Use to be.

I havnt really felt trapped, but I’m aware things arnt what they use to be. Who really even knows what’s going on anymore? I don’t think our government even knows that they are doing. It’s like we had recess where everyone got sick and the popular kids are trying to figure out how we can all still play together without getting sick. I feel like the virus is real, but so is some hidden agenda that we can all feel in our bones but no one can put a finger on. There are a million conspiracy theories and who knows what’s true anymore but something is off and we all feel it in our bones. It’s like we are all about to be drafted into the Hunger Games, may the odds ever be in your favor. It’s scary because I have an eight month old and prior to having a child I don’t think I would have been this scared. I can’t just think about me now but what would I do with him if we all started having to run from zombies?

Half the people are wearing masks, half the people arnt. Half the people are scared, half are not. Half the people are still living, half are hiding. I don’t think anyone truly knows what’s up and what’s down at this point. It’s chaos and it’s getting worse and worse. I hear gun shots down the street right now going off...no joke, are they gun shots or fireworks? Fireworks have been going off for no holidays. My friends car just got stolen and is heading three states away because she has a tracker on it and has to call the cops once they stop. I honestly feel like everyone is losing their mind. And how is it that parks are closed? Now we have to be sheltered from nature? I’m just so confused and I’m sure along with millions of others. I filed for unemployment over two weeks ago and lost my job a couple days ago. Unemployment is backed up by over a month so all my bills will be going negative this weekend. Me and my family tried to go to a food drive to get free food and they ran out before we even made it half way there because in our area it’s estimated that 40% of the area is having a food insecurity because of this virus.

Ok, so they are fireworks, but a few days ago they were gun shots.

My baby just nursed himself to sleep and I sit looking at his face wishing I could be as oblivious as he is to everything going on. Me and my fiancé are fighting every night because of finances and my job loss. It’s bringing out the worse in everyone. I lost my grandmother on Mother’s Day and my sister lost her cat a few days ago. It’s like a time of suffering. It’s like nature has had enough of our ish and is trying to take us out.

To be honest I’m not sure if this time period is a reckoning or down fall. The government and elite could just use this as a chess move, on the other hand I feel like multiple people are waking up to what really matter and also realizing how our government is made up of every day humans too, who have no clue what they are doing. If there is such a thing of good and evil we’re in the middle of the tornado on who is going to come out the other side victorious.

I asked my fiancé tonight if he wanted to go out and I would watch baby but he responded with “and go where?” and sometimes it takes that response to remind me nothing is open and we’re on some weird lockdown. Some places are open while others arnt. I don’t really sit and stare and wonder what outside looks like...I honestly sit and wonder what America is going to look like when this is all over. We’re in a Great Depression and everyone is scared to admit it and say it. All I know is that things arnt what they use to be.