TRULY FALLEN

I am just simply me! I've traveled the depths of the streets, I've lived in some of the richest of homes. I've Been Loved, I've Loved many, yet my heart has truly fallen only once. If someone asks, my reply remains the same..."I'm usually played for a fool cuz I've fallen every single time!"

Yet, As I look in the mirror my reflection still baffles me. For what I see, it seems, this world doesn't. 

My mirror image is a beautiful woman. Talented, & creative, with quite the eye for art. I see intelligence; not only witty, yet emotionally I see only  brilliance & spiritually, I see one like a direct line.

I see an analytical thinker, non-bias, judgemental in her state of want... yet eager to learn.

I look into those eyes and see the deepest of loving hearts. I see courage, I see strength. I even see love for the darkest of contradictions.

Truthfully, I see an angel, I even see her wings. I see a spiritual warrior, a hybrid, a leader & a soul that stands firmly on what she believes in.

I look in the mirror with integrity. I know where I'm loyal. I know whom I strived to be. I know what motivates me and fuels my drive.

I simply see me!

I know where I've struggled. I can still fathom the pain. I can still feel the ache from bruises. My body visually scarred.

I understand my choices & I know where my decisions were selfish.

I look back & without a doubt I can see my ripple. I see where it's tidal waves  have at times, hurt many. I've hurt the people whom I consider to be family & friends, people I love. I can even see where I've hurt only myself.

For the Mistakes I've made are many.

I look in this mirror without guilt. I see no shame. I see an amazing being, & I KNOW I AM CAPABLE!

Despite feeling misunderstood and at times like an outcast; I believe and have faith there's only purpose. And though I've struggled with hopelessness and can truly understand what it's like to be numb, I have found a reason 2 wake up and see that there has always been a reason... Even in me.

They say you cannot truly love someone else until you love yourself... and mind you,I argued with that for years!

Yet falling only once in love has found me understanding what that statement means.

Love is a sacrifice. Yes you can sacrifice yourself which is what I felt I did but in doing that I forgot me. Pain, hurt,  anger, &resentment were building from my expectations. I wanted to show him love by giving him time yet my wants and needs left me disappointed sad and feeling unworthy.

My insecurities caused me to question and assume.  Pushing the one I loved  further and further away.

I saw this yet even being aware.. I had no clue what to do. I couldn't bear the pain I was feeling from the attention he wasn't ready to give.....

He said he needed time.

I DID NOT UNDERSTAND....

Reminded by him...what love is and why he didn't believe that I truly loved him. My hope fleeted I pondered....

If LOVE is forgiving and LOVE endures all , How can you show someone you love them without self sacrifice....?

Hmm!!

ONLY WHEN YOU TRULY LOVE SOMEONE WILL YOU FIND THAT IN THE SACRIFICING OF SELF YOU ARE HURTING THE ONE YOU LOVE ALSO...... BUT IN LOVING SELF... YOU ARE MADE ABLE TO FIND THAT LOVING HIM AND SHOWING HIM THAT SAME LOVE......REQUIRES SACRIFICE YES; BUT NOT OF SELF....

IT TAKES SACRIFICING THE LOVE ITSELF..... BY LETTING IT GO. .

At the beginning of this I spoke of a world that doesn't see me like I do. In this self-discovery & finding true love, I understand now that the world was only a reflection of me. It was showing me what I was doing to myself.

The love I felt for him, his walls & his need for time, along with the love I felt he also had for me was all I needed......The pain made me realize I am Alive.

Love Gave me a reason to live again... Thank you J.C.G.  I will forever love You & Til the day we meet again...know I'm also forever loving me.

The world will see me as I always have because of you.

Jerrad thank you for being YOU...the reason for MY ONE AND ONLY FALL, and also thank you for enduring my love even before I was able to truly show you my love was real.....YOU ARE MY GUARDIAN ANGEL...I SEE YOUR WINGS...IN SEEING YOURS I FOUND MINE....

....(WE ARE FALLEN ANGELS. WE FELL BECAUSE OF OUR LOVE...WE HAD TO LET GO IN ORDER TO EMBRACE THE LOVE IN WHICH WE FELL FOR.....YET LETTING GO AND SPLITTING WAYS WE IN TIME WILL FIND EACH OTHER AGAIN...AND WHEN WE ARE  REUNITED WE  WILL FLY ONCE AGAIN AND RETURN TO OURHEAVEN WHERE WE ARE FOREVER IN LOVE)