Voice of The Fearless Dreamer

How many people in the world have a clear understanding of where they’re going in life? I get caught up in these personal questions from time to time. I can’t help but ponder on these things. Maybe, it’s because of where my life currently stands and the troubles I’ve been dealing with. It could even be my age.

Despite the reasons for these reflections, I like to cherish them for exactly what they are and what they do for me.

When you were a child did you ever remembering having a dream? A clear picture of the life you were going to live? I could remember back to when I was younger, I had a lot of different fantasies and ideas of life that I held very close to my heart. Looking back today, some of those dreams weren’t scientifically or even realistically possible but, for the ones that were? Well, I think little by little life starts to shape the ideas and beliefs we carry about our dreams toward the future.

A change in perception or even the cause of us to give up on our dreams altogether. As we move along with new experiences and knowledge of the world, we start to narrow down the choices, cutting off the options that don’t work for us and reforming better understanding around the ones that do.

Some of us, however, after so long of a life full of knockdowns and drag-outs start to lose hope. I think we start to accept a reality that looks and feels nowhere near what we have dreamed of it to be. Leading us to end up lost, confused, scared, and broken from a life persistent on proving us wrong. Dreams that seem so big that they were left to the hands of fate, all because people countlessly were shown that their efforts would never be enough to make their own dreams come true.

As a little girl growing up, I could remember a time when I just felt very different from all of the other kids. In school, I wasn’t much of a socialite. I was very anxious and nervous around all the other kids and I wasn’t one of those types of girls, fitting into the mold of the more popular kind of crowd.

I remember hiding behind my mom’s legs when introduced to other adults and their kids. That was the moment she would then reply, “Oh, she’s just shy!”

I was shy. I had to have been because of the moment I felt comfortable, I would proceed to be the little ball of energy that I always was, am, and forever will be.

This isn’t to say I didn’t like the other kids or I didn’t want to be around them. I just truly felt like I didn’t know how to go about being my authentic self. I was always fearful and insecure about who I was. Later in life, these little uncertainties and thoughts around how I could go about opening up to others started to grow a mind of their own.

By middle school, I became familiar with these uncertainty’s and even started to develop reasons why I wouldn’t — or shouldn’t — ever even try to open up. I was beginning to build a wall, one that would block and shield me from getting hurt or coming face to face with rejection. This was a way of mine that started to just become who I was or at least, who I thought I was. I started to ignore the issue.

Now by the time I was out of school I had built up a wall so strong and high that nothing, not even myself had a way of seeing past it. Uncertainty had transformed into a deep-rooted fear of opening up or trusting anyone. I would then soon get addicted to a life that didn’t leave me with any way of ever having to face that fact. I became a workaholic, working 3 jobs, I gave little room for friends, family, and love.

My mom struggled with having deep conversations with me about my personal feelings and how I felt about different major points in my life. She sometimes would have to drive up to my place of employment, just so she could have a second of my time to say that she missed me. I was pulling 18-hour shifts, working 7 days a week at 3 different jobs for 4 years without break. I was blinded by then and fear managed to have dug its claws so deep into my life at that point.

The very wall that I had built up became what I feared the most. I lost all focus on who I was, what I liked, where I was going, or where I wanted to be and end up. Until one day I met someone who changed everything. I fell in love and I didn’t understand how. I was not the easiest girl to crack but he wasn’t like all the other guys that held rocks and pebbles trying their attempts to break through before giving up the fight and moving on.

He took a sledgehammer to everything I had ever come to understand. I left all my jobs, dropped everything in its tracks, and learned how to open up again. I moved in with him and found something I never thought I could: my voice.

The whole time I was fearful of my future, I didn’t know exactly what I wanted in life and wasn’t speaking up. I wasn’t voicing my deepest and most innate feelings and thoughts, and I started to lose a clear picture of what my dreams actually were.

I had built up too much of a boundary around my heart, never taking a moment to let someone in or let my voice out, causing me to live a life of a more codependent nature. I was following what everyone else would voice, holding back my dreams till I completely was unaware of them.

I used to watch my mom get abused. We were homeless a lot and I can remember my mom ending up with men that had the money to take care of our family. So, I took on a role as a kid of being the “provider” and later was hell-bent on making money so we were never to be homeless or have to rely on someone else again.

I was living with an abusive guy, the jobs that I worked? I had to get there using the support of his car. I was paying for everything, my mom's rent and bills, my bills, my boyfriend's bills (he wouldn't get a job) and I even took in a friend that would have otherwise been on the street, paying his way as well.

Everyone was now relying on me to do so. Until love from one man in my life made me aware of what was really going on. I was actually being used the whole time and leaving made that picture very clear.

I faced my fear, finally trusted myself, spoke up, quit working the jobs that pushed me around, left the negative house and draining people I was living with. I stopped taking care of everyone else and everything else that was blocking me and holding me back from what I truly wanted. I spoke, finally for myself, and learned to let it all go. The people, the career, even if that risked everything, I thought I knew to be true. I started over again but this time, for me, and I faced that change. A shot I was willing to take.

So, to say that I have overcome my fear completely? No, there are still times in my life just as I'm sure there are in your own lives where fear arises on our path, and yes each and every single one of those moments can still be a challenge so I would like to give notice to not just one but, all those moments. It’s not easy, but despite the challenges that I face, now I know that my feelings, dreams, and desires are worthy of having a voice and a rightful opinion towards the life-changing choices I have to make.

You see, fear was never something to keep us trapped but more of a way to break out into our own freedom, the place where our distant dreams can finally become our own reality.