush or try to predict what will happen in the next chapter or the next book. (I will be writing a post about goals/dreams soon.)

There is so much life to live within each chapter of each book!

I look back on the last 6 months and see times of strength in moments of weakness. I look back onto 2016 and how far I have come from then… I look back on 2014 and see how much I have grown and persevered as a then 16-year-old girl. I remember 2011 when the only thing that woke me up in the morning was dreams and desires that were louder than my pain…. 2008 when my life got shaken to the point of what felt at the time, ‘of no return’ as a sick, 10-year-old little girl.

In reflection, I can say I’m impressed with the strength I’ve had over these years, even if I didn’t realize I had it in me at the time.

I’m thankful for the dark times because, in those times, I was able to truly appreciate even the smallest glimmer of light.

"Same Body"...

I am no stranger to the whispers of doubt.

I have, at times, had a very close relationship with depression, anxiety, and fear.

The truth is, pain hurts.

Physical, mental, and circumstantial pain comes in many different forms and needs to be addressed in different ways at times, but I believe that addressing pain and struggle is indeed the first step.

Identify it.

Be honest and transparent with yourself and others. That is where strength and bravery start. This is where they grow their roots.

The truth is… I am very sick of being sick and tired of being tired…

I crave to be seen, heard, understood, and accepted like everyone else.

But there is also solid truth in this statement:

There is no opportunity to be strong if you are not at first weak. There’s no outlet for bravery if you are not scared of something. Life is not easy for anyone and we cannot micromanage all the various details of life. We can, however, choose, every day, to live OUR lives to their fullest potential, whatever that may look like for each of us.

Each victory of any size is still a victory. No victory is too small.

"New Me"...

I believe in gleaning inspiration and transmuting courage from stories of strength and epic people who overcome. Learn from the strong and the brave. Watch them. Observe their imperfections and how they react and adapt to them. Then, apply similar tactics to your own world and begin to watch yourself grow, learn and fight.

Do what you can, however you can.

Run if you can’t fly, walk if you can’t run, crawl if you can’t walk. Sometimes life calls for us to be carried by the ones who love and care about us when we can’t even muster up the resolve or ability to crawl. Rest when needed. Don’t try to “find yourself.” Choose to create the person you want to be. Do an intentional work in yourself each day. That’s is the most powerful thing that you can do. You have so much power! Don’t let hardships get the best of you! They are hard but so much potential lies in every season of life!

A few quotes that I have found to ring true to my life are:

“Behind every chronic illness is just a person trying to find their way in the world. We want to find love and be loved and be happy just like you. We want to be successful and do something that matters. We’re just dealing with unwanted limitations in our hero’s journey.” – Glenn Schweitzer

“Hope doesn’t require a massive chain where heavy links of logic hold it together. A thin wire will do…just strong enough to get us through the night until the winds die down.” – Charles R. Swindoll

“I am my own muse. I am the subject I know best. The subject I want to better.” ― Frida Kahlo

“If you’re going through hell, keep going.” ― Winston Churchill

“There is an alchemy in sorrow. It can be transmuted into wisdom, which, if it does not bring joy, can yet bring happiness.” ― Pearl S. Buck

There ARE people who understand! There is nothing wrong with reaching out and seeking out these people who will understand you.

You are not alone unless you choose to be and seclusion is never the answer. You don’t have to feel like you’re doing this ‘life’ thing on your own…

"New Year, Same Body, New Me"- A Letter to My Life...

I say "Hello, LIFE! Here I am!"

My name is Kêta and I have the most outrageous goals for you…

Each day is the beginning of the rest of my life and I’m so excited to see what it looks like with each passing moment.

I know that there will be some rocks and weeds in the garden, but I have the tools to dig them up when needed.

I will root myself in who I truly am: STRONG. BRAVE. A FORCE TO BE RECKONED WITH. A FIGHTER.

I’m not my pain and even though I know it’s not easy and I might wanna give up sometimes, I also know that to climb up a great mountain, you must start in the valley. I’m walking up my mountain with an extra heavy backpack of burdens on my back. But I know I can take breaks and rest. Take in the view of all of my progress. Look down at where I started and how far I’ve come with a broad and brand new perspective, from a little higher up. I know that with each step, the view will get more beautiful. I am ready, willing and excited. I’m choosing who I will be (it is a choice).

There is a quote from Perks of Being a Wallflower that says, "We accept the love we think we deserve"...This rings true not only for relationships with others but also how we love ourselves... I would also say that "We accept the life we think we deserve" based off of circumstances. Let us practice a growth mindset and toss away fixed thinking once and for all!