Thoughts of a young woman

I've been thinking about self-confidence for a while now, trying to figure out what would it mean to me to be "self-confident"? Do I even have it? And if yes, how does it manifest itself?

For me, as a young woman, it is an extremely delicate topic. Living in today's world feels like there are many expectations that I am required to meet. I need to look in a certain way, I need to dress in a certain way, I need to behave in a certain way. In most of those cases, I do not meet those expectations. I am no beauty, my BMI is bigger than it should be, I am not wearing cute skirts and dresses and I curse. A lot.

I also struggle with myself.

I remember this one night, crying in my bathroom and my friend asking me "Why can't you love yourself"? Exactly. Why can't I love myself?

I want you now to think, have you ever said such a sentence to a friend? Maybe you have heard it yourself from somebody? If this was a conference meeting I would ask for a show of hands and something inside my mind keeps telling me I would see a lot of damn hands.

What does loving oneself mean? I think if I was to give a definition of self-love I would say it is recognising your strengths as well as acknowledging your flaws but being okay with them, accepting them. Just feeling comfortable with your mind and body. Do I think that self-love is a permanent state? Absolutely no. I do believe that people have those stages - those when they do accept themselves and love themselves, truly enjoying and cherishing their lives and those where this little voice pointing out every little insecurity returns to our heads. For me, this little voice is not so little anymore, and it feels like he is a permanent resident in my head. How to get rid of it? That's what I'm trying to find out.

But that what has become of me now. This voice has poisoned me, my heart and my soul. I do not know how to be around people anymore. I have this constant feeling that whenever I step out of my room everyone judges me for how I'm dressed, for not wearing any makeup or maybe for wearing too much makeup, for not having this perfect body and perfect skin and hair. Do I walk okay? Is my posture fine or does everyone on the street think I'm a Hunchback of Notre Dame? Do I smell nice or have I sweat so much that everyone who passes me can smell it? Is my voice nice enough when I speak to another person? Is my facial expression kind enough or am I showing my bitch face?

Do my friends really enjoy my company or do they just pity me?

The minute I asked myself that question I knew that was it. I went too far and my head has become this place of darkness and self-hate and insecurity. At this point, I started to avoid my friends. It felt like I was constantly forcing myself when I wasn't wanted. So I stopped showing up. They stopped inviting me. The texting stopped.

My world slowed down.

My world was close to stopping too.

For anyone out there, maybe reading this and in some way identifying with this - you are not alone. We all go through different things in life. I want to believe that those things happen to us for a reason and once we are able to overcome them, there is really some great stuff out there just waiting for us.