Voice On the Edge

New England, Wales, 1239 A.D.

Far along the coast near a nameless village in Wales, a boy three years of age treks up a seaside cliff. On bright sunny, Spring days like this one, he would normally be playing with his friend, Lyra. However despite the beautiful, bright conditions, his friend’s mother informed him she had gotten sick. Now the young boy, having run off from his mother’s sight, sought fun here.

Laying next to the drop off, he finds fascination with the far distant and corporeal ripples, seeming just alive as he. Though far too young to put into words why these waves made him view them as alive. Entertaining himself while picking at grass one verdant strand at a time. Wind falling on his shoulders and back in a light touch.

Set in these perfect conditions on a perfect day… Something not quite so ordinary reached out to him.

“Hrmmm…”

A deep gruff voice of an elder filled the boys' ears. Curiously, Terrance looked around. With no indication of another, he thought it was simply the wind, and went back to picking grass. No less than a few moments later, that same sound returned.

“Hrmmm…”

As all children believe, once could be a coincidence, but twice is cause for search. He pushed himself up and looked around, but there were no others, and no animals either. The ridge was clear. His overactive imagination told him now that something had to be there and would look high and low for it. Leading to a cavern tucked underneath. Which he found by leaning his chest over the edge in an ever so careful balance.

“Hello!”

Voice echoing into the dark and unseen space, a pair of serpentine, amthyst eyes peered outside the sound he heard before vocalized itself clearly.

“Hum? Why have you woken me?”

“Who are you? And why are you sleeping on a cliff?”

“Why am I…? Do you not know?”

Shaking his head, the one inside leaned its head in a different direction.

“Well, I suppose a child wouldn’t…”

“Your eyes are funny.”

“No, but I am hungry.”

“No food?”

“It is hard to find when no one wants you around.”

Terrance may have been a child, but he knew particularly well how being hungry is not a pleasant feeling. And so in a snap decision of intrinsic thought, Terrance told the one hiding in the cliff;

“I get you some.”

“Why? You aren’t certain what I need.”

“What do you eat then?”

“Meat… Lots of it.”

“I bring you food.”

“A… Chicken?”

The voice seemed doubtful, but humored his enthusiasm.

“Ha, ha, ha… So be it then. Bring me a chicken and in return… Perhaps one day I will give you something back.”

Striking a deal with the unknown entity hidden inside, he quickly ran off without thinking twice. Chasing a chicken.

“I brought you food!”

“I can tell. You have done me a kind deed little one. What is your name?”

“Terrance.”

“I will remember this Terrance. Go back to your home. And one day if the opportunity arises, then my debt to you will be repaid.”

Happy with his efforts, the young boy did just as the voice said, and ran back to his home. The voice did not return. And would remain silent. For twelve years.

New England, Wales, 1253

Having walked from his home, now smouldering from flames and ash drifting into wind. Even from here, he could feel the intensity of those flames. Attempting to scorch as much as they could of the one who escaped. Unsatisfied with the misfortune that it had already taken so many.

Terrance, now seventeen years old, who had just lost his home to an all too common attack by insidious bandits making their way along the coastline. Out of sight from any law or system of justice. Everyone else gone, he continued to lead himself up the seaside cliff. No words and hardly a breath despite below zero temperatures biting at his ripped, brown wool shirt and trousers patches of which had holes burned through them.

As his steps crumpled into a further lack of soft mounded grass. Slowly dying off from a seasonal switch. Wind smacking into Terrance’ bare skin, he didn’t mind how cold it was for only one thought took residence in his head. Aware it would be over soon anyway.

Sounds of waves crashing into shore filled both ears, and eyes set upon a ridge. One which rounded off to a flat of land, twenty meters wide. A short and soon to be pointless journey availed itself, with this young man standing at last standing at its edge. His eyes didn’t care to look far into the dark horizon of mile high clouds. Setting themselves like a wall to block any ship to sail in their direction.

Tiredly faced down and watching waves crash into rocks, as time and time again they wore down the cragged rocks at this cliff’s basin. In his mind, those rocks shared something in common with himself. Both of them had been battered and broken over and over. Soon to join the countless broken pieces drifting into their depths. Ultimately sinking, never to rise again.

Inching close to the drop, nobody would be around to see. No one would remember. Already forgotten in his own mind, trying to erase every memory of those he would never see again. Prepared to end the memory of a village which had remained on these shores for a hundred and fifty years.

With one foot hovering over the cliff, all it would take is a little lean forward and let natural forces bring about his fall.

“You believe this is worth taking your life?”

A voice in his own head, yet not his own had spoken. Thrown off balance startled, the wind instead pushed him away. Falling opposite to the side he intended. Left on his back, Terrance quickly shot a glance around. He’d thought no one was there to watch his end.

And no one was. The cliff side remained empty apart from his presence. Still he thought to make certain.

“H-Hello…?”

His voice didn’t carry far due to the wind’s rapid changes. Breaking apart the weak call into tiny fragments. A few seconds went by with no response and so Terrance calmed down. Believing that this would be all the more reason to get up and return to his goal.

“Huh… I’m losing my mind too.”

So Terrance led himself back to the edge, this time, double checking his surroundings before taking a plunge. When sure, he gazed back down to the rocks. Only this time something was different. One added thought. That of the one who he imagined. Creating a tinge of hesitation.

“What stupid question is that? I have no life.”

Breathing in, this time he chose to look up to the large thunder heads before his fall. Seeing their dark visage, all he could do is peer into an abyss. One created by the world he lived in. A constant struggle of never ending loss, pain, and troubles. As if sensing his intent, the voice returned before Terrance could even raise a foot this time.

“The fact you have a desire to still contemplate should be enough proof you live. Therefore it is your answer which is ‘stupid’ not mine.”

With the voice now mocking, him, Terrance jumped immediately from any disbelief or shock to anger. Turning around sure he would find someone there this time.

“You don’t have the slightest idea-!”

His shout stopped short when there still stood no others on the ridge. Adding to his frustration, he decided he would not leave this world until he gave the one looking down on him a scolding. Pacing along the edge checking every angle, kept throwing a rant of the life that had been snatched away so quickly and easily.

“How does anyone have a right to judge my decision when no one came to stop those barbarians from killing my family! My friends! Burning our homes! Stealing our food and what little we had! What purpose is there in one that can be destroyed in a second?!”

His shouting appeared to fall on deaf ears however as the voice refused to speak again. Shaking his head as sadness creeped back inside. The rage quelled and decided he didn’t care what the voice meant to imply with what he concluded to be as pointless as his life. Trudging back to the edge, Terrance sighed.

However this time, he could hardly look down at the cliff.

“Why not trying to consider what came before all that then. Hmm?”

This time, Terrance hardly had to consider what he wanted to say. Instantly snapping at the voice.

“How?! It’s not like it is coming back!”

And as quickly as he chose to respond, the voice gave an answer just as fast.

“Then try finding something new.”

“It isn’t so simple!”

“Isn’t it? When you lose your prized possession, do you not immediately seek a new one to give you just as much or greater joy?”

He was baffled at how insensitive the one behind this voice could be. In the midst of losing it all, this voice sounded like it did not care at all for life. Yet contradicted itself by making him question the choice to end his life.

“People can’t be replaced like a toy!”

“No, I suppose you are right, but that doesn’t mean you can’t try to recreate what you had with them through similar circumstance.”

The voice having validated his ideals, calmed Terrance, and he sat down cross legged at the edge continuing to contemplate with it.

“I don’t want anything to do with other people right now… Nor you.”

“You assume I am a man?”

There was a slight bit of humor to his tone which confused Terrance.

“The arrogance of humanity is truly what never ceases to amaze. So many assumptions I would never think possible in the span of such a short period of time.”

Unsettled by the idea he wasn’t conversing with a sentience that couldn’t be his own kind, began to feel an emotion he thought abandoned. Fear. Yet it also created another inkling of a reaction. Being a trait all people have, curiosity.

“If you aren’t a man then how do you believe it is your place to judge my values?”

“Regardless of what you are, or what I am, everything is born with understanding the fundamentals of life. The only difference is how we choose to perceive them based on our own perspective in our different forms. I still understand where you draw your conclusions, but as I see them, your struggle is brief in my eyes.”

“Then why talk at all? If this is nothing more than a moment to you? A pointless few ticks in your mind?”

“I simply didn’t want to see someone take their life over something which can still be resolved. Even if your life is short, it is still one that can share a meaningful glimpse at creation if pushed in the right direction.”

“Then sorry to disappoint, but I don’t see anything with meaning. Like you said… My life is short, and I have no reason to keep going on.”

“Maybe not yet… Maybe.”

“What do you mean, maybe? Unless there is a way to bring my village back, there is no maybe.”

“Again, you focus on what you lost instead of what you gained… I hate to give away answers, but you are so miserable I am beginning to pity you.”

“There is nothing you can give me which is new that I want.”

“Idiot. I have no intention to give you anything.”

“Then I still have nothing, and you’ve wasted both our time.”

Dusting off his stained trousers, Terrance drifted toward the edge again, with the voice remaining silent. Struggling to take the final step.

“Now I can’t even die properly… You’ve made a coward of me.”

“That is all your doing. My words only have as much meaning as you give them. Though if you can still do that then maybe there is hope… Why do you not give that same meaning to your memories?”

“My memories?”

The wind slowly felt like it would peter out, yet even with the chill falling, Terrance began to feel the freezing cold he’d ignored this entire time. Shivering and rubbing both his arms, the voice did not care to register his troubles and spoke only of what he wanted Terrance to know.

“Did you not keep fond memories of the ones you have lost? Why do you hide them away?”

“They are gone. All I remember when I think of them is their final moments…”

“Such a trifle… If that is all that keeps you from a desire to live, then I can fix your ailing mind.”

“You are my illness… A strange voice in my head, I’ve gone mad.”

“Yes, that is likely. I mean it is certainly not normal for humans to converse with a voice in their mind they do not believe to be their own. Though that is due to a lack of knowledge on your kind’s part when it comes to other beings. So I will not pin the blame solely on your age and ignorance.”

Beginning to sound like the voice would cooperate and meet with him on a middle ground, gave spark to a slight bit of wonder in Terrance’ mind that this voice perhaps wasn’t fake. Still holding out reservations just in case.

“How do you intend to help me?”

“By teaching you something all other forms of life usually learn as newborns. How to compare themselves to the world.”

“That sounds ridiculous. I am not a dumb rock. Or some branch.”

“And once again, I must remind you that you are not knowledgeable enough to realize the true intent behind my words. Be still and quiet.”

Terrance found that this would not change help him forget the pain of losing his village even slightly, but thought doing this would be better than not trying anything at all.

“I want to ask you to remember someone who you were cordial with. Anyone. A friend. Someone you consistently interacted with.”

“Alright, alright… I got someone.”

It was the memory of his only friend in the small village he’d grown up in. Lyra.

“What sorts of games would you play with this person?”

“I would… Chase her near this ridge. And she would do the same. We would do so for hours.”

“Now, then remember how it felt to stamp your feet on the ground, how the dirt felt at the base of your feet. Every little vibration.

“How did we go from my friend to thinking about dirt?”

“I told you to listen. Not question… Next, remember, what was her scent?”

“Her… Scent? I don’t know… I guess she always smelled like lavender. Her mother used to make ornament out of flowers and other natural things. She would help once in a while and twine thistles of the flowers in her hair to tie it back.”

“Don’t tell me, just keep your mind on it. With those two facets linked in your mind, draw it back to the earth you stand on now. How soft it still feels, and the blessing of those flowers sweet scent. What was linked to those sensations. Laughter. Jealousy. Endearment.”

As he kept listening to the voices advice, Terrance was reminded of those feelings. Drawing them forward ever so slightly, the corners of his mouth slightly churned upward. Remembering pained screams, his heart beat faster and forced him to snap away from those thoughts.

“N-No… This won’t work.”

“I know what you saw just now. Don’t let it sway your concentration. Lay down. Remember them. And while you struggle with the pain, remember what the ground offered in protection and comfort. Nothing about what happened around you.”

Against his wishes to flee far from the pain he’d just experienced, lowered himself onto his back, and went back into the painful memories. Doing as instructed. Keeping his mind quiet and full of what he struggled to hold onto. He did so for what felt like hours, but ended up being no more than minutes.

“Feel how the earth is your body. And your body works to always do as you wish. That it is yours, and no matter how much pain it suffers, it is yours. And you have the choice to used it to chase your friend. How you used it to perform your day to day tasks. And with that memory, stand and collect the supplies necessary to give yourself shelter.”

He didn’t feel like leaving the spot he had settled in to, but knew if he did not find a way to block out the cold, then he would succumb when frost fell. So, Terrance collected every scrap of wood he possibly could from what hadn’t been turned to ash. Charred wood and stone. He gathered it together one piece at a time, and did the best he could to create four walls tall enough to stop the cold from reaching him entirely. Alongside a roof made of spar straw.

Hands red and blistering, Terrance found himself exhausted, but the voice was far from finished with its lesson.

“Now you have a home. Take pride in your accomplishment, and let that build your strength to keep out the pain, just as it does the chilling wind. But I know, this isn’t enough. So next come back to the edge.”

“I’m so tired…”

“Yes, yet you are still far from recovering. So come.”

Bringing his sore body out of the makeshift home, he crawled to the edge and looked down. Seeing only a chasm leading to his demise and feeling defeated, he thought to bring this farce to an end. Even if he had a home, all Terrance could see is that he had nothing still but pain. The voice did not falter in teaching him despite picking up on his desperation to escape.

“See how the waves crest the rocks. I want you to fall back into your loss, and accept it. You have no one, and you have lost the life you had. Yet know that just like those waves, they continue to flow and crash into the rocks. Ask yourself why. What point there is in the endless cycle of those waves hitting the rocks. If it is truly pointless.”

His neck resting over the ridge, Terrance faced down but oddly, the waves violent crashing did not disturb him as before. He found that the waves hitting those rocks was more soothing than difficult to watch. The voice explained this change to him.

“You’re relieved, because you are no longer seeing a struggle, but because the waves do not crash against the rocks to break them down, but refine their shape. Molding them into something strong and resilient. Like those waves, your spirit is broken, smashed to pieces over and over again. I must ask, that you focus only on being reformed.”

Even in the constant fatigue ebbing at his consciousness, Terrance gripped tightly to those words. Now gaining clarity he was hurting, but that the hurt was only there to make sure he could withstand further loss. To bring his spirit back to the surface tougher and less rigid. He understood his pain, it wasn’t as simple a concept to lump it in as something meant to drag him down which would never rise, but be reformed.

“Your third lesson. Consider a flame. While all it has done recently is take away your home, think of all the times it has served to provide comfort. How you would wield it to make a hearth which your family would gather around.”

While there certainly had been a nugget of truth to his words, fire in its nature was destructive as it had to consume in order to keep burning. To which all Terrance could feel was hatred and disgust for such a self-serving element. As it made him watch plenty of his kin slowly burn alive. Every tid bit of rage, the voice had not missed a fraction of it. And would quickly dispel his distaste for the flames.

“I understand how destructive fire can be. It is a dangerous tool which is more often than not, a weapon wielded against others. However the flame itself is not in control of what it burns, only the one using it is the one to be blamed. If you are angry, then you are free to be, but only toward the ones who took from you. And like the flame, know when you have burned all you could and extinguish.”

Hearing he wasn’t threatened any longer, displayed an opportunity, that he hadn’t been harmed in this moment except by a phantom of his memories. From his lesson of the earth he stood on, it was apparent those memories would only hurt him only as much as he focused on the pain. Terrance put the anger to away, but knew it wasn’t gone, Merely replaced by better memories.

The next lesson came immediately in turn, as it was important to take into account the final step in healing from this loss as fast as possible. As anger was one of the strongest emotions and smothered all others if kept present in ones forefront thoughts.

“Get to your feet and let your arms spread slightly from the rest of your body.”

He no longer felt skeptical about the voices intentions, unbothered by wherever this path led, it had to be better than death. Whipping at his body, he found discomfort with the cold air, but let the voice guide him.

“Depending on the time of year, air changes. It can be fickle, or helpful. One thing remains always consistent and that is; it clears the mind of those who intake it. Five times. Take five deep breaths, and as you do, forget everything. What hurts and what heals. Let it all drift away into the sky. Be free of your feelings.”

Letting go grew to be a hard task as he still had so much emotions fresh in his mind. How could someone who went through so much just let go? He opened his eyes and looked up. Seeing how far the clouds arced over his head, spanning endlessly. Believed that this was bigger than him, that he couldn’t possibly let go. Though, the voice at last gave him the key. An answer to his life’s value.

“At the beginning, you demeaned yourself, saying your life had no value. For some, that might be true. For a lot, it becomes a fact. You cannot best a force you can’t possibly have a hope to ever change. For a select few though. There are those who look up and see this never ending sky. One choice always stands. The only victory that can ever be afforded, but also the most precious. The choice to be better. And recognize your suffering is never permanent. You sought death as an escape, but if there is any escape, then it is here. Your value is decided by one an answer that is in front of you at the precipice between life and death.”

Solemn, the voice spoke softly.

“Your loved ones are gone, but the world is here. It always will be. Along with everything in it. There will always be more people. Good, bad, or plain indifferent. A place to call home. Food to eat. It will all never change. You only truly lose them by leaving.”

Those five deep breaths that voice asked of Terrance were complete. Looking out to the clouds, while they were dark and seemed to span endlessly, he noticed something new, that they were lined silver and eventually brightened toward their top. His circumstance while mostly dark and grave, the end would always be certain if he could remember one thing.

“My life’s value is endless as long as I keep living. While it means nothing as soon as I wish to die.”

Instead of what he believed to be an emptiness refreshed and to be viewed as a calm. A calm his mind had employed after losing everything to numb the pain just long enough for his soul to reform. These feelings of hopelessness were not here to dictate his value, but they had confused him into thinking he was already gone. Upon seeing this simultaneous trap and defense his mind had made, Terrance stepped away from the edge freely.

It didn’t matter what he lost, as long as he was willing to put himself back together again and be stronger if there was a next time. Now feeling empty but calm, resumed conversing with the voice in his head.

“I won’t die here. I’ve got my life and that is all I need.”

“I’m satisfied you aren’t stupid after all. Though I will tell you to follow this process once each day. It is necessary for one to heal entirely.”

“Thank you. I probably would be dead right now if you hadn’t talked to me. I do want to know, if you aren’t human, what are you?”

“You want to know what I am… How about one last lesson, but I won’t be giving you the answer this time.”

“Okay, fair.”

“I want you to put each element and emotion of what you imagined and gather them into one form. If you were to do that, I’m sure you’ll know.”

The voice had asked Terrance to solve a rather troublesome riddle. There wasn’t much one could imagine that could embody every single element and emotion at one time. It would have to be a creature of extraordinary imagination. One you would never find in reality. It was then Terrance suddenly grew troubled.

“Damn… It sounds impossible.”

“It is a choice to limit yourself. Similar to how you almost took your life over an illusion it had lost meaning. Are you really going to cut yourself off here? After we had such a nice chat?”

Whether or not this voice was real, he felt he owed it to the voice on the off chance this wasn’t just a case of insanity. Similar to how the voice humored his blindness, he would humor its existence. He began constructing an image of the creature in his head.

One that had wisdom and been reformed over and over through time immemorial. Capable of seeing through the tribulations of life clearly. This creature had to be larger than life itself. Or at least larger than his own. A body as strong as the earth he walked on.

It still had to encompass the fluidity of water however. Conflicting with the image of something that was tough as a rock. It would need to be slender and lengthy, but still retain a hard exterior. It would have to have a carapace or outer protection. More likely a reptile than insect.

Having settled that matter, lizards and snakes weren’t exactly known for being compassionate creatures. This creatures spirit would need to burn with a powerful desire to seek and resolve conflicts of others and itself. And also manage to display such powerful emotions to others in a physical form.

Nearing the end of this fantastical theory, Terrance had grown a strong and consistent feeling for what kind of creature he was dealing with, but still kept the trend going. Knowing it would need to have the ability to freely move through the sky while letting thoughts pass through its mind with ease to comprehend complex and thought provoking questions and answers. A creature that would need it in order to test others.

All these added together, he had the image he needed, but still wanted to doubt. There had been tales, but never confirmed. Undoubtedly this had to be the only being which matched such a vivid description.

“You’re a dragon.”

Complete silence engulfed the flat of land. Crashing waves, and whistling wind, both completely were drowned out as Terrance waited for the voice anxiously to prove him right or wrong. No words, but ultimately chose to answer.

Below the ridge, a creature of monstrous form rose up as he could first see two sizeable, leathery white wings carry its body split between three bones. Keeping it in the air despite such massive girth. A sleek black scaled body which lined itself red and pulsed as though the skin underneath were a separate living being. Serpentine amethyst eyes which shined like gems, same to back then.

The gusts of winds sent Terrance toppling backward as the dragon lightly perched itself on the edge with its tail wrapping around to stay in place.

“Such a display of intuition from a child. I think I’m going to take my time with you.”

Confused to the implication, the dragon reared back and a moment later, fire streamed toward him.

New England, Wales, 1286 A.D.

Every day thereafter, he relived those lessons and fought the dragon. And lost every single time. Either he would burn his flesh or slash his chest open with its raking claws. However after every defeat, Terrance woke up in his hut. Completely unharmed and unbothered. Creating uncertainty if the dragon ever was truly there.

Contrarily, this experience did change him. No matter how much he lost, or how little he gained through his life. Terrance understood something else equally as important as a full life. To not let pain choose for him. Remembering to always take a step back and try again. Since the value of life is not decided by how much is taken, but by how much effort you put in.

Everyone’s value is indefinite. Even if no one believes it. Including yourself.