The weight of guilt

Once I attended a conference where a Thai monk was giving a speech about spirituality and letting your emotions out. At a certain moment a guy stood up and told the monk about something he did, which he felt guilty about. It was not something serious, but the guilt was enough to consume him. After some time, the monk just said, "If you did something wrong, why should you feel good about it?" The guy just stood there, and after that answer, something changed in him.

I also thought about what the monk said, and I realized that the change should come from us, and we should not expect the others to change based off how we feel. When you make a mistake, feeling pain or regret is completely human. What matters is allowing that pain to change you, not letting it consume you.

What does it mean to feel guilty about something you did? It means that after one or more mistakes, you feel bad, maybe because you hurt someone or you ruined something. We all feel guilt in ourselves after we do something we shouldn't have done, but we should not let our lives be conditioned by that feeling in us.

I talked about how guilt influences a relationship, but you might find yourself in this situation at work when you mess up a contract or you miss a deadline, or this could even happen when you make your parents or a close friend feel bad about something you did or said. There are infinite examples, but they all lead to the same thing: you don't hurt just yourself but also the people you have around.

To explain myself better, let's give an example. Let's assume you cheated on your partner; he or she discovered you, but you have still been forgiven. You understood the mistake you've made, and you want to show your remorse to your partner. Every day you are sad and keep asking forgiveness even though you are already clear. In this case, your guilt isn’t just hurting you by keeping you miserable—it’s also hurting your partner, forcing them to relive the moment you cheated, which could ultimately end the relationship.

Going back to the relationship example I made, your partner might have forgiven you, but if you keep being the same, you might repeat the same mistakes. If you really feel sorry, then you should change the situation internally. Do you expect your partner to forgive you a second time? Do you believe a company will retain you after you have undermined a second contract? As said in the previous example, living in constant pain keeps the memory of your mistake alive, not only for you but for others as well—and it can slowly destroy relationships with your partner, friends, or the company you work for.

I felt guilty about many things I did in my life. I felt bad constantly, and I always thought about what I could've done to prevent the disaster I caused. Then I realized that thinking was not the right way to change things, but acting was. I started changing how I feel about myself and how I interact with others. I started reasoning in different ways, and I let go of my past and grudges I had. I forgave, not others, but myself for making the people I loved feel bad for me when one single action was enough.

Remember that when something hatches from an egg, it is broken from the inside. Breaking it from the outside could bring about the death of the animal or serious problems. So don't wait for your shell to break; be the one who breaks it.