“There’s So Much Happiness in Sobriety”

The first time I remember being tipsy was 12 years old. Wow! What an escape. I finally found a way to not feel pain. 

Drinking had always been a way for me to cope, that was one of my lessons growing up. My childhood was very difficult. I had two absent parents that were alcoholics, I was sexually abused but fortunately I had my grandparents to raise me. While they were a more stable home my grandfather drank heavily and had a very bad temper. 

Most of us enjoy a drink to celebrate, to wind down, socialize or to toast someone's life. It is so glamorized that it’s hard not to fall victim to its lure. But drinking can be a very slippery slope. It feels good until it doesn't. 

In 2010 I turned 40 and decided to go after a lifelong dream. It’s never too late to follow a dream, but this industry fueled my insecurities and self loathing because I put myself in a place of judgement. I would drink to have courage for the audition; then I’d drink after because I was unhappy with myself. 

Towards the end of my drinking in 2015, I was drinking heavily everyday and all my husband said was that he wanted me to get healthy. He forgave me for so much. I would think about putting down the drink but it had been how I had coped forever, how could I abandon my escape?

My last day of drinking was a doozy. I was off to a modeling job with my thermos of liquid courage (wine). I told myself I didn’t need it until something went wrong and that’s when I succumbed to my default. I had a great buzz when walked the fashion show. I then met my friend after for drinks, without barely eating, because I of course I had to stay thin. This does not bode well when you are drinking heavily. Without realizing it I decided to go home. 

I don’t remember getting home. I woke up the next morning and knew that my my husband would leave me and take my children if I did not stop drinking. I was living what looked like a perfect life but I was honestly dead inside. It was that day 10/4/2015 that everything changed. I sat down with my husband and admitted I was an alcoholic. I felt like the weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders, my husband embraced me, it was the safest I had ever felt. I attended my first AA meeting that day and I never looked back. 

It was not easy but I was so broken and I wanted to heal. I dove into the program and did everything I was told to do. I worked the steps and recognized my character defects, my role in everything, faced my pain and found a spirituality with my higher power I never knew was possible. It’s hard to recognize if drinking is a problem and affecting your life but if you even question it you probably are drinking too much. It’s the hardest thing ever to admit. It is so scary, especially when drinking is all you’ve ever known. I mean, the thought of never having another drink, really? That can’t be possible, but it is possible and there is so much happiness in sobriety. I am now over 4 years sober and I am living the happiest life ever! I wake up grateful, motivated and present. I run two companies, I am proud of the wife and mom I am today, along with the philanthropic work I am doing. I am living for today instead of my past. I am still healing but AA has been a true gift. I had seen many therapists to get past the pain of my past but my healing really started when I began to work the program. There is so much healing in the steps of AA. Being honest, looking at yourself, turning your power over and giving of yourself is a must. 

I now know it’s possible to be your happiest self and I want to inspire and shed light on this issue and give people hope. Today I feel like I am living a dream. I have launched a talk show to help others, empower others through daily inspirations, run a TV Content studio, have won awards for my work and give back to my community in many ways. I am not saying this is easy. I'm still healing from my past, but I don't feel like the victim anymore. I feel like I’m in control -- not my drinking. We just have to stay in the moment and remember, it's one day at a time. There is so much beauty in healing. I now have my own courage and that liquid courage is in the past.