The Sisu Path

Leave your soul on the floor was the only thought Tori had as she released a roar from deep within her being, calling upon an inner strength and determination she wasn’t certain she’d ever felt before. The weight was bearing down upon her shoulders, knees and thighs shaking as she commanded herself to stand. Her cheeks quivered as sweat poured from her temples and beaded down her chest. She pushed her heels hard into the ground and continued to straighten her legs, finally reaching the top. She released the heavy barbell down to the black rubber floor, serenaded by the satisfying sound of steel plates clanking together in a victory cry.

Dropping to her knees, Tori breathed heavily, feeling the blood pumping in her ears. She let out a fatigued whimper from both pride and sheer exhaustion. Rolling over onto her back, she delighted in the cool floor soothing her steaming spine, wet with sweat from the forty-five minutes of weight training she had just completed. She soaked up the endorphins and feeling of gratification that only a brutal workout can provide. A trainer in the gym walked over, bobbing his head to the music playing in his earbuds, and offered his fist for a bump. She smiled proudly, grateful for the acknowledgement and support.

Being cautious about resting too long, fearing the inability to get up at all, she seized her momentary fortitude and pulled herself to her feet. After wiping down the sweat drenched bench, and returning the squat bar and weights to their rack, she sauntered triumphantly to the water fountain and filled up her bottle, reading the sticker quote placed on the side as a reminder. “We must all suffer from one of two pains: The pain of discipline or the pain of regret. The difference is discipline weighs ounces while regret weighs tons.”

From her gym bag, Tori pulled out her little black notebook and turned to a new page. Pulling the cap off of her pen with her teeth she wrote Friday: 4 rounds of Squats, last set 50lb plates, 12 reps. Single Leg Romanian Deadlifts: 3 sets 20 reps each leg, 25lb Kettlebell. Single Leg Hip Thrusts: 30 each leg 3 sets; last set 40 each... She recorded all of the exercises she had completed today and compared her progress to the previous training session taking note of her new personal records.

Tori clomped up the jet-black steps of the Stairmaster to get in her second round of cardio for the day, setting the time for 40 mins. Stepping meditatively foot after foot, she reflected on her journey so far.

Just over three weeks ago, I was feeling so lost and unmotivated in my life she reminisced. I was avoiding my friends, had no self-control around food and I dragged heavily to get up in the morning. I felt stuck, and ashamed. Seeing the ad for this 8-week fitness competition was a real turning point for me. At first, I was mainly motivated by a shot to win $20K! Learning the tools and method to potentially transform my body to greater levels of health all for $97 seemed like a worthwhile investment. Little did I realize what I was signing up for… Man, when I opened the PDF that first time and saw the schedule entailed working out three times a day… wow. I nearly quit before I even started! But I’ve actually been pulling it off! And I can’t believe I haven’t had sugar in 3 weeks. I’m feeling so much more empowered and in control of my eating habits. Knowing exactly what I am going to eat all week sounded so boring, but it’s been surprisingly liberating! I don’t have to think about food anymore. And sheesh! I’m actually getting up before 7am! Who’d had ever thought it? Tori marveled at her personal accomplishments and felt sincerely impressed with herself. She felt lit up from the inside, blazing on the fuel of self-improvement. She then remembered she needed to stop at the grocery on the way home, pulling her mind back from reminiscing and into the moment. After that, I get to relax for the rest of the day! She smiled from ear to ear.

Going to the grocery store used to be her most dreaded chore. Without plans of what to get, Tori would shuffle around the isles grabbing what looked good in the moment, commonly going over budget after only having loaded up with a basket of snacks and some frozen dinners, but mostly desserts. She had a tendency to put off eating during the day, and would be famished by the time she made it to the grocery for some “real food”.

This all changed the evening before the start of the competition and a new habit was born. She had a list of exactly what items she needed for the weeks upcoming meal plan recipes, and she bought only what was required. One exception was made, however. A single candy bar; her last treat for the next eight weeks. Rather than scarfing it down mindlessly while she was driving home like she usually did, she waited until she was home to ceremoniously unwrap it. She’d chosen a decadent nougat bar, dipped in rich dark chocolate, and eating it slowly, savored every last velvety bite.

So, this afternoon, despite the absence of candy bars, she didn’t mind her errand. In fact, going to the grocery store now filled her with confidence. Tori knew she could get in and out quickly, only purchasing what was on her list. The first couple of trips were more challenging, as she was acutely aware of all she couldn’t have, and would gaze longingly down her old favorite isles. But now, she breezed past them without a glance.

The following day, Tori awoke to the electronic buzzing of clock tower church bells coupled with a staccato vibration at 6:45 am. Hitting stop, rather than snooze, she rolled out of bed, careful not to wake her husband. She turned on the kettle and cuddled her kitties while waiting for the water to boil. Scooping a tablespoon of instant coffee into her favorite mug, she sighed in longing for her beloved morning coffee ritual. She cherished making rich coconut milk lattes with pure cacao powder and raw sugar. 5 more weeks of black coffee she lamented.

Tori poured the piping hot water over the coffee and cupped the steaming mug between her hands, breathing in the earthy aroma. Striding over to the couch, she sat down carefully so as not to spill the brew onto the tan velour couch. Why am I putting myself through this again? she whispered to herself. The waves of confidence and doubt were a tumultuous dance. Just yesterday she felt like a champion but today the exhaustion was catching up to her. Well, definitely the chance to win 20k, to actually feel comfortable in a swimming suit for like the first time ever, but mostly to prove to myself that I can take control of my life. That I have the discipline of a finisher. All of my life I’ve procrastinated, tried to find the shortcuts, made exceptions, and never seemed to be able to follow through. I’ve started to identify as someone who is incapable of long-term responsibilities and the perseverance to see things through to the end. I’ve been a slave to my feelings for so long and I want to claim sovereignty over my life, be the captain of my ship and the master of my destiny… or however that saying goes. I want the self confidence that is developed by doing hard things. I want to prove myself wrong about who I think I am and what I believe I’m capable of. Every single day that I show up for myself in this way, I am proving that I am becoming the person that deep down I’ve always known I could be.

After reminding herself what her true goal was, Tori’s black coffee tasted considerably better. She decided she didn’t mind delaying the enjoyment of her decadent morning mocha in exchange for the much more rewarding, sweet taste of victory, at least not as much.

“Welp, time for morning cardio…” she declared and laced up her trainers. A sudden pep came to her step when she realized she was already tackling the first workout session of the day by 7:15. Three weeks ago, she wouldn’t even be awake yet, let only be amped about walking on the treadmill in the cold garage for 40 minutes. I’m seriously crushing it at life.

It was the end of the 4th week. Tori had reached the halfway point.

“Honey! It’s progress photos day! Will you come take them for me?” Tori called out to her husband excitedly.

Tori was feeling confident as she knew she felt stronger. Her legs felt firmer and she was pretty sure her leggings were not as snug in the waist. She had been perfect with the meal plan, eating only what was prescribed, as well as completing all but one of the forty-minute cardio sessions she had twice a day. These were bumping up to 50 minutes each tomorrow, which she was admittedly nervous about. She had begun to get used to the 40 minutes but adding on an extra twenty minutes per day felt like a whole new mountain to climb.

Tori stripped down to her sports bra and thong and assumed a ready pose against the white wall behind her. “Honey I’m ready!”

Her husband Jordan entered the room and she held out her phone to him. As he took if from her hand, she fidgeted nervously waiting for a compliment that didn’t come.

“What do you want me to do?” he asked.

“I’m going to stand face forward, then to each side and then to the back. Just take a photo of each position, like you did for my before photos.”

Jordan nodded in agreement.

Tori felt the buzz of excitement growing in anticipation of seeing her one-month results. She hadn’t taken any since the start of the challenge and she was sure she would be proud of what she saw.

“There ya go!” Jordan said and handed back her phone. She plopped down on the bed and evaluated the photos one by one. She zoomed in on her stomach, the back of her thighs, her butt, and shoulders.

“Well, what do you think?” Jordan asked after Tori hadn’t said anything for longer than expected.

“Um… well, I mean, I think I def see changes, ya know…” Tori offered unconvincingly. “Like… there’s a little less fat sticking out from under my bra, and maybe my stomach looks a little flatter… What do you think? You see a difference, right?” she pleaded hopefully.

“Well, yeaaaaahh…” Jordan replied unpersuasively in a failed attempt to reassure her. He knew how diligently she had been working. He didn’t tell her how impressed he was with her, but he was seeing a whole new side of her during the past month. It was actually a little intimidating. He liked it when they would decide what sounded good for dinner, whether it be pizza or nachos or tacos with homemade mojitos. Tori was always so grateful when he would make her food when she starving after not having eaten all day. She would show her gratitude by smothering him with kisses and laying her head on his chest. He liked providing her with care. But since the start of this challenge, Tori was making all of her own food and rarely needed his help with making dinner. She was less affectionate as a result. Even still he was pretty amazed by her willpower to resist, even as he ate their favorite foods in front of her. He didn’t do it to be insensitive and actually felt bad some nights when she would stare at it achingly, asking if she could just smell it, but he didn’t want to eat the same things she was.

Tori’s voice brought him back into the moment.

“I mean, we are only halfway, and they say you really start to see the magic happen in weeks five and six.” she said, consoling herself. She continued to scrutinize her photos and remaining unusual quiet.

The next morning, Jordan heard crying from the living room. It was 7:45 and he emerged from the bedroom to see Tori’s puffy, tear streaked face lit up by the blue light of the phone. Her favorite coffee mug was in front of her and it didn’t look like black coffee steaming up inside.

“Hun?” he inquired gently.

“Look at this!” Tori exclaimed as she shoved her phone in his face and turned away to muffle a cry.

He was looking at a picture of the same woman standing side by side, in her underwear no less, with the caption “4 Week Progress Photos” across the top. On the left was someone who looked about 2 dress sizes bigger than the photo on the right, with a large swollen belly and considerably less muscle tone. The photo on the right showed a woman beaming with confidence with a narrow waist and a muscular frame starting to show in the shoulder and thighs. His eyebrows raised in astonishment. “That’s after 4 weeks?” he said sensitively.

“What am I doing wrong?!” Tori sobbed. “I mean, I’ve been doing all the workouts, lifting heavy, killing myself at the gym EVERY SINGE DAY, I’m eating all of this same old food, resisting all of the things I used to love, and I’m out in the garage for hours every week on that stupid treadmill! I mean, I don’t understand how her results could be so much more remarkable and obvious than mine.”

Jordan hugged his wife and rocked her. He was feeling sorry for her but was also glad to feel needed.

“Oh honey, you are doing amazing. Don’t worry about that. Anything can happen still. Didn’t you say people are dropping out every day, due to injuries or even just not being able to handle the meal plan?” Jordan did his best to cheer her up with hope.

“Well, yes, but…” she trailed off, and then started again frenetically “…and anyway I am super happy for her. She’s obviously crushing it, and if she wins, it’s clear she deserves it. I’m more upset about feeling like I must be doing something wrong. I thought I was giving it my all, but maybe I’m not. Maybe I’m actually just being a little sissy bi…”

“I’m gonna stop you right there.” Jordan interjected.

Tori stared away in frustration.

“Hey, look at me.” Tori looked down to her feet. “Will you look at me please?” Jordan implored again.

Tori lifted her eyes to meet his but kept her chin tucked firmly to her chest, shrugging her shoulders tightly like a turtle hiding in its shell.

“I’m very proud of you.” Jordan said clearly.

“You are?” Tori said as she straightened up slightly. “You haven’t said so.” she muffled vulnerably, glancing down to the side again.

Jordan took her face in his hands and staring firmly into her blue eyes swollen with tears. “Yes. I am. You are doing amazing. You’re being too hard on yourself. I really don’t think I would have the self-control and willpower you have shown through all this. I’m so impressed by you. It’s intimidating!”

“Well, you would if you had a strong enough reason.” Tori said back… “But thank you for saying that. I do appreciate it.” She knew he was being honest and genuinely meant what he said. She was grateful to feel his support and admiration.

Reaching for her mug, a smile formed upon her lips and she took a long, deep sip.

“Whatcha drinkin’?” Jordan asked carefully.

“It’s a delicious protein mocha.” Tori said sarcastically.

“Yum.” He replied with raised sympathetic eyebrows. She smiled at him tenderly.

As the weeks continued on, the cardio increased and the calories dropped. By week seven, Tori was completing two hours of cardio a day, eating a mere twelve-hundred calories and continuing to increase her the weight or reps during strength training. It’s the final push she kept reminding herself. No one said it would be easy, and as a matter of fact, it was made quite clear how difficult it would be. However, words and warnings simply can’t prepare you for the level of fortitude required. She had shed blood, sweat and tears, literally. Just last week she was sobbing through her first set of exercises after dropping a 15lb dumbbell on her foot. During decline pushups, an old injury flare up sent shooting twinges of discomfort in her shoulder, but she didn’t want to stop. Rivers of tears rolled down her face and pooled in front of her as she lowered her face to the ground repeatedly. And just two days previous, she was cursing and screaming through her last 2 sets, declaring loudly that she hated this and it wasn’t worth it. However, as soon as the workout was complete, the euphoria took over. She basked in the satisfaction of pushing through to the end, proving that she can do hard things, especially when she didn’t feel like it, and as always, it outweighed the agony of the former moments.

Jordan had been correct in his prediction of unexpected outcomes. The woman whose progress photos were so astounding ended up getting Covid and it took her out of the competition. Another strong contender discovered they were pregnant. Even more competitors fell victim to injuries and there were plenty who lost the battle to cravings and fell into weekend binging sessions. The coaches had warned that it was only 5% who actually complete the program to the letter.

Tori hadn’t missed a day. Not a single workout. She had cut a few cardio sessions short on occasions where she was running late or decided 8 hours of sleep was more important than the last 20 minutes. Overall, though, she had stayed closer to perfect than she ever would have believed six and a half weeks ago.

She recalled the day she entered the competition and the disbelief she felt when seeing the schedule for the first time. 3 workouts a day?! Well, that’s not happening. But it did. She had decided to just see what would happen if she gave it her all. Every day she continued to show up. Tori kept wondering if she would actually end up doing those unfathomable hour-long cardio sessions twice a day, not really believing that she would, but now, here she was, completing them, and they weren’t even as bad and she imagined they would be. The gradual progression of the program made it so that even a challenge so overwhelming and incredulous to her when she initially heard it was something she was proving she was capable of.

In the final week, Tori had a “last day of school” feeling. It was as if she was so close to the finish line, that it wouldn’t matter if she skipped a cardio session, or had a little extra peanut butter in her smoothie. Aside from week three, when the heavy realization of the stamina required to follow through on her commitment became clear, this was the hardest week of the challenge. Tori had starting saving some new recipes she was looking forward to making, but she knew she had to finish strong. Don’t sabotage now! You can hold out for one more week. You’ve made it 7 already!

An unwelcome, yet familiar internal voice chimed in. But you’ve already proven to yourself you can do it. You’ve already made it. Just lighten up a bit. Like you said, this is only the beginning of a whole new way of being. Just have a little bite of chocolate. It won’t affect your results.

NO! Tori battled with the temptations. It wasn’t about the chocolate, it was about the final stretch, holding out until the absolute very end. She had left her soul on the floor during her training sessions, day after day, week after week. She had charted her progress in her little black book of gains, eaten the same food for weeks on end, resisted the nachos and quesadillas and burgers and donuts. This was the moment where it counted the most. Perhaps its those that hold out the longest who wins.

She was treading the Sisu path. Past grit and beyond perseverance, this was her own personal best at life, surpassing all her previously believed limiting notions of who she was and what she could do. She was writing a new story about what she could achieve and become in this precious life. Winning the competition and the money wasn’t the force pulling her forward. She was competing with her former self. Tori was taking charge of her life.

She had always recognized herself more as the arrogant hare, starting strong, getting overconfident and then watching is disbelief as the tortoise crossed over the finish line first. She had decided at the beginning of this challenge that she would be the tortoise. Slow and Steady wins the race.

The day finally came for Tori to submit her competition results. Comparing her starting photos with her finishing photos made her feel like a million bucks! The coaches had been right. The magic really did happen in those final weeks. She was so grateful she hadn’t given up. She wasn’t sure if she’d win, but what she had already gained was priceless.

The winners were announced the following week. She felt her stomach flutter in anticipation as she opened the email. Anxiously scrolling down, and closing her eyes, she visualized seeing her name on the list.

Big bold letters read “CONGRATUALTIONS TO OUR 1st PLACE CHAMPION AND GRAND PRIZE WINNER OF $20K: BECKY MARKLE FROM BELFAST IRELAND!”

Tori smiled remembering Becky’s posts. She was a mom of 4, and both of her in-laws had passed away right in the middle of the challenge. She continued to persevere, saying the workouts had helped to keep her out of depression. At 55, her results were truly phenomenal and so well deserved. Tori felt happy for her.

The 2nd place winner was another super hero from the group; a woman who had Lyme’s disease and was actually flying across the country periodically over the eight weeks to get treatments. Seeing that she still managed to stay on the meal plan and complete all the cardio and workouts was a huge inspiration to Tori.

She didn’t recognize the 3rd place winner, but she had to do a double take on what came next.

4th place winner Tori Harper… “What?! Oh my goodness!” She exclaimed aloud. “I made it into the top five! I MADE IT INTO THE TOP FIVE!” She yelled ecstatically to Jordan. “I won a thousand bucks!”

“What?! Babe, that’s wonderful!!” He picked her up and swung her around, placing a big kiss on her lips. “I’m so proud of you.” he said.

“Thank you, angel. I’m proud of me too!” she replied as she squeezed her muscular thighs around his waist. Jordan carried her into the bedroom, closing the door enthusiastically behind them.

A week later Tori was scrolling on her phone while enjoying a short evening cardio session. An ad for a unique writing challenge grabbed her attention. Another shot at 20K she mused. Well, what have I got to lose?

With only 4 days left to submit, she decided to tell the story of her personal transformation over the past eight weeks. It was rewarding for her to relive it, recalling the highs and lows, the victories and struggles, and she hoped it would serve as an inspiration to someone else.

Is that someone you? And what of Tori? Do you believe she won the $20,000 first prize for her writing entry? Well, that’s for you to decide.