War in My Head

This is my first creator's story. This picture is proof that people who put a smile on their face throughout many moments of their day can still be a true mess on the inside. If you haven’t figured already, that’s me in the picture above. I figured I would start my first creator's story introducing myself and giving you a little info on what I have been struggling with on a daily basis.

Now, don’t let the first couple sentences scare you into thinking I’m a walking depression, because the girl in the picture above loves plants, the way I feel after a workout, camping with my dog, fashion, creating, growing, moving, being... but I have a hard time enjoying it all when I can’t get out of my own way.

As of late, i just quit my job with nothing else lined up. This isn’t something I would normally do, but I was super unhappy and had eyes full of water every single shift I would walk into. By the end of these shifts, it would feel like a bus just ran you over. I meaaaaaan it was bad. I was being overworked, under appreciated, taken advantage of, and simply I was just working next to a lot of half ass, non listening, no work ethic havin’, lazy ass individuals. And in my line of work, when another coworker is slacking, you’re the one who is going to be picking up the pieces. And I was DONE. I didn’t like who I was while I was there. I was building up massive resentment toward my coworkers, which was causing bad energy in the workplace, and last but not least... I hated getting off at 3 AM. Yup, I’m a bartender. Oh yeah... and don’t forget... drinking 6, if not 7 days out of the week at times was slowly tearing me down mentally and physically. Horribly, that part is just all “a part of the culture.”

I have been walking this thin line of “I’m going to make moves and create to build the life everyone else won’t!!” to “I don’t know who I’m kidding, I literally have no talents to make anything happen.” I am fully aware that that last sentence I constantly tell myself is completely not true. But the power of the mind and the war in your head will convince you otherwise. Luckily, I’ve had a lot of self-reflecting towards this issue being that this war has been going on since I told myself I shouldn’t try out for the fast pitch team in 6th grade because I wouldn’t be able to figure out the rules. Ridiculous right? Talk about being in your OWN way. Like... Jaymi... you’re 12... they’re going to teach you the rules, kid. Chill.

My experience with this war has been nothing short of WASTEFUL. It’s stopping me from being great, and I know that. It causes tremendous insecurity and low self-esteem. The negative mindset I allow my brain to create on a daily basis then creates an overall depression. A constant energy of gloom and negativity. It’s nothing new to me... but I’m writing about this today because I feel multiple people out there are battling this same war.

The war that stops us from reaching our full human potential. This mindset is more than seasonal for me, but I’m done with the pattern. The same pattern that creates the same outcome for me... leaving me sad and unsuccessful. Yeah yeah, there will be some good seasons here and there that I might achieve something that’s a little higher than normal... but then one setback can make me forget any achievement I’ve made.

Look... after all the research, self help books, Ted talks, and the therapy I have done... I guess I’ve realized I have to practice. I have to constantly practice positivity, and nobody ever told me that growing up. I mean luckily for some people out there, they’re naturally positive (I envy you!!). They don’t even have to try... that’s home for them. Their brain doesn’t have the war some of ours do... or maybe they do?? It’s just a smaller battle.

I’ve learned to be self-aware about this war, but I’m still learning how not to feed in to the vicious devil on my shoulder that’s constantly telling me to walk the plank. I have to recognize it, practice how to pivot away from that energy into a positive direction and switch up when I need to. Again, still practicing! And it’s going to be an everyday battle, but I don’t want to live life like this... average... mediocre... unhappy... regretful. I want to start putting up a fight to this war and start making my way to my full human and spiritual potential. Then, hopefully, eventually, the everyday fight with this battle won’t be as hard.

If you resonate with my story, you obviously know you’re not alone and you owe it to yourself to give yourself “me” time everyday to slow yourself down and to practice positivity. When the mind starts to wander into that negative direction, say to yourself, “Is this useful?” and move on with a positive thought or just move on with whatever it was you were about to do in that moment, because we all have our full potential we are trying to reach. I hope anyone who is going through the same war overcomes this invisible battle of the brain.

-Jay