The Terror of a First Time Single Mom

The terror and anxiety I felt before even becoming a mother is unmatched. It was a pit in my stomach I can hardly describe. I was horrified also because this was not only my first baby, but was faced with the possibility of having to raise my child alone. At the time I found out I was pregnant, I just left a really toxic relationship with someone very mentally and emotionally abusive and I knew it was going to be hell having to deal with this person. This person was very combative, insulting, argumentative, and even went as far as trying to pit me against other women at one point in the relationship. So you can imagine what was running through my head at first finding out I was with child, and by said person. I was also terrified because I had no experience with children, other than the kids I got to hold from other people. I had no idea what I was getting myself into at all and I can't lie, I was horrified. I was scared I would lose my baby because of all the stress from his father and I fighting, I was scared I wouldn't be prepared financially, and I also lived in a small apartment and didn't really have space for a baby.

I was first diagnosed with anxiety when I was 16 years old. I developed anxiety throughout high school, namely because I was bullied a lot because I was from a different place (I moved from Boston to NC), I spoke a little differently, and I attracted A LOT of jealousy. I went through a lot of that with the girls at my school because a lot of the guys had crushes on me. Which, I was completely unaware of but soon came to discover. Anyway, I also had anxiety because I went through a lot of traumatic experiences in my personal life as well with family and love and relationships as well. So becoming a mom was a huge stress point for me because for the longest time, I didn't think I could give birth. I went through a series of long relationships and never could seem to conceive throughout, so I just naturally assumed I couldn't give birth. I also wanted to be married before I had any children as well, and I wanted to be much further in my career as well. But the saying goes "We plan and God laughs right?"

So skip past a few tumultuous years of my life, and low and behold. I found out I was pregnant September of 2020. I had no idea at the time, and was merely just going to the doctor for a regular checkup. I had just slept with my then ex after yet another breakup (we broke up multiple times) and wanted to make sure I was clear as far as my health went. So I went and had them run my usual tests. He came back and told me I was fine, but that it wasn't what I thought it was. I remember this day as clear as yesterday and remember thinking "Not what I think it is? Omg, do I have AIDS?!!" The doctor saw the alarm on my face after telling me that and decided to absolve my mystery by telling me I was indeed 5 weeks pregnant. My stomach fell into my butt. I had no idea what to say or how to react, considering that, as I just mentioned before, I had a horrible breakup with my son's father a week before then. So, I just walked out. The doctor was still talking and everything. I was just confused. I was upset, because now I had to reach out to his soon to be dad and break the news. But then, I was also nervous because I didn't really know how to break the news to anyone. To be truthful, I thought my mom would rip my head off because I was 27 at the time, not yet fully established in my career, and this was my first baby. I felt so small. As small as the embryo growing in my belly. I was a wreck for the next couple of weeks because I had to see his father again, which was something I did not want to do. I had left him in the first place because he was a serial cheater and very verbally abusive. It was a relationship I was more than happy to walk away and break free from, but now I have a permanent tie to his person.

Needless to say, as time went on, the morning sickness was the worst experience I've ever been through. My belly grew bigger and bigger, I was constantly extremely sleepy, and I still had lots of energy, but I got tired often. I felt so sick in the mornings that I refused to eat. And sometimes my morning sickness lasted all day. It was worse when I didn't eat (which I felt like I couldn't) obviously because the baby needed to eat too. Everyday, I'd wake up and completely just distain the smell of food. I couldn't cook for a long time either because the smell of meat made me gag. Especially if it was raw. So I ordered most of my food from GrubHub and DoorDash. The time came for me to start having to deal with his father, which I dreaded because this person was just far too argumentative to have conversations with. We reconciled shortly, and as I expected, we started arguing again. We argued a lot in the relationship, but even more after the breakup. It got to the point where I was on a walk one day (I was 5 months pregnant at the time) and I was screaming at him to the top of my lungs. He started yet another argument with me because I refused to get back together with him. He also had stated I would be stupid to have my son because of the state our relationship. Hearing him say I should abort my son just because we had a bad relationship was the final straw for me. I knew I would never look at him or respect him the same way, ever again.

After months of not being able to reach a middle ground with this person and being so stressed out that my blood pressure rose to dangerous levels, I completely blocked communication with this person and continued on in my journey to becoming a mother. I will never forget the oath I made to my son. When I was 6 months pregnant, belly so big I couldn't see my feet, I made a promise to my son to always protect him and to make sure he was safe and okay, even if that meant I had to raise him alone. And I've kept that promise to him 'til this day. I had this person (his father) blocked to keep down the confusion until it was time for me to deliver. My blood pressure was so high I developed preeclampsia because of it. All the fighting was really taking a physical and emotional toll on me.

I had my son in May, and his father came around yet again, wanting to reconcile. We did reconcile, only for me to find out about another woman he was keeping on the side who kept calling him while we were at the hospital with my newborn son. He started back up again with his narcissistic comments and argumentative behavior once again. A few days later, I was released from the hospital and he started again. We had my son's very first check up, and his father's mom decided to chime in on the backhanded comments. She started making insinuations that I didn't really have sense enough to be a good mom. We came out quickly for her to give us a ride (which I didn't arrange in the first place) to the doctors. She started asking where my son's hat, his socks, and his blanket was. We were rushed out of the house which was one reason why we both were barely ready. But to hear his mom questioning everything and then making slick comments really pissed me off. But then, he bought up a paternity test and I could no longer hold back my tears. His father kept saying (and it was honestly only to hurt me and simply to avoid responsibility) that my child was not his, and it was at that moment that I just burst into tears.

My mom comforted me and wanted so badly to be there but I knew right then and there that I had to cut ties on my own. After a few more times of trying to reconcile and this person completely abandoning me and his child, I completely severed ties and moved on. I decided, you know what? This person can only continue to kick you while you're down if you allow it. This person is only acting this way because you are allowing it. I realized that I didn't need a man around who didn't want to be there anyway. I looked into my son's beautiful eyes and realized that was the only motivation I needed to move on with my life. He is my strength. He is the fire in my belly! I'm still healing through the emotional and the verbal abuse I went through in that relationship for a whole year long, but I know I will be fine. And I know my son will too. Here it is, almost 7 months later and we're moving to a new place, I've gone back to work since being on leave, and have also gone back to school as well, full time. Things are not perfect, but now that I've rid myself of what felt like deadweight, things are so much better. And to be honest, I'm so much stronger, wiser, and better because of it!!