To be 'a part' or 'apart' ?

Life is rife with opportunities. Some we look for on. Some come to us accidentally. Some are welcome while others might not be. Yet in all this is a choice. To do or not to do. I have spent as much time mulling over whether to do something as much as I have sleeping. I love sleeping. I came to realize though that with all the 'should I', 'shouldn't I' that goes around I totally lose sight of what is and what could be. Now while I do generally try to take life as it comes I have also come to the conclusion that some things need self-influence to come about.

Take writing for example. I really enjoy it; but I spent a whole two years flip-flopping all over the place reciting a whole litany of excuses. My writing sucks. What's the point? Will anyone want to even read? I have no talent for it. Until one day I got up and said OK. I might die tomorrow. What then? So I started writing. It doesn't really matter if I get rewarded or if someone insults my penmanship... ...because I did it!!! I wrote. It is sooooooooooooooooooooo liberating to not give a damn about what is and isn't and what could and couldn't be. As my good friend Erwin would say, "Open the damn box and see if the cat is dead! The suspense is killing me."

This happens ALL the time. It isn't even a problem of should I all the time either. Sometimes I'll eat out and think 'wow, I that was great. I'm full to bursting. I really don't have the appetite for desert.' after which I will find myself waging an internal battle as to if I should order dessert. Only because it feels like the logical thing to do. Do you ever wonder why so many of the ancient love goddesses were also patronesses of war??? Ishtar, Freya, Aphrodite and pretty much every other goddess found in the Afro-Eurasian region. SO many old religions couldn't take apart the love from war. They may seems like opposites today. Only due to cultural drifts. However, the tendency to romanticize war has never diminished. Ask yourself if you ever looked with scorn on all those war scenes played out in Hercules or Scorpion King or Game of Thrones. Yet we are horrified when we see the documentaries of the WW II holocaust or any other event or war-inspired story that has true roots like Dunkirk and 1947 and Anne Frank. Nobody dares romanticize those. Nor can they be. How does an entity of love bring that about? What part of war is love then?

'Where do I stand in all this?' is the question I often find myself pondering. Which side am I a part of??? Do I even have a side? Must I choose? I will admit. I have never seen war and I don't want to either (Though I imagine it would be a lot like it is now but more intense.) In all this uncertainty all I have, are the opportunities life throws at me and my choice to attain or discard them. So I will continue to persevere. Write what is in my heart and tell the story I want to tell.

You must find yourself in this fix too. After all we are only human. Look, I won't tell you to do everything that happens to come your way or run away from it all. Naturally, your circumstances are your own and the only one who can truly know what you are going through is... well you. (At this time had my mother been here she would tell me to say that Jesus also knows what you are going through and that He will always be with you.)

In any case, I am not going to tell you to do or not to do. What I will ask is this: Will you regret doing it or not doing it? Whatever comes after, you leave to God or whatever other universe power juice you believe in. For you see the part-apart dilemma was never meant to be solvable. There is no universally applicable general equation solution here. Yet, it is in this unsolvable nature that we find the answer. As something that is not rigid has the potential to be flexible. All you have to do is bend it in your favor.