The Strong Black Woman

When it comes to women that inspire me for International Women's Day, I can think of many, but no one comes close to this particular exceptional woman. She is a force to be reckon with and a story I feel honoured sharing.

Coco was born in a small city close to Montreal. Her family moved to Ottawa shortly after her 3rd birthday. The only girl in between two boys, she was practically a tomboy. She was already used to playing with boys because of her brothers so it almost felt awkward to playing with girls and acting like one. Who knew not being taught how to be feminine would be her demise.

She never thought she was that different even if she knew she didn't look or act like a typical girl. It was on one particular day in the first grade where Coco decided to tell a boy named Tony she had a crush on that she liked him. She wanted to kiss this boy as well. During recess she confessed how she felt to him in the most sincere way she could at that age. He not only shut her down he told her he could never like her because she was black and he was white. It was at that moment she felt self conscious about the colour of her skin.

It became a domino affect shortly after that. She hated herself and everything about being a dark skin black women. The other kids started calling her "Whoopi" and calling "doo doo head." She hated her dark skin and her kinky hair. She didn't understand why couldn't her hair fall down like the other girl. At one point she wanted to look like Micheal Jackson, I mean after all he changed his skin tone why couldn't she?

She pleaded with her mother to help change her appearance but her mother would just tell she should love herself. This did not convince her of her worth though. It also didn't help that growing up in the early 90s, the media depicted females that shared the same complexion as Coco in the most negative light. The biggest blow was when her parents told her they were moving to Texas. Not just any part of Texas, city basically close to Mexico.

Whatever adversity she thought she experienced in Canada, nothing could prepare her for what she had to face in city where there were no other black families at all. She had to be in a school where she stood out like a sore thumb. Not only was she the darkest among her peers she thought she was the ugliest too. Her self esteem was basically shattered all over again. She was bullied at every chance these kids could get. None of the girls wanted to be friends with her. They called her a "Pinche mayate" which meant black beetle. Or they would tell her to go back to Africa. She cried almost every night. She couldn't talk to her mother anymore because she herself was emotionally unavailable and her brothers simply didn't understand. During this time she found out her own father was having an affair with one of his co workers. Since they had no other family, Coco had no one to talk too. At this point the only thing she could learn how to be is funny and strong.

The Mexican boys had no problem being her friend and had no problem showing their interest for her. Her alliance with the boys gave her the protection from the jealousy and hate of the Spanish girls. At the age of 15 years old she joined a gang. This was her path down self destruction and how her career as a seasoned criminal began.

By the time Coco was 17 she was raped, jumped, arrested, had a miscarriage, sent to juvenile, and to bootcamp. She experienced so much trauma that she had problems wetting her bed. Once she left bootcamp her family decided to move once again, this time to Dallas, Texas. It was then she finally experienced friendships with girls and that looked like her. She didn't realize the years she hung out men made her very masculine. She still got into fights and had no idea how to keep a relationship with both males and females.

Her experiences diminished the value she saw within herself. Her low self esteem as a young dark skin black woman has made her into an angry one as well. She went from dating one man to another looking for love she never got from her own father. Every relationship she had with men became more toxic than the next. She never stopped to ask herself why was she consistently attracting horrible men? Why was she always doing the most for men who never respected her? She thought if she continue to show men how down she was for them, she would always get their protection. No matter what she did for these men she only encountered their disrespect.

It took for a 10 year relationship with man whom she fell hard for to wake her up. He was tall, dark, and handsome. She seen him as the prize. He was charismatic, charming, and had good morals. To top it off he was also a virgin. The complete opposite of her. So she put this man above her needs constantly. He asked Coco to share her deepest secrets and experiences with him with a promise to love and kiss all her wounds. He wanted to know how many partners she had and she told him. The biggest mistake she ever did.

Yes they had an amazing sex life but of course relationships that start off lustful also made their relationship very turbulent as well. She surrendered all her power and was completely submissive to this man. Nothing she ever did for him was ever enough and he constantly accused her of cheating. She cooked, cleaned, took him shopping, and even had threesomes for him. She had no idea the level of narcissism characteristics this man had. She looked nothing like the woman she was coming into the relationship. She looked haggard, tired unkept. He never wanted her to wear fitted clothes, wear make up, or have male friends. All along he had his own entourage of female friends he kept in his back up. It took for him to cheat on her that led her to a mental break down. How could he do this to her? After all she done for this man. Not to mention they had an unassisted home birth. They shared way more than experiences together they also shared a life.

How can this happened to her? He ended up leaving her for a women who dressed exactly the way he did not want Coco to dress like. It was at that moment something sparked in her. Something woke her up. After years of mental exhaustion, she was tired of being the strong black woman. The man that she provided for. A man she faked having respect for all a while she forcing herself to lay with. He not only exploited her secrets, he never provided for or made her feel like she could be a women let alone a feminine one. She had to learn to recouperate from not only her experience with her ex but the trauma she had with males her whole life. Her father, relatives, exes, friends with benefits, and anyone else who contributed to her worth.

Coco was never taught how to be feminine or to even have standards. Her skin tone made her feel she had to be a women of strength. The pressure and expectations she had to live too. She had to discover what it meant to be soft spoken. Not to sound like a sailor when she speaks or carry herself with such disregard. She discovered the art of dating up. Learning to love and nurture that little black girl that has been broken for so many years. It wasn't the men she was meeting it was her. The moment she began to love herself and put herself on a pedestal despite her past, she learned the meaning of true love. Coco learned to have standards and set healthy boundaries for herself.

This women transformed into the beautiful, courageous, feminine woman she always wanted to be. She never thought any man would want to take care of her as a woman, let alone being someone's wife. After all that she has experienced, Coco turned into the women I truly admire today. I highly respect and love this woman. How can I not think of her first because this woman I speak about is me.

It took me many years to recognize my worth and my power as a feminine woman. I turned my lessons into blessings. I have no desire to be strong when I now know I am the prize. My goal is to help other women my complexion and darker to find themselves through self-love. I kissed my own wounds and forgave myself for what I did not know before. Now I am celibate and know one day my King in whomever shade he will be in, will appreciate and value the type of woman I am today. It took me many years to realize my self-worth and I will not ever accept anyone or anything less than I deserve.