Thoughts Of The Day

Life has a way to stump you and make you feel like there is no other option but to beg for a second chance. Sometimes life tells you that you must prove yourself everyone, to go and take risk, to open your doors to anyone that needs help, and then life gets the better of you because you have way too much baggage’s to cope with all the responsibilities.

So, you sit and ponder in a dark room a bottle of vodka and start to imagine what your alter ego is? Or who it is you resemble? Do I fit in this world of judgemental people? All these questions left unanswered.

You begin start to feel discouraged because you think turning green would make you 10 feet tall and bullet proof or being camouflage will make you invisible just for that one day, you can feel like a superhuman and all your problem will go away but reality is at your doorstep and all your problems are still there.

So, you ask yourself that question repeatedly, where do I go from here? You have not moved from that dark room with your bottle of vodka still procrastinating, that a day with superpowers could change your life for even just a spilt second. Your so consumed by your thoughts, you forget to breathe as you grasp for air, confused and feeling wounded because you have just drunk that bottle of vodka.

Your figure of imagination starts to draw a perfect picture in your mind, knowing that there is no perfection in your life right now.

At this point, you have turned the light on while hold the vodka and stare at your reflection in the mirror. A tear drops from your eye as you continue to stare intently trying to look for ways to fix your imperfection.

You decide that you just cannot stand the sight yourself and turn the light back off, because all you can see is brokenness staring back at you. You feel disgusted and move back to the bed where you first sat.

You begin to feel numb, very empty; emotions don’t feel real because you look so content, but your insides are screaming for help and your thoughts are running wild, your brain feels like its going 100 miles. You just want it to stop or even slow down so you can catch up but its like an ongoing roller coaster ride or the words on this page, probably does not make sense. But who cares, cause when you are in a predicament in life nothing ever makes sense, everything always feels wrong and that the whole world is judging you.

At this point, you have had enough and begin to self-sooth, you put the bottle down, take a few deep breathes and fall asleep feeling defeated by your thoughts with your tears left running down your eyes and wondering what tomorrow will bring.

These are the thoughts of my imperfections.

Right now, I still struggle to perfect my imperfection.

At times I feel like most of my friends I have lost because it became too hard to be that friend that always offered a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen but there was no one there to offer their support when I needed it, or those failed relationships I have had this past two year that made me feel like I was the bad impact in their lives because they couldn’t get their situation sorted and now I suffer and have to pull all those broken pieces together just to form a piece of a heart.

I have knowing this for many years now, but it never seems to get better. People are more judgemental, they are very deceiving, and they purposely bring you down for their own boost of ego.

In saying that, I am a lot more insecure now than what I was 5 years ago which makes it harder at times to think rationally, but I have learnt that you got to keep pushing,

People will always have something to say, and that you must start with you.

Make you choice on how you want to live and stand by it.

People will have to accept you for who you are and if not, that is their problem because you have something to offer no matter what.

Be True to Yourself!