Thir3 Times a Charm!

After about 12 years of heavy active addiction, and almost 3 years on the mend from that addiction, I really felt my life was coming back into focus. It felt like I was finally on a roll, and headed for good things in my life, after a life thus far filled with turmoil. Once again life would teach me to never put all my eggs into one basket, one more time life would show me that I'm really not in control here!

During my life thus far, I had a fair amount of friends die at young ages, usually from drinking and driving, and even few that died young of different health conditions. But never did anyone within my personal circle, or circles rather, did anyone ever try or succeed at taking their own lives, I hadn't lost anyone close to me by suicide. That is until July 8th of 2013! This was ultimately also the first day of the rest of my life!

On July 8th of 2013 my very closest cousin, who also was my "using partner" for at least 5 years drove his car into a tree ending his life. He ended up making the decision to do so after his wife told him once again it was over and that he wasn't welcome to come home because he was out using (crack) again, only months after finally being able to move home with his family again after their last separation years earlier. This turned out to be more than he could handle, and he was sick of failing at his attempts at sobriety.

After spending the rest of that year and the first half of 2014 getting used to the loss of my cousin, I got some much welcomed news quite all of a sudden. After being in B.C. for the last 6 or 7 years my bestfriend of 27 years, had decided to move back to Ontario, bringing with him his new to me family. So around the beginning of August I was reunited with my best buddy, and finally got to meet his two daughters that were around 3 and 6 years old.

Josh was only back in Ontario roughly 5 weeks, when his girlfriend up and left with his daughters while Josh and I were working a job. She sent him a txt message as she left the house, with nothing he could do, he'd never see his girls again. He took this quite hard, and his parents lived about 7 hours away making me his only real support close by. Over the next week his Mom would grow concerned about Josh, so much so that she messaged me of FB, asking me how he was and telling me she was really worried. She wanted to make the 7 hour drive down to be with him for a while, but Josh's Dad was out on a kayak trip for another two days and she was nervous about driving the long drive alone.

I assured her that although he was having a bit of a tough time with it, I was with him every single day and that everything was going to be ok. I told her "Josh is my brother, I love the guy and I'm not going to let anything happen to him that she had nothing to worry about. And that if at any point I became worried, she would be the first person I called" and for her to just come down when Josh's Dad was back in the couple days. I really thought I had everything under control and didn't think Josh was in any trouble, being sure to keep an eye on him as I lost my cousin just a year earlier due to pretty much the same deal. That was Saturday around 5 p.m. that I told Josh's Mom that, and come Monday morning around 7:30 a.m. I stopped by his place on my way to work only to find he had hung himself. A sight I can still see clear as day every time I close my eyes.

Although I knew it wasn't my fault, and that I did everything in my power to be with and help him through his tough time in any way I could, I couldn't escape the responsibility that I felt. I felt responsible for loosing my best friend, for his parents to have lost their eldest son, I felt responsible for the loss that each and every person that knew and loved Josh was going to feel. I felt responsible for Josh not getting to see his girls grow up, and most importantly I felt responsible for his two little girls never being able to see their Dad, to know Josh's love for them ever again. I constantly asked myself "who I thought I was to say I had everything under control", or "who did I think I was to tell Josh's Mom to just come down when they could, had I not said that she would of came and he'd still be alive today". Even knowing full well I didn't have any control over Josh therefore held no responsibility for this, there was nothing I could do or tell myself to shake those feelings.

So in November of 2014 roughly 6 weeks after finding Josh, I just wasn't able to cope with it and tried to end my life via heroine overdose. I went and got enough to do the trick, and late one night when my partner was long asleep in bed, I locked myself in the bathroom a floor below where she was sleeping and the furthest point in the house from her. I locked the door, injected myself and immediately went under. Unexplainably she was awaken by the sound of labored breathing sounds, to come downstairs and find me laying half in and half out of the small bathroom, which is also unexplainable because if you remember I locked the door so she wouldn't be able to just come in. After googling what to do in an heroine od, she proceeded to do so before calling 911 because she couldn't get a response. I woke up before the ambulance arrived, and refused to see them, I had survived!

Then around, again November but now 2017 I tried to hang myself i the same manor I'd found Josh. I hung myself with a shoe lace, and it worked as I remember passing out rather quickly. The difference between Josh and I was about 60 lbs, and apparently that equated to "too heavy" for a shoe lace as I woke up on my closet floor some time later. Again, I had survived! But the pain was just too great and I had fallen back into addiction, and knew if anything, that I didn't want to live like that again.

So again, and for the final time I decided I was going to give this suicide thing another honest shot, I really just felt I just couldn't go on living anymore. After all what was the point, I had lost a lot of relationships over the years as I dealt with my addiction, but now I'd also lost my absolute two bestfriends both within 14 months of each other. This time was going to work, I used 1/4" yellow nylon rope, it wasn't breaking this time. So one night in May of 2018 I hung myself over the bathroom door, with my back against the door so it couldn't be opened. Well my roommate ended up catching the play grabbed some scissors and broke into the second door to the bathroom, and cut me down. I woke laying on the floor to her trying to stick the blade of the scissors under the rope and my neck to cut it off.

Something that time snapped in me, and I knew not only that I didn't want to try that again, but also that I wanted to do my part on ending the stigma attached surrounding people asking for help in their times of need. Not everybody has a good support system, and so many people have NO support system. And when people ask for help too often they are ridiculed or made fun of, which leads to them shutting down. Not being able to ask for help can lead to so many horrible situations and three of those that I intend on making a change in are addiction, homelessness, and suicide. If people were comfortable to just ask for help before any of these horrible situations get out of control, I think so many less people would be harshly affected by these situations.

So in August of 2019 I joined another fella and walked from my home in Waterloo Ont. to Toronto Ont. over 13 days, camping outside the whole way. We just slowly made are way which ever way the roads took us, talking to as many people as possible and putting up stickers everywhere. I've never been a hugely athletic guy, not even liking having to park at the far end at the mall, but I really enjoyed myself. So much so that I knew this was going to be a new yearly thing for me.

Then come August of 2020, even amid all the corona virus, I biked almost 500 kms from my home to Niagara Falls and back doing the same thing. I was alone this year, and pulled a trailer behind my bicycle with my camping gear and food and supplies, completing the trip in 12 days. People weren't as talkative as last year because of the corona, but I still managed to put up over 300 stickers and even raise some money which I then donated to a call center.

Feeling so good about my ride this year, naturally I decided that this was the new yearly gig. And having pulled off almost 500 kms at the age of 39, I decided that it only made sense to try to cross Canada next year! And so that's my goal, and every dollar I happen to make from this share is going to go directly in a CCR fund, my Cross Country Ride fund. My message to anyone who will listen is, that no matter what your going through there is ALWAYS someone who cares and will listen. You can call a 24 hr help line, reach out to a friend or family member, and there so many other things you can do, but just know you don't have to feel alone if you don't want to. I thank each of you for taking the time to read my story, and for your support. Let's together make a better tomorrow, "Kindness is The New Cool"!