These City Streets

"The City Streets!"

Everyday on the streets is an emotional standpoint. Physically demanding, each hour is depleting. Vast numbers of thoughts race through my mind while I ponder my next move. Where can I go? With no set location, I'm free to wander. An adventure to some, for me its homelessness.

It's still hard to fathom being a 34 year old beautiful woman in my hometown, homeless. I am flabbergasted by the length of time I've been at this bottom. Without question, I must keep myself aware. I remain in fear even though each day that passes I've become only brave.

To understand what its like living out here would be almost impossible unless you've endured its struggle. To feel like no one cares, and to lose any feeling of hope, depression hits its all time peak.

Trusting no one, I become extremely lonely. Paranoid and alert, my senses are constant. The feeling of lustful eyes, leave me walking quickly trying to avoid the inevitable pick up lines as I hike miles through the city streets.

Saddened and dismayed, I'm tired and drained. Only replenished by moments when angels appear. In the form of strangers they provide a helping hand, a ride to anywhere, a hot shower, a meal, or just a passing smile and a simple hello.

Some of the best heart filled conversations are with those whom I've just introduced myself. Those whom my story for a second tugs at their heart strings. Those I call my friends, and my family, are the strangers I simply find to be angels. Without them, I would never survive.

These streets are frightening, They are rigid, and cold. These streets devour and kill. They abuse and hold no remorse. These streets are unforgiving and are not bias, homelessness is no joke, a choice perhaps, but for some its forced.

I walk alone down alleys, I fall asleep in parks, I eat out of dumpsters, I am dirty, I may smell, but I am alive. I have feelings, I am breathing and I do understand.

Your judgements hurt. Your comments of ridicule sting. Your casting of stones leaves a mark not only on the one whom which it is thrown but on the one in which also threw it.

Your love is fuel, your hearts are remembered. Your smile gives hope, You're a stranger from somewhere, yet just one helpful gesture forms your own pair of wings to one living homeless on these city streets.

Authored by Jessica Gartner 2019

ALMOST TWO YEARS LATER:

Today, I am very blessed. I have not had to under-go the wrath of the streets for almost a year now. I have had a warm place to lay my head at night. I no longer face the fear of walking down dark alleys at night. I can shower daily and eat three meals a day. My life took 180 degree turn by the help of two strangers.

Though, I am thankful, there are many harsh realities I have discovered while being off the streets and under the so-called comfort of four walls. Each strike me as shockingly outrageous and discomforting. These reality checks, on occasion, cause me to remember the beauties of being a wanderer. I have found that I miss many aspects about the openness I was enriched with while living anywhere.

When I first fell into homelessness, I was ashamed of my place in society. The streets I called home; I was only embarrassed by. In my mind I had hit rock-bottom. My self-worth was lost quickly. Especially after a few shower less days that extended to weeks, and sometimes even months. Many degrading thoughts imploded me. Easily they could have drove me to hate myself, others, & life.

Surprisingly, overtime, the shameful idea of how I was living, faded. I began to accept what I was enduring while also gaining a feeling of confidence. I was able to see the extreme hard work I put in daily, just to survive. I was satisfied by my efforts and felt that I was doing my best.

I viewed the negatives as inspiring. I saw the flaws of the street lifestyle as reasons to see strength, courage and heart in myself, as well as in those who lived this same hardship. I was motivated in desperation and eased with positive thinking.

I truly gained a deep love & respect for the hardened cement, open spaces, and fellow street sleepers. The alleyways I forged over the years only flourished my path and opened my mind. My heart was filled with compassion through the molding that took its course.

Without a doubt, homelessness humbled me.

On the other hand, having somewhere to live has slowly deuterated my self-confidence. In fact, I feel as though every bit of my self-image has been shattered. From the comments made about the way I do something to my own self-ridicule from being too hard do myself, I have become confused, insecure, and feel more lost than any day without a set location to go.

Having daily responsibilities like maintaining the house, cooking meals, and getting ready, along with keeping a set schedule, and attempting to meet the expectations of those around me. I have quickly been disappointed in the uncanny stumble upon these normal activities I have. Let’s just say, I’m awkwardly trying to fit in.

These obligations have stressed me to the point of tears. Somedays worse than others.

Overwhelmed, I am filled with thoughts like “I will never be good enough!”; “These people will never see me as equal.” or “I still don’t belong, because they will never understand me.” Without a second thought, I feel that I met the true evil of the other side.

Surrounded by people giving simple advice, I have become bitter, annoyed, & rather spiteful. My patience level has diminished into mere nothing. At times, I cannot help but just scream loudly. The outburst meant only to relinquish the explosive feeling of complete rage I had boiling within.

Now, despite being blessed with a home and a place to rest without worry, I have found that I am caged by the judgements of others. People who would look down upon the homeless only due to their lack of understanding. Those who never experienced the depths of asphalt living would never see the homeless nor myself as equal.

A homeless man’s true enemy due to judgement, was now my roommate, a man I am sleeping with, his dad, & their friends.

At the time I wrote the above poem, I was homeless. Being a very difficult period of my life, I was angry & tired. My intentions were to imply pure disgust for those who did not understand this struggle, yet they judged. Ironically, the turnover has left me living with the same type people my bias opinion was formed around.

It is amazing the beauty I have found in the freedom of homelessness. Even though everyday seemed overbearing, I have embraced its truth as a positive reality. From then till now, And the realization I have found, I am flabbergasted.

I am now living the ideal way, I am warm and not hungry, I am blessed and grateful. At the same time, I am uncomfortable, hating myself, and questioning my return to the sky covered vastness of the homeless road.

The grass is never greener on either-side. IT IS ALL IN PERCEPTION!